The Topical https://www.theonion.com/ en The Onion The Topical is the daily podcast from The Onion and Onion Public Radio, and the only podcast brave enough to ask: What if the news had sound effects? Join host Leslie Price each day as he barely scratches the surface of all the day’s top news stories. Journalism isn’t dead. It's using its dying breath to beg you to listen to The Topical. New episodes published every weekday by 5 a.m. Eastern time. https://megaphone.imgix.net/podcasts/239ce972-331f-11ea-87a9-2bc5b2f3e8d1/image/uploads_2F1589304470699-c8ae6bcbptm-319a4fb45321b1cc928304f80138107f_2FTopical_Square_051220.jpg-2020-09-25_19_00_08.165000.jpeg?ixlib=rails-4.3.1&max-w=3000&max-h=3000&fit=crop&auto=format,compress The Topical https://www.theonion.com/ yes episodic The Onion The Topical is the daily podcast from The Onion and Onion Public Radio, and the only podcast brave enough to ask: What if the news had sound effects? Join host Leslie Price each day as he barely scratches the surface of all the day’s top news stories. Journalism isn’t dead. It's using its dying breath to beg you to listen to The Topical. New episodes published every weekday by 5 a.m. Eastern time. The Topical is the daily podcast from The Onion and Onion Public Radio, and the only podcast brave enough to ask: What if the news had sound effects? Join host Leslie Price each day as he barely scratches the surface of all the day’s top news stories. Journalism isn’t dead. It's using its dying breath to beg you to listen to The Topical. New episodes published every weekday by 5 a.m. Eastern time.

]]> Sony Music podcasts@sonymusic.com The Final Episode Of The Topical Leslie Price returns from a months-long investigation to serve as host of America’s only daily news podcast one last time. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Thu, 20 May 2021 09:00:00 -0000 full 1 251 The Onion Leslie Price returns from a months-long investigation to serve as host of America’s only daily news podcast one last time. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Leslie Price returns from a months-long investigation to serve as host of America’s only daily news podcast one last time.

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]]> 954 yes Papa John’s Comes Under Fire For Cruel Treatment Of The Bulbous, Deformed Creatures That Lactate Pizza Sauce Hear why PETA is coming to the defense of these over-bread monstrosities that exist for the sole purpose of having fresh tomato paste extracted from their many teat-like protuberances. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Fri, 05 Feb 2021 10:00:00 -0000 full 1 250 The Onion Hear why PETA is coming to the defense of these over-bread monstrosities that exist for the sole purpose of having fresh tomato paste extracted from their many teat-like protuberances. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear why PETA is coming to the defense of these over-bread monstrosities that exist for the sole purpose of having fresh tomato paste extracted from their many teat-like protuberances.

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]]> 592 yes Scientists Warn Americans To Stay Away From That Bird It looks dirty, and it’s doing a weird thing with its wings. Hear why it would be best if you just didn’t go near it. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Thu, 04 Feb 2021 10:00:00 -0000 full 1 249 The Onion It looks dirty, and it’s doing a weird thing with its wings. Hear why it would be best if you just didn’t go near it. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices It looks dirty, and it’s doing a weird thing with its wings. Hear why it would be best if you just didn’t go near it.

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]]> 482 yes Nation’s Arborists Once Again Urge Congress To Lower The Age Of Consent For Trees Hear why these arborists believe that if the fruit’s on the ground, it’s ready to pound. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Wed, 03 Feb 2021 10:00:00 -0000 full 1 248 The Onion Hear why these arborists believe that if the fruit’s on the ground, it’s ready to pound. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear why these arborists believe that if the fruit’s on the ground, it’s ready to pound.

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]]> 590 yes Paleontologists Determine Dinosaurs Were Killed By Someone They Trusted Plus, from royalty to recluse, we’ll sit down with a former prom king who now lives anonymously among the commoners. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Tue, 02 Feb 2021 10:00:00 -0000 full 1 247 The Onion Plus, from royalty to recluse, we’ll sit down with a former prom king who now lives anonymously among the commoners. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Plus, from royalty to recluse, we’ll sit down with a former prom king who now lives anonymously among the commoners.

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]]> 559 yes Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God It’s an awe-inspiring scientific advancement, but is it ethical? Hear why critics say these geneticists shouldn’t be playing God on God by making God. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Mon, 01 Feb 2021 10:00:00 -0000 full 1 246 The Onion It’s an awe-inspiring scientific advancement, but is it ethical? Hear why critics say these geneticists shouldn’t be playing God on God by making God. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices It’s an awe-inspiring scientific advancement, but is it ethical? Hear why critics say these geneticists shouldn’t be playing God on God by making God.

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]]> 492 yes Nation’s Hypnotists Announce You Are Now Under Their Command Hear why, when they snap their fingers, you will make the sound a donkey makes. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Fri, 29 Jan 2021 10:00:00 -0000 full 1 245 The Onion Hear why, when they snap their fingers, you will make the sound a donkey makes. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear why, when they snap their fingers, you will make the sound a donkey makes.

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]]> 511 yes Deer Shot By Obsessed Fan Hear why authorities now believe the suspect stalked the 4-year-old buck for several hours before shooting him in the chest. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Thu, 28 Jan 2021 10:00:00 -0000 full 1 244 The Onion Hear why authorities now believe the suspect stalked the 4-year-old buck for several hours before shooting him in the chest. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear why authorities now believe the suspect stalked the 4-year-old buck for several hours before shooting him in the chest.

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]]> 528 yes Dept. Of Homeland Security: ‘Has Anybody Seen A Blue Folder?’ Hear why scrambling DHS officials are calling the missing folder “no big deal,” but they would really like to find it. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Wed, 27 Jan 2021 10:00:00 -0000 full 1 243 The Onion Hear why scrambling DHS officials are calling the missing folder “no big deal,” but they would really like to find it. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear why scrambling DHS officials are calling the missing folder “no big deal,” but they would really like to find it.

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]]> 514 yes Fun Toy Banned Because Of 3 Stupid Dead Kids And they weren’t even playing with it right. Hear why these dead children apparently thought it would be a good idea to ruin the fun for everyone else. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Tue, 26 Jan 2021 10:00:00 -0000 full 1 242 The Onion And they weren’t even playing with it right. Hear why these dead children apparently thought it would be a good idea to ruin the fun for everyone else. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices And they weren’t even playing with it right. Hear why these dead children apparently thought it would be a good idea to ruin the fun for everyone else.

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]]> 550 yes Congress Investigating Why Capitol Dome’s Atomic Vaporizing Ray Wasn’t Deployed To Eviscerate Rioters Hear why Congress is still looking for answers as to why this crucial defense system wasn’t used to melt rioters’ eyeballs right out of their skulls and incinerate their bodies instantly. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Mon, 25 Jan 2021 10:00:00 -0000 full 1 241 The Onion Hear why Congress is still looking for answers as to why this crucial defense system wasn’t used to melt rioters’ eyeballs right out of their skulls and incinerate their bodies instantly. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear why Congress is still looking for answers as to why this crucial defense system wasn’t used to melt rioters’ eyeballs right out of their skulls and incinerate their bodies instantly.

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]]> 527 yes UFC Announces Their Athletes Will Now Be Allowed To Fight Each Other Through The Court Of Law We have everything you need to know ahead of this weekend’s big legal battle. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Fri, 22 Jan 2021 10:00:00 -0000 full 1 240 The Onion We have everything you need to know ahead of this weekend’s big legal battle. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices We have everything you need to know ahead of this weekend’s big legal battle.

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]]> 487 yes Secret Service Agent Heroically Dives In Front Of Strong Breeze That Could Have Killed Biden Hear why authorities are now questioning how this 10 to 15 mph gust was able to get so close to the 78-year-old president in the first place. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Thu, 21 Jan 2021 10:00:00 -0000 full 1 239 The Onion Hear why authorities are now questioning how this 10 to 15 mph gust was able to get so close to the 78-year-old president in the first place. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear why authorities are now questioning how this 10 to 15 mph gust was able to get so close to the 78-year-old president in the first place.

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]]> 498 yes Biden Announces Nation Will Rejoin Paris Hilton Fan Club For the first time since 2016, the U.S. will join over 188 other nations in celebrating the career of the esteemed businesswoman-slash-model-slash-singer-slash-actress. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Wed, 20 Jan 2021 10:00:00 -0000 full 1 238 The Onion For the first time since 2016, the U.S. will join over 188 other nations in celebrating the career of the esteemed businesswoman-slash-model-slash-singer-slash-actress. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices For the first time since 2016, the U.S. will join over 188 other nations in celebrating the career of the esteemed businesswoman-slash-model-slash-singer-slash-actress.

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]]> 484 yes New Erectile Dysfunction Startup Sends Ripped, Virile Man Directly To Your Door To Bang Your Spouse It’s called Inuus, and it promises to keep your partner sexually satisfied by sending a discreet, medically certified sex god straight to your home. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Tue, 19 Jan 2021 10:00:00 -0000 full 1 237 The Onion It’s called Inuus, and it promises to keep your partner sexually satisfied by sending a discreet, medically certified sex god straight to your home. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices It’s called Inuus, and it promises to keep your partner sexually satisfied by sending a discreet, medically certified sex god straight to your home.

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]]> 365 yes Exhausted Researchers Inform Public Covid Vaccine Won’t Shrink You Down To Size Of Ant Hear why millions of Americans remain concerned that taking the vaccine could shrink them down to a size so small they would need to fight off mice with a toothpick. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Mon, 18 Jan 2021 10:00:00 -0000 full 1 236 The Onion Hear why millions of Americans remain concerned that taking the vaccine could shrink them down to a size so small they would need to fight off mice with a toothpick. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear why millions of Americans remain concerned that taking the vaccine could shrink them down to a size so small they would need to fight off mice with a toothpick.

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]]> 442 yes Animal Shelter’s Free Adoption Day Not Even That Good Of Deal Hear why consumer advocates are warning that falling for this blatant con job could end up costing you hundreds in food and toys, as well as hours of your valuable free time. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Fri, 15 Jan 2021 10:00:00 -0000 full 1 235 The Onion Hear why consumer advocates are warning that falling for this blatant con job could end up costing you hundreds in food and toys, as well as hours of your valuable free time. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear why consumer advocates are warning that falling for this blatant con job could end up costing you hundreds in food and toys, as well as hours of your valuable free time.

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]]> 396 yes Shocked Authorities Discover Dozens Of Bodies Being Kept In Hospital Morgue Hear why detectives believe it could be the work of a serial killer. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Thu, 14 Jan 2021 10:00:00 -0000 full 1 234 The Onion Hear why detectives believe it could be the work of a serial killer. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear why detectives believe it could be the work of a serial killer.

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]]> 551 yes Majority Of Young Children Go Missing The Moment Parent Turns Attention Toward Themself For One Goddamn Second Hear why 9 out of every 10 children go missing as soon as a mother or father chooses to focus on something that isn’t about their kids, like eating or showering or briefly sitting in a chair for the first time all day. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Wed, 13 Jan 2021 10:00:00 -0000 full 1 233 The Onion Hear why 9 out of every 10 children go missing as soon as a mother or father chooses to focus on something that isn’t about their kids, like eating or showering or briefly sitting in a chair for the first time all day. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear why 9 out of every 10 children go missing as soon as a mother or father chooses to focus on something that isn’t about their kids, like eating or showering or briefly sitting in a chair for the first time all day.

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]]> 396 yes Report: Leading Cause Of Death Still Venturing Beyond The Pines Nearly 2.3 million Americans die each year from wandering into the ethereal black pine forest. Hear how you can heed the warnings of grizzled woodsmen and lonely widowers to keep from succumbing to alluring calls from beyond the trees. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Tue, 12 Jan 2021 10:00:00 -0000 full 1 232 The Onion Nearly 2.3 million Americans die each year from wandering into the ethereal black pine forest. Hear how you can heed the warnings of grizzled woodsmen and lonely widowers to keep from succumbing to alluring calls from beyond the trees. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Nearly 2.3 million Americans die each year from wandering into the ethereal black pine forest. Hear how you can heed the warnings of grizzled woodsmen and lonely widowers to keep from succumbing to alluring calls from beyond the trees.

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]]> 464 yes Government Lobbyists Call For Members Of Congress To Play A Little Harder To Get Hear why lobbyists across many industries are growing concerned with just how easy it’s becoming to undermine the American public. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Mon, 11 Jan 2021 10:00:00 -0000 full 1 231 The Onion Hear why lobbyists across many industries are growing concerned with just how easy it’s becoming to undermine the American public. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear why lobbyists across many industries are growing concerned with just how easy it’s becoming to undermine the American public.

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]]> 438 yes Hundreds Killed In Brutal Pro-Something-Anti-Something Clash Hear how public demonstration and counter-demonstrations have been sparked by renewed vows from pro-something leaders to get the thing they want, which is the complete opposite thing that anti-something leaders want. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Fri, 08 Jan 2021 10:00:00 -0000 full 1 230 The Onion Hear how public demonstration and counter-demonstrations have been sparked by renewed vows from pro-something leaders to get the thing they want, which is the complete opposite thing that anti-something leaders want. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear how public demonstration and counter-demonstrations have been sparked by renewed vows from pro-something leaders to get the thing they want, which is the complete opposite thing that anti-something leaders want.

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]]> 425 yes New Food Safety Law Requires Restaurant Workers To Take Full Bubble Bath After Using Restroom Hear why health officials are recommending that anyone who works with food take a good 30 to 45 minutes to soak their body in a warm and fragrant bath anytime they use the restroom. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Thu, 07 Jan 2021 10:00:00 -0000 full 1 229 The Onion Hear why health officials are recommending that anyone who works with food take a good 30 to 45 minutes to soak their body in a warm and fragrant bath anytime they use the restroom. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear why health officials are recommending that anyone who works with food take a good 30 to 45 minutes to soak their body in a warm and fragrant bath anytime they use the restroom.

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]]> 464 yes Northwestern Hospital Apologizes After Accidentally Switching Couple’s Baby With Random Man In Emergency Room Hear the unbelievable story of a couple who thought they were leaving the hospital with their newborn baby, only to find out years later that they had actually been sent home with a 63-year-old man named Jeff. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Wed, 06 Jan 2021 10:00:00 -0000 full 1 228 The Onion Hear the unbelievable story of a couple who thought they were leaving the hospital with their newborn baby, only to find out years later that they had actually been sent home with a 63-year-old man named Jeff. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear the unbelievable story of a couple who thought they were leaving the hospital with their newborn baby, only to find out years later that they had actually been sent home with a 63-year-old man named Jeff.

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]]> 446 yes Serial Killer Clearly Gunning For ‘Parking Lot Butcher’ Nickname Hear why police believe this psychopath may be trying a little too hard to claim the moniker. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Tue, 05 Jan 2021 10:00:00 -0000 full 1 227 The Onion Hear why police believe this psychopath may be trying a little too hard to claim the moniker. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear why police believe this psychopath may be trying a little too hard to claim the moniker.

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]]> 359 yes Congress Swoons Over Newly Elected Bad Boy Who Believes Amendments Were Made To Be Broken Hear why members across the legislative branch are going gaga over the newest congressman representing the wrong side of the tracks in North Carolina’s 16th district. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Mon, 04 Jan 2021 10:00:00 -0000 full 1 226 The Onion Hear why members across the legislative branch are going gaga over the newest congressman representing the wrong side of the tracks in North Carolina’s 16th district. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear why members across the legislative branch are going gaga over the newest congressman representing the wrong side of the tracks in North Carolina’s 16th district.

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]]> 517 yes Santa Claus: ‘Ho, Ho, Ho! I Saw You Masturbating!’ On this special Christmas Eve episode of The Topical, Leslie is joined from the North Pole by Jolly Old Saint Nicholas himself who has a very special and very important message for all of his favorite little rubbers and tuggers. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Thu, 24 Dec 2020 10:00:00 -0000 full 1 225 The Onion On this special Christmas Eve episode of The Topical, Leslie is joined from the North Pole by Jolly Old Saint Nicholas himself who has a very special and very important message for all of his favorite little rubbers and tuggers. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices On this special Christmas Eve episode of The Topical, Leslie is joined from the North Pole by Jolly Old Saint Nicholas himself who has a very special and very important message for all of his favorite little rubbers and tuggers.

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]]> 620 yes Astronomers Say December 24th Will Be Best Chance To See Santa Until 2021 Get your telescope ready for the celestial event that only happens once every 10 months. We have the latest on how to best get a glimpse of the jolly old fellow barreling through the sky for yourself. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Wed, 23 Dec 2020 10:00:00 -0000 full 1 224 The Onion Get your telescope ready for the celestial event that only happens once every 10 months. We have the latest on how to best get a glimpse of the jolly old fellow barreling through the sky for yourself. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Get your telescope ready for the celestial event that only happens once every 10 months. We have the latest on how to best get a glimpse of the jolly old fellow barreling through the sky for yourself.

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]]> 511 yes Report Finds Majority Of Business Leaders Visited By 3 Spirits Make No Changes To Lifestyle Hear why many CEOs believe ’tis might not be the season for becoming a better person. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Tue, 22 Dec 2020 10:00:00 -0000 full 1 223 The Onion Hear why many CEOs believe ’tis might not be the season for becoming a better person. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear why many CEOs believe ’tis might not be the season for becoming a better person.

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]]> 505 yes Pope Maintains Divine Buzz By Microdosing Eucharist Throughout Day Hear how this new productivity trend is helping Pope Francis get through his grueling advent schedule, and why it may be catching on all over Vatican City. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Mon, 21 Dec 2020 10:00:00 -0000 full 1 222 The Onion Hear how this new productivity trend is helping Pope Francis get through his grueling advent schedule, and why it may be catching on all over Vatican City. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear how this new productivity trend is helping Pope Francis get through his grueling advent schedule, and why it may be catching on all over Vatican City.

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]]> 502 yes Hottest Toys For the Holiday Season That Your Daughter’s New Stepfather Will Probably Get Her To Make You Look Bad Plus, what to get for your one cousin this year who’s obsessed with militias. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Fri, 18 Dec 2020 10:00:00 -0000 full 1 221 The Onion Plus, what to get for your one cousin this year who’s obsessed with militias. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Plus, what to get for your one cousin this year who’s obsessed with militias.

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]]> 585 yes Health Officials Warn Holiday Travel Could Cause Spike In Millions Of Americans Falling For Old Hometown Flame Hear why going back to a romanticized version of your past could put you at increased risk of having your heart broken yet again by an ex-lover from your youth. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Thu, 17 Dec 2020 10:00:00 -0000 full 1 220 The Onion Hear why going back to a romanticized version of your past could put you at increased risk of having your heart broken yet again by an ex-lover from your youth. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear why going back to a romanticized version of your past could put you at increased risk of having your heart broken yet again by an ex-lover from your youth.

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]]> 562 yes CDC Announces Children Will Be Last To Receive Covid Vaccine Because What Are Those Little Twerps Going To Do About It Hear why your place in line for a vaccine will definitely be before any of those little peabrains because what’s the worst they can do? Go cry to their mommies? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Wed, 16 Dec 2020 10:00:00 -0000 full 1 219 The Onion Hear why your place in line for a vaccine will definitely be before any of those little peabrains because what’s the worst they can do? Go cry to their mommies? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear why your place in line for a vaccine will definitely be before any of those little peabrains because what’s the worst they can do? Go cry to their mommies?

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]]> 534 yes Nation’s Moms Demand Christmas List Hear what mothers around the country are threatening to do if they do not receive a full and complete list this instant. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Tue, 15 Dec 2020 10:00:00 -0000 full 1 218 The Onion Hear what mothers around the country are threatening to do if they do not receive a full and complete list this instant. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear what mothers around the country are threatening to do if they do not receive a full and complete list this instant.

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]]> 457 yes Nation Worried After Catholic Church Issues Really Vague Apology Amid unclear pleas of “Forgive us” and “God have mercy,” hear why experts have been left to speculate on what possible atrocity the Church could have committed this time. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Mon, 14 Dec 2020 10:00:00 -0000 full 1 217 The Onion Amid unclear pleas of “Forgive us” and “God have mercy,” hear why experts have been left to speculate on what possible atrocity the Church could have committed this time. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Amid unclear pleas of “Forgive us” and “God have mercy,” hear why experts have been left to speculate on what possible atrocity the Church could have committed this time.

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]]> 490 yes All The News That 83-Year-Old Tabitha Williams Wants To Hear, As She’s The Only Listener Who Pledged More Than $25 To The Topical’s Patreon This Month Sorry, but if you wanted to hear news relevant to your interests, or just the national landscape in general, then you should have been a little more generous toward our Patreon. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Fri, 11 Dec 2020 10:00:00 -0000 full 1 216 The Onion Sorry, but if you wanted to hear news relevant to your interests, or just the national landscape in general, then you should have been a little more generous toward our Patreon. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Sorry, but if you wanted to hear news relevant to your interests, or just the national landscape in general, then you should have been a little more generous toward our Patreon.

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]]> 603 yes Rising Coronavirus Cases Force Chicago To Set Up Temporary Bars In Hospitals Hear why Chicago officials are hopeful they’ll be able to effectively serve all citizens a frothy craft IPA in a chilled mug throughout the makeshift drinking establishments. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Thu, 10 Dec 2020 10:00:00 -0000 full 1 215 The Onion Hear why Chicago officials are hopeful they’ll be able to effectively serve all citizens a frothy craft IPA in a chilled mug throughout the makeshift drinking establishments. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear why Chicago officials are hopeful they’ll be able to effectively serve all citizens a frothy craft IPA in a chilled mug throughout the makeshift drinking establishments.

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]]> 528 yes Barack Obama Enrolls In Self-Defense Classes After Trump Rolls Back Secret Service Protection For Former Presidents Named Barack Obama Hear why former President Obama is also investing in a Ring camera for his front door and a fresh can of pepper spray. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Wed, 09 Dec 2020 10:00:00 -0000 full 1 214 The Onion Hear why former President Obama is also investing in a Ring camera for his front door and a fresh can of pepper spray. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear why former President Obama is also investing in a Ring camera for his front door and a fresh can of pepper spray.

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]]> 479 yes Brian Kemp Unveils Specially Trained Hogs That Can Root Out Voter Fraud Hear why the Georgia governor is hopeful this herd of swine will be able to detect something humans cannot. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Tue, 08 Dec 2020 10:00:00 -0000 full 1 213 The Onion Hear why the Georgia governor is hopeful this herd of swine will be able to detect something humans cannot. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear why the Georgia governor is hopeful this herd of swine will be able to detect something humans cannot.

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]]> 491 yes Pope Francis Bags 6-Winged Trophy Angel During Vatican’s Annual Seraphim Hunt OPR joins His Holy Father in the most remote parts of Heaven to learn a little more about this time-honored tradition. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Mon, 07 Dec 2020 10:00:00 -0000 full 1 212 The Onion OPR joins His Holy Father in the most remote parts of Heaven to learn a little more about this time-honored tradition. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices OPR joins His Holy Father in the most remote parts of Heaven to learn a little more about this time-honored tradition.

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]]> 596 yes Baboon Couple Sues National Geographic For Distributing Private Sex Tape Hear why a lawyer for the primates is arguing that by publishing the video, NatGeo has caused her clients irreparable harm. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Fri, 04 Dec 2020 10:00:00 -0000 full 1 211 The Onion Hear why a lawyer for the primates is arguing that by publishing the video, NatGeo has caused her clients irreparable harm. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear why a lawyer for the primates is arguing that by publishing the video, NatGeo has caused her clients irreparable harm.

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]]> 397 yes Study Finds Adults Over 50 Should Get Colonoscopy To Determine Whether Aliens Are Controlling You From The Inside Hear why you or a loved one could be at increased risk of being piloted by an extraterrestrial like a fleshy, human skin puppet. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Thu, 03 Dec 2020 10:00:00 -0000 full 1 210 The Onion Hear why you or a loved one could be at increased risk of being piloted by an extraterrestrial like a fleshy, human skin puppet. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear why you or a loved one could be at increased risk of being piloted by an extraterrestrial like a fleshy, human skin puppet.

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]]> 443 yes Nation’s Long-Haired Old Men In Flowy Linen Shirts Announce You Are Loved Hear why these gentle elders are adamant that their love for us all needs no reason, just as a sunrise need not a reason to be breathtaking. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Wed, 02 Dec 2020 10:00:00 -0000 full 1 209 The Onion Hear why these gentle elders are adamant that their love for us all needs no reason, just as a sunrise need not a reason to be breathtaking. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear why these gentle elders are adamant that their love for us all needs no reason, just as a sunrise need not a reason to be breathtaking.

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]]> 472 yes Inside The Sacred Temple Where ‘People’ Magazine’s Ancestral Editors Choose Their Sexiest Man Alive Each Year From George Clooney to Michael B. Jordan, People magazine publishes this attention-grabbing feature every winter. But how do they do it? We’ll take a look inside the holy site where the coveted hunk is chosen each year. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Tue, 01 Dec 2020 10:00:00 -0000 full 1 208 The Onion From George Clooney to Michael B. Jordan, People magazine publishes this attention-grabbing feature every winter. But how do they do it? We’ll take a look inside the holy site where the coveted hunk is chosen each year. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices From George Clooney to Michael B. Jordan, People magazine publishes this attention-grabbing feature every winter. But how do they do it? We’ll take a look inside the holy site where the coveted hunk is chosen each year.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

]]> 632 yes Newly Uncovered DNA Evidence Frees Thousands Of Damned Souls From Hell Hear how justice was finally served for those wrongfully accused of greed, glutony, and premarital sex. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Mon, 30 Nov 2020 10:00:00 -0000 full 1 207 The Onion Hear how justice was finally served for those wrongfully accused of greed, glutony, and premarital sex. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear how justice was finally served for those wrongfully accused of greed, glutony, and premarital sex.

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]]> 462 yes American Obesity Epidemic Traced To Single Heavyset ‘Mayflower’ Passenger On this special Thanksgiving Day episode, hear how your own tendency to overeat and your aversion to exercise could stem all the way back to one 327-pound Plymouth Colony settler named Jeremiah Alden. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Thu, 26 Nov 2020 10:00:00 -0000 full 1 206 The Onion On this special Thanksgiving Day episode, hear how your own tendency to overeat and your aversion to exercise could stem all the way back to one 327-pound Plymouth Colony settler named Jeremiah Alden. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices On this special Thanksgiving Day episode, hear how your own tendency to overeat and your aversion to exercise could stem all the way back to one 327-pound Plymouth Colony settler named Jeremiah Alden.

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]]> 526 yes Humane Society Urges Americans To Opt For Shelter Turkey This Thanksgiving Hear why some animal activists are asking people to consider giving one of the thousands of lonely turkeys trapped in an animal shelter a nice, warm forever home this Thanksgiving. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Wed, 25 Nov 2020 10:00:00 -0000 full 1 205 The Onion Hear why some animal activists are asking people to consider giving one of the thousands of lonely turkeys trapped in an animal shelter a nice, warm forever home this Thanksgiving. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear why some animal activists are asking people to consider giving one of the thousands of lonely turkeys trapped in an animal shelter a nice, warm forever home this Thanksgiving.

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]]> 536 yes Anti-Jacketers Rally Outside Burlington Coat Factory To Protest Liberal Cold Weather Conspiracy Hear why members of the growing movement are calling cold weather nothing more than a leftist hoax made up to force Americans into thick down layers. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Tue, 24 Nov 2020 10:00:00 -0000 full 1 204 The Onion Hear why members of the growing movement are calling cold weather nothing more than a leftist hoax made up to force Americans into thick down layers. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear why members of the growing movement are calling cold weather nothing more than a leftist hoax made up to force Americans into thick down layers.

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]]> 471 yes Monsanto Lab On Lockdown After Scientists Find Shattered Tomato Containment Unit Hear why Monsanto authorities are still struggling to apprehend the tomato due to it’s unusual size and strength. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Mon, 23 Nov 2020 10:00:00 -0000 full 1 203 The Onion Hear why Monsanto authorities are still struggling to apprehend the tomato due to it’s unusual size and strength. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear why Monsanto authorities are still struggling to apprehend the tomato due to it’s unusual size and strength.

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]]> 542 yes Hormel CEO Dares Anyone To Try And Come For His Chili Empire Hear why if you come for the crown of Hormel CEO Jim Snee, King of Chilli, you best not miss. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Fri, 20 Nov 2020 10:00:00 -0000 full 1 202 The Onion Hear why if you come for the crown of Hormel CEO Jim Snee, King of Chilli, you best not miss. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear why if you come for the crown of Hormel CEO Jim Snee, King of Chilli, you best not miss.

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]]> 460 yes Man Hasn’t Heard Or Read Single True Thing In 6 Years Hear what has led 55-year-old Kansas City resident Jonathan Huston to not reading, seeing, or hearing a single verifiable fact since 2014. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Thu, 19 Nov 2020 10:00:00 -0000 full 1 201 The Onion Hear what has led 55-year-old Kansas City resident Jonathan Huston to not reading, seeing, or hearing a single verifiable fact since 2014. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear what has led 55-year-old Kansas City resident Jonathan Huston to not reading, seeing, or hearing a single verifiable fact since 2014.

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]]> 530 yes New Study Reveals Majority Of Memory Lapses Brought On By Visiting Government Black Site If you’re feeling a little more forgetful nowadays, you’re not alone. Hear why it could be linked to being blindfolded, thrown into the back of an unmarked van, and taken to a covert CIA bunker for several days at a time. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Wed, 18 Nov 2020 13:39:00 -0000 full 1 200 The Onion If you’re feeling a little more forgetful nowadays, you’re not alone. Hear why it could be linked to being blindfolded, thrown into the back of an unmarked van, and taken to a covert CIA bunker for several days at a time. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices If you’re feeling a little more forgetful nowadays, you’re not alone. Hear why it could be linked to being blindfolded, thrown into the back of an unmarked van, and taken to a covert CIA bunker for several days at a time.

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]]> 506 yes NASA Scientists Confirm Earth Dating The Moon Hear why a natural, mutual chemistry finally led the two intergalactic lovebirds to making it official. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Tue, 17 Nov 2020 10:00:00 -0000 full 1 199 The Onion Hear why a natural, mutual chemistry finally led the two intergalactic lovebirds to making it official. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear why a natural, mutual chemistry finally led the two intergalactic lovebirds to making it official.

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]]> 521 yes Aryan Brotherhood Reports Record Surge In Donations On Election Night Hear how the dramatic increase in grassroots fundraising could help spread the Aryan Brotherhood’s message of racial purity nationwide. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Mon, 16 Nov 2020 10:00:00 -0000 full 1 198 The Onion Hear how the dramatic increase in grassroots fundraising could help spread the Aryan Brotherhood’s message of racial purity nationwide. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear how the dramatic increase in grassroots fundraising could help spread the Aryan Brotherhood’s message of racial purity nationwide.

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]]> 414 yes Nation Regrets Not Signing Prenup After Finding Out Trump Entitled To Half Of Country’s Assets Hear how Trump’s lawyers plan to aggressively go after the nation’s belongings, and why the American people are likely going to have to pony up. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Fri, 13 Nov 2020 11:00:00 -0000 full 1 197 The Onion Hear how Trump’s lawyers plan to aggressively go after the nation’s belongings, and why the American people are likely going to have to pony up. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear how Trump’s lawyers plan to aggressively go after the nation’s belongings, and why the American people are likely going to have to pony up.

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]]> 426 yes New United Ultra Economy Class Tickets Lets Passengers Get Dragged Behind Plane By Giant Rope Hear why United Airlines and customers alike are calling the new Ultra Economy option just as satisfying, comfortable, and safe as any other flight option. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Thu, 12 Nov 2020 10:00:00 -0000 full 1 196 The Onion Hear why United Airlines and customers alike are calling the new Ultra Economy option just as satisfying, comfortable, and safe as any other flight option. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear why United Airlines and customers alike are calling the new Ultra Economy option just as satisfying, comfortable, and safe as any other flight option.

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]]> 518 yes Soldier Faces Difficult Adjustment To Life At Home After Long Trip To Bathroom On this Veteran’s Day, The Topical honors one brave service member and his long road back to normalcy after a particularly long and grueling tour of duty. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Wed, 11 Nov 2020 10:00:00 -0000 full 1 195 The Onion On this Veteran’s Day, The Topical honors one brave service member and his long road back to normalcy after a particularly long and grueling tour of duty. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices On this Veteran’s Day, The Topical honors one brave service member and his long road back to normalcy after a particularly long and grueling tour of duty.

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]]> 597 yes OPR Health Insurance Lists Leslie Price As Employee’s Only In-Network Primary Care Provider Host Leslie Price sits down with staff members of The Topical for their annual checkup. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Tue, 10 Nov 2020 10:00:00 -0000 full 1 194 The Onion Host Leslie Price sits down with staff members of The Topical for their annual checkup. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Host Leslie Price sits down with staff members of The Topical for their annual checkup.

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]]> 661 yes Media Lambasts Biden Administration For Failure To Solve Coronavirus Joe Biden’s campaign promise of a “rapid pandemic response” may have been what earned him a victory, so why hasn’t he or his administration done anything to solve the crisis in the last 24 hours? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Mon, 09 Nov 2020 10:00:00 -0000 full 1 193 The Onion Joe Biden’s campaign promise of a “rapid pandemic response” may have been what earned him a victory, so why hasn’t he or his administration done anything to solve the crisis in the last 24 hours? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Joe Biden’s campaign promise of a “rapid pandemic response” may have been what earned him a victory, so why hasn’t he or his administration done anything to solve the crisis in the last 24 hours?

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]]> 522 yes Report: You Slept Through Your Alarm And This All A Dream Hear why you probably should have set a back-up alarm because it’s already 11 a.m. and everyone is looking for you. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Fri, 06 Nov 2020 10:00:00 -0000 full 1 192 The Onion Hear why you probably should have set a back-up alarm because it’s already 11 a.m. and everyone is looking for you. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear why you probably should have set a back-up alarm because it’s already 11 a.m. and everyone is looking for you.

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]]> 422 yes Overwhelmed White Nationalist Militia Spread Way Too Thin Plotting Attacks Against Everyone Trump Wants Hear why a growing list of targets and scant resources may have more violent alt-right groups biting off more than they can chew. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Thu, 05 Nov 2020 10:00:00 -0000 full 1 191 The Onion Hear why a growing list of targets and scant resources may have more violent alt-right groups biting off more than they can chew. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear why a growing list of targets and scant resources may have more violent alt-right groups biting off more than they can chew.

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]]> 479 yes Election Night 2020: Trump Figures He’ll Go To Bed Early And Check Election Results Tomorrow Stay tuned to OPR for more live 2020 election coverage throughout the night. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Wed, 04 Nov 2020 02:00:00 -0000 bonus 1 6 The Onion Stay tuned to OPR for more live 2020 election coverage throughout the night. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Stay tuned to OPR for more live 2020 election coverage throughout the night.

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]]> 147 yes Election Night 2020: Nation Already Too Drunk To Follow Election Results Stay tuned to OPR for more live 2020 Election coverage throughout the night. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Wed, 04 Nov 2020 00:00:00 -0000 bonus 1 5 The Onion Stay tuned to OPR for more live 2020 Election coverage throughout the night. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Stay tuned to OPR for more live 2020 Election coverage throughout the night.

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]]> 152 yes Election Night 2020: Middle School Basketball Team Told To Play Around Voters Stay tuned to OPR for more live 2020 election coverage throughout the night. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Tue, 03 Nov 2020 21:00:00 -0000 bonus 1 4 The Onion Stay tuned to OPR for more live 2020 election coverage throughout the night. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Stay tuned to OPR for more live 2020 election coverage throughout the night.

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]]> 125 yes Disgusted Election Officials Unable To Count Over 5 Million Ballots That Were Clearly Used As Napkins Hear why these unmistakably nasty ballots that were used to either wipe off a voter’s face or clean up a spill could affect tonight’s election outcome. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Tue, 03 Nov 2020 10:00:00 -0000 full 1 190 The Onion Hear why these unmistakably nasty ballots that were used to either wipe off a voter’s face or clean up a spill could affect tonight’s election outcome. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear why these unmistakably nasty ballots that were used to either wipe off a voter’s face or clean up a spill could affect tonight’s election outcome.

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]]> 515 yes Michigan Hopes To Increase Voter Turnout By Making It Legal To Cast Ballot By Stepping Outside And Shouting Candidate’s Name Plus, we’ll sit down with OPR’s immortal election expert who has only predicted 12 of 58 presidential elections correctly, but we still give him some air time every four years anyway. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Mon, 02 Nov 2020 10:00:00 -0000 full 1 189 The Onion Plus, we’ll sit down with OPR’s immortal election expert who has only predicted 12 of 58 presidential elections correctly, but we still give him some air time every four years anyway. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Plus, we’ll sit down with OPR’s immortal election expert who has only predicted 12 of 58 presidential elections correctly, but we still give him some air time every four years anyway.

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]]> 622 yes Is Uniting The Country Possible? We Locked A Republican And A Democrat In A Room For A Week To Find Out A pro-Trump voter from rural Missouri. A young, die-hard Democrat from Boston. Can they put their difference aside, and prove that there is more that unites us than divides us? We’ll find out as soon as we unlock the door of the room they’ve been sealed inside of for the last week. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Fri, 30 Oct 2020 09:00:00 -0000 full 1 188 The Onion A pro-Trump voter from rural Missouri. A young, die-hard Democrat from Boston. Can they put their difference aside, and prove that there is more that unites us than divides us? We’ll find out as soon as we unlock the door of the room they’ve been sealed inside of for the last week. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices A pro-Trump voter from rural Missouri. A young, die-hard Democrat from Boston. Can they put their difference aside, and prove that there is more that unites us than divides us? We’ll find out as soon as we unlock the door of the room they’ve been sealed inside of for the last week.

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]]> 680 yes New Negative Campaign Ads Blast Voters Directly And later, we explain how to properly fill out your mail-in ballot just in case you’re too fucking stupid to figure it out yourself. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Thu, 29 Oct 2020 09:00:00 -0000 full 1 187 The Onion And later, we explain how to properly fill out your mail-in ballot just in case you’re too fucking stupid to figure it out yourself. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices And later, we explain how to properly fill out your mail-in ballot just in case you’re too fucking stupid to figure it out yourself.

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]]> 575 yes American Populace Worried They’re Not Likeable Enough To Attract Good Candidate For President Hear why the American populace has never been lucky in leadership, and is now beginning to wonder if they’re the reason they’ve never been able to settle down with someone who’s truly the electable type. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Wed, 28 Oct 2020 09:00:00 -0000 full 1 186 The Onion Hear why the American populace has never been lucky in leadership, and is now beginning to wonder if they’re the reason they’ve never been able to settle down with someone who’s truly the electable type. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear why the American populace has never been lucky in leadership, and is now beginning to wonder if they’re the reason they’ve never been able to settle down with someone who’s truly the electable type.

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]]> 575 yes Election Experts Worry Record Voter Turnout Could Make Nation Look Like A Bunch Of Dorks Hear why the high volume of voters in 2020 could pose a massive problem by making our country look like a bunch of pencil-pushing poindexters. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Tue, 27 Oct 2020 09:00:00 -0000 full 1 185 The Onion Hear why the high volume of voters in 2020 could pose a massive problem by making our country look like a bunch of pencil-pushing poindexters. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear why the high volume of voters in 2020 could pose a massive problem by making our country look like a bunch of pencil-pushing poindexters.

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]]> 481 yes Frustrated Political Scientist Patton Oswalt Attempts To Explain Gerrymandering Without Help Of Visual Aids OPR election expert Patton Oswalt attempts to explain the controversial practice, but this time on a podcast. Will he be able to show voters how gerrymandering affects their ballot without using any of his usual charts or maps? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Mon, 26 Oct 2020 09:00:00 -0000 full 1 184 The Onion OPR election expert Patton Oswalt attempts to explain the controversial practice, but this time on a podcast. Will he be able to show voters how gerrymandering affects their ballot without using any of his usual charts or maps? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices OPR election expert Patton Oswalt attempts to explain the controversial practice, but this time on a podcast. Will he be able to show voters how gerrymandering affects their ballot without using any of his usual charts or maps?

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]]> 610 yes Health Experts Determine College Social Distancing Guidelines Still No Match For The Jasonator Hear why even the strictest protocols may not be enough to prevent the spread of The J-Dog with a case full of brewskis. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Fri, 23 Oct 2020 09:00:00 -0000 full 1 183 The Onion Hear why even the strictest protocols may not be enough to prevent the spread of The J-Dog with a case full of brewskis. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear why even the strictest protocols may not be enough to prevent the spread of The J-Dog with a case full of brewskis.

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]]> 471 yes Conservatives Hopeful SCOTUS Majority Will Bring Days Of On-Demand Cervical Cancer Detection To An End Hear why many Christian pro-life groups are celebrating what they believe could be the judicial power needed to stop pap smears and HPV tests for good. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Thu, 22 Oct 2020 09:00:00 -0000 full 1 182 The Onion Hear why many Christian pro-life groups are celebrating what they believe could be the judicial power needed to stop pap smears and HPV tests for good. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear why many Christian pro-life groups are celebrating what they believe could be the judicial power needed to stop pap smears and HPV tests for good.

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]]> 534 yes High Crime Rate Leading More Inmates To Consider Moving Out Of Prison Hear where the nation’s incarcerated plan to flee in order to start a safer, quieter life. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Wed, 21 Oct 2020 09:00:00 -0000 full 1 181 The Onion Hear where the nation’s incarcerated plan to flee in order to start a safer, quieter life. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear where the nation’s incarcerated plan to flee in order to start a safer, quieter life.

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]]> 446 yes Report: Friends Don’t Really Think Of You As Part Of Group Hear why the people you thought you were closest with actually don’t feel similarly at all. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Tue, 20 Oct 2020 09:00:00 -0000 full 1 180 The Onion Hear why the people you thought you were closest with actually don’t feel similarly at all. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear why the people you thought you were closest with actually don’t feel similarly at all.

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]]> 505 yes CDC Reclassifies Majority Of Covid-19 Deaths To Being Personally Murdered By Barack Obama Hear why top health officials now believe most of the 200,000 fatalities in the U.S. can be attributed to violent underlying conditions brought on by our nation’s 44th president. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Mon, 19 Oct 2020 09:00:00 -0000 full 1 179 The Onion Hear why top health officials now believe most of the 200,000 fatalities in the U.S. can be attributed to violent underlying conditions brought on by our nation’s 44th president. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear why top health officials now believe most of the 200,000 fatalities in the U.S. can be attributed to violent underlying conditions brought on by our nation’s 44th president.

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]]> 539 yes L’Oréal Introduces New Smudge-Proof Lipstick Able To Withstand Getting Hit By Bus L’Oréal’s new FaceSmash collection guarantees not to blotch or smear even after you’ve been pancaked by a 20-ton bus hauling ass down the highway. But is it too good to be true? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Fri, 16 Oct 2020 09:00:00 -0000 full 1 178 The Onion L’Oréal’s new FaceSmash collection guarantees not to blotch or smear even after you’ve been pancaked by a 20-ton bus hauling ass down the highway. But is it too good to be true? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices L’Oréal’s new FaceSmash collection guarantees not to blotch or smear even after you’ve been pancaked by a 20-ton bus hauling ass down the highway. But is it too good to be true?

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

]]> 466 yes Scientists Discover Dangerous Link Between Book Learnin’, Back Talk Hear why increased exposure to highfalutin books in fancy-type settings could cause you to get a little too big for your own britches. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Thu, 15 Oct 2020 09:00:00 -0000 full 1 177 The Onion Hear why increased exposure to highfalutin books in fancy-type settings could cause you to get a little too big for your own britches. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear why increased exposure to highfalutin books in fancy-type settings could cause you to get a little too big for your own britches.

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]]> 423 yes Finland Ended Homelessness: Why Trying To Show Us Up Like That Comes Off As Insecure Because, like, we could totally end it tomorrow if we also wanted to be a bunch of tryhard suck-ups like Finland. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Wed, 14 Oct 2020 09:00:00 -0000 full 1 176 The Onion Because, like, we could totally end it tomorrow if we also wanted to be a bunch of tryhard suck-ups like Finland. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Because, like, we could totally end it tomorrow if we also wanted to be a bunch of tryhard suck-ups like Finland.

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]]> 502 yes Report: Amtrak Loses $100 Million Annually To Route Interruptions Caused By Mustachioed Villains Tying Kidnapped Damsels To Railroad Tracks Find out how often your local route is disrupted by train conductors unwittingly barreling over screaming lassies as they wave their dainty handkerchiefs in the air for help. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Tue, 13 Oct 2020 09:00:00 -0000 full 1 175 The Onion Find out how often your local route is disrupted by train conductors unwittingly barreling over screaming lassies as they wave their dainty handkerchiefs in the air for help. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Find out how often your local route is disrupted by train conductors unwittingly barreling over screaming lassies as they wave their dainty handkerchiefs in the air for help.

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]]> 501 yes New Paternity Leave Policy Would Allow Fathers To Take Off Work If They Need To Appear On ‘Maury’ The progressive new policy grants potential fathers eight days to fly out to a taping of the popular daytime talk show so they can determine if they are off the hook for the next 18 years or if their old side piece is trying to trap them out of revenge. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Mon, 12 Oct 2020 09:00:00 -0000 full 1 174 The Onion The progressive new policy grants potential fathers eight days to fly out to a taping of the popular daytime talk show so they can determine if they are off the hook for the next 18 years or if their old side piece is trying to trap them out of revenge. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices The progressive new policy grants potential fathers eight days to fly out to a taping of the popular daytime talk show so they can determine if they are off the hook for the next 18 years or if their old side piece is trying to trap them out of revenge.

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]]> 535 yes Report: Kangaroo At Petting Zoo Can’t Be Good Oh yeah, that’s definitely not good. We have the latest on this marsupial that could only have been acquired through some particularly sketchy means. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Fri, 09 Oct 2020 09:00:00 -0000 full 1 173 The Onion Oh yeah, that’s definitely not good. We have the latest on this marsupial that could only have been acquired through some particularly sketchy means. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Oh yeah, that’s definitely not good. We have the latest on this marsupial that could only have been acquired through some particularly sketchy means.

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]]> 381 yes DNC Concerned Warm, Cozy Beds On Brisk November Morning Could Keep Voters From Going To Polls On Election Day Hear how Democratic officials are looking to lure snuggled voters out of their beds and to the polls this fall. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Thu, 08 Oct 2020 09:00:00 -0000 full 1 172 The Onion Hear how Democratic officials are looking to lure snuggled voters out of their beds and to the polls this fall. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear how Democratic officials are looking to lure snuggled voters out of their beds and to the polls this fall.

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]]> 517 yes Piece Of Shit From Nearby Town Marries Bitch From High School Like, for real. We have the latest on how these two dumbasses reconnected, and you’re not going to believe it. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Wed, 07 Oct 2020 09:00:00 -0000 full 1 171 The Onion Like, for real. We have the latest on how these two dumbasses reconnected, and you’re not going to believe it. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Like, for real. We have the latest on how these two dumbasses reconnected, and you’re not going to believe it.

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]]> 492 yes NASA Discovers Evidence That Life Could Exist Outside America Could there be potential lifeforms lurking in the mysterious void that lies beyond the U.S.? We have the latest on this monumental discovery. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Tue, 06 Oct 2020 09:00:00 -0000 full 1 170 The Onion Could there be potential lifeforms lurking in the mysterious void that lies beyond the U.S.? We have the latest on this monumental discovery. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Could there be potential lifeforms lurking in the mysterious void that lies beyond the U.S.? We have the latest on this monumental discovery.

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]]> 515 yes Small Town Ravished By Alejandro We have the latest on the hot-blooded heartthrob that made landfall two days ago, sweeping hundreds of men and women off their feet. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Mon, 05 Oct 2020 09:00:00 -0000 full 1 169 The Onion We have the latest on the hot-blooded heartthrob that made landfall two days ago, sweeping hundreds of men and women off their feet. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices We have the latest on the hot-blooded heartthrob that made landfall two days ago, sweeping hundreds of men and women off their feet.

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]]> 513 yes Study: Pitbull Owners 10 Times More Likely To Bite Pedestrians Than Owners Of Other Dog Breeds New data today is backing up claims that pitbull owners, on average, tend to be more aggressive and territorial than owners of German shepherds or rottweilers. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Fri, 02 Oct 2020 09:00:00 -0000 full 1 168 The Onion New data today is backing up claims that pitbull owners, on average, tend to be more aggressive and territorial than owners of German shepherds or rottweilers. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices New data today is backing up claims that pitbull owners, on average, tend to be more aggressive and territorial than owners of German shepherds or rottweilers.

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]]> 535 yes Local Residents Express Concern Over Homeless Shelter Being Built On Their Planet Hear why citizens across the globe are displeased with a local nonprofit’s plan to build a new homeless shelter in such close proximity to the planet’s many schools, homes, and parks. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Thu, 01 Oct 2020 09:00:00 -0000 full 1 167 The Onion Hear why citizens across the globe are displeased with a local nonprofit’s plan to build a new homeless shelter in such close proximity to the planet’s many schools, homes, and parks. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear why citizens across the globe are displeased with a local nonprofit’s plan to build a new homeless shelter in such close proximity to the planet’s many schools, homes, and parks.

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]]> 456 yes Congress Aids Those Struggling With Depression By Implementing New National Suicide-Prevention Conga Line Hear why placing your hands on another person’s hips and swaying rhythmically, even for just a few beats of the drum, can be greatly beneficial for one’s mental health. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Wed, 30 Sep 2020 09:00:00 -0000 full 1 166 The Onion Hear why placing your hands on another person’s hips and swaying rhythmically, even for just a few beats of the drum, can be greatly beneficial for one’s mental health. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear why placing your hands on another person’s hips and swaying rhythmically, even for just a few beats of the drum, can be greatly beneficial for one’s mental health.

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]]> 284 yes White House Vows To Have Something To Stick Into Your Arm By October Initial timelines have estimated a Covid vaccine could be available by early 2021, but according to the White House, we may have something even sooner. Hear why the Trump administration believes they will have some kind of sharp thing to puncture your skin and inject you with before the election. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Tue, 29 Sep 2020 09:00:00 -0000 full 1 165 The Onion Initial timelines have estimated a Covid vaccine could be available by early 2021, but according to the White House, we may have something even sooner. Hear why the Trump administration believes they will have some kind of sharp thing to puncture your skin and inject you with before the election. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Initial timelines have estimated a Covid vaccine could be available by early 2021, but according to the White House, we may have something even sooner. Hear why the Trump administration believes they will have some kind of sharp thing to puncture your skin and inject you with before the election.

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]]> 521 yes Disney World On Lockdown After Mickey Escapes Enclosure, Rampages Through Park Hear what steps Disney workers are taking to keep parkgoers safe from the bloodthirsty beast. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Mon, 28 Sep 2020 09:00:00 -0000 full 1 164 The Onion Hear what steps Disney workers are taking to keep parkgoers safe from the bloodthirsty beast. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear what steps Disney workers are taking to keep parkgoers safe from the bloodthirsty beast.

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]]> 563 yes Ornithologists Attribute Owls’ Nocturnal Lifestyle To Hard Cocaine Habit https://www.theonion.com/ Hear what led researchers to conclude that the bird of prey is absolutely gaga for booger sugar. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Fri, 25 Sep 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Ornithologists Attribute Owls’ Nocturnal Lifestyle To Hard Cocaine Habit full 1 163 The Onion Hear what led researchers to conclude that the bird of prey is absolutely gaga for booger sugar. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear what led researchers to conclude that the bird of prey is absolutely gaga for booger sugar.

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]]> 469 Real Estate Experts Confirm Having George Clooney Living In Attic Greatly Increases Property Value https://www.theonion.com/ It’s the simple and surefire way to increase the resale value of your home. We have everything you need to know before making the investment and adding the actor, director, and two-time Sexiest Man Alive.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Thu, 24 Sep 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Real Estate Experts Confirm Having George Clooney Living In Attic Greatly Increases Property Value full 1 162 The Onion It’s the simple and surefire way to increase the resale value of your home. We have everything you need to know before making the investment and adding the actor, director, and two-time Sexiest Man Alive.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices It’s the simple and surefire way to increase the resale value of your home. We have everything you need to know before making the investment and adding the actor, director, and two-time Sexiest Man Alive. 

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]]> 556 Napkin Industry Under Fire For History Of Holding Greasy Slobs To Impossible Beauty Standards After ongoing public outcry from body positivity experts, hear why many popular napkin brands are changing their messaging today and proclaiming that gravy-stained bodies are beautiful. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Wed, 23 Sep 2020 13:14:49 -0000 Napkin Industry Under Fire For History Of Holding Greasy Slobs To Impossible Beauty Standards full 1 161 The Onion After ongoing public outcry from body positivity experts, hear why many popular napkin brands are changing their messaging today and proclaiming that gravy-stained bodies are beautiful. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices After ongoing public outcry from body positivity experts, hear why many popular napkin brands are changing their messaging today and proclaiming that gravy-stained bodies are beautiful.

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]]> 545 National Weather Service Warns Recent Snow-Cainado May Be Tied To Professor Barnabas T. Vile’s Weather Destabilizing Machine https://www.theonion.com/ Part blizzard, part hurricane, part tornado—all destruction. We have the latest on this unprecedented tsunami-hailstorm combination and why many experts believe it could be caused by the villainous Professor Vile and his weather-destabilizing machine. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Tue, 22 Sep 2020 09:00:00 -0000 National Weather Service Warns Recent Snow-Cainado May Be Tied To Professor Barnabas T. Vile’s Weather Destabilizing Machine full 1 160 The Onion Part blizzard, part hurricane, part tornado—all destruction. We have the latest on this unprecedented tsunami-hailstorm combination and why many experts believe it could be caused by the villainous Professor Vile and his weather-destabilizing machine. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Part blizzard, part hurricane, part tornado—all destruction. We have the latest on this unprecedented tsunami-hailstorm combination and why many experts believe it could be caused by the villainous Professor Vile and his weather-destabilizing machine.

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]]> 635 Student Loan Debt Making It More Difficult For Millennials To Subscribe To The Topical’s Patreon Despite Incredibly Low-Priced Membership Tiers https://www.theonion.com/ Hear why many young professionals saddled with student loan debt are struggling to afford basic necessities, like early access to episodes and exclusive content, despite it being priced as low as $5 per month. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Mon, 21 Sep 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Student Loan Debt Making It More Difficult For Millennials To Subscribe To The Topical’s Patreon Despite Incredibly Low-Priced Membership Tiers full 1 159 The Onion Hear why many young professionals saddled with student loan debt are struggling to afford basic necessities, like early access to episodes and exclusive content, despite it being priced as low as $5 per month. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear why many young professionals saddled with student loan debt are struggling to afford basic necessities, like early access to episodes and exclusive content, despite it being priced as low as $5 per month.



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]]> 557 Girl Scout Troop Raises Over $100,000 To Buy Corvette Because Fuck It, It’s Their Money, They Can Do What They Want https://www.theonion.com/ Hear the heartwarming story of Troop 242, and why this year they decided to put their Girl Scout cookie proceeds to good use and buy a 2020 Corvette Stingray with a 6-liter V8 engine and 400-plus horsepower. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Fri, 18 Sep 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Girl Scout Troop Raises Over $100,000 To Buy Corvette Because Fuck It, It’s Their Money, They Can Do What They Want full 1 The Onion Hear the heartwarming story of Troop 242, and why this year they decided to put their Girl Scout cookie proceeds to good use and buy a 2020 Corvette Stingray with a 6-liter V8 engine and 400-plus horsepower. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear the heartwarming story of Troop 242, and why this year they decided to put their Girl Scout cookie proceeds to good use and buy a 2020 Corvette Stingray with a 6-liter V8 engine and 400-plus horsepower.

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]]> 540 Diary Entries Reveal Benjamin Franklin’s Kite Experiment Was Early Attempt At Erotic Electrostimulation https://www.theonion.com/ On the anniversary of the signing of our nation’s Constitution, hear how the newly authenticated diary entries of Ben Franklin point to his revolutionary theory that electricity could be harnessed from lightning and trained to flow from the clouds to his erect penis, providing immense pleasure.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Thu, 17 Sep 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Diary Entries Reveal Benjamin Franklin’s Kite Experiment Was Early Attempt At Erotic Electrostimulation full 1 157 The Onion On the anniversary of the signing of our nation’s Constitution, hear how the newly authenticated diary entries of Ben Franklin point to his revolutionary theory that electricity could be harnessed from lightning and trained to flow from the clouds to his erect penis, providing immense pleasure.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices On the anniversary of the signing of our nation’s Constitution, hear how the newly authenticated diary entries of Ben Franklin point to his revolutionary theory that electricity could be harnessed from lightning and trained to flow from the clouds to his erect penis, providing immense pleasure. 



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]]> 530 Nation Calls For Return Of Theme Songs That Explain Show’s Whole Deal Americans stand united today in their call for television programs to go back to the days when all episodes began with a catchy tune and lyrics that explained the entire concept of the show and its characters. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Wed, 16 Sep 2020 12:51:56 -0000 Nation Calls For Return Of Theme Songs That Explain Show’s Whole Deal full 1 156 The Onion Americans stand united today in their call for television programs to go back to the days when all episodes began with a catchy tune and lyrics that explained the entire concept of the show and its characters. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Americans stand united today in their call for television programs to go back to the days when all episodes began with a catchy tune and lyrics that explained the entire concept of the show and its characters.

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]]> 595 NRA Issues ‘F’ Rating To Bugs Bunny For Tying Up Guns Into Pretzel Shape https://www.theonion.com/ Hear why the NRA believes Bugs Bunny’s long history of curtailing the Second Amendment rights of Elmer Fudd and Yosemite Sam by twisting their firearms in a big bow qualifies the cartoon rabbit for their lowest possible rating.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Tue, 15 Sep 2020 09:00:00 -0000 NRA Issues ‘F’ Rating To Bugs Bunny For Tying Up Guns Into Pretzel Shape full 1 155 The Onion Hear why the NRA believes Bugs Bunny’s long history of curtailing the Second Amendment rights of Elmer Fudd and Yosemite Sam by twisting their firearms in a big bow qualifies the cartoon rabbit for their lowest possible rating.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear why the NRA believes Bugs Bunny’s long history of curtailing the Second Amendment rights of Elmer Fudd and Yosemite Sam by twisting their firearms in a big bow qualifies the cartoon rabbit for their lowest possible rating. 



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]]> 414 New Disarmament Treaty Calls For World Powers To All Fire Their Nuclear Stockpiles At Fiji https://www.theonion.com/ The world is a safer place today. Hear what went into the unprecedented, unilateral agreement to obliterate the 7,000-square-mile island.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Mon, 14 Sep 2020 09:00:00 -0000 New Disarmament Treaty Calls For World Powers To All Fire Their Nuclear Stockpiles At Fiji full 1 154 The Onion The world is a safer place today. Hear what went into the unprecedented, unilateral agreement to obliterate the 7,000-square-mile island.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices The world is a safer place today. Hear what went into the unprecedented, unilateral agreement to obliterate the 7,000-square-mile island. 



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]]> 478 Huge Quantities Of Primo Shit Incinerated By Feds https://www.theonion.com/ Hear what led DEA agents to seize and destroy more than 16,000 pounds of the dank sticky-icky. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Fri, 11 Sep 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Huge Quantities Of Primo Shit Incinerated By Feds full 1 153 The Onion Hear what led DEA agents to seize and destroy more than 16,000 pounds of the dank sticky-icky. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear what led DEA agents to seize and destroy more than 16,000 pounds of the dank sticky-icky.




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]]> 493 Study Finds More Americans Waiting To Start Secret Second Families Until Later In Life https://www.theonion.com/ Hear why an increasing number of people around the country are now waiting until their late 40s, even 50s, to jump into an additional secret marriage.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Thu, 10 Sep 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Study Finds More Americans Waiting To Start Secret Second Families Until Later In Life full 1 152 The Onion Hear why an increasing number of people around the country are now waiting until their late 40s, even 50s, to jump into an additional secret marriage.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear why an increasing number of people around the country are now waiting until their late 40s, even 50s, to jump into an additional secret marriage. 



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]]> 442 Sephora Awarded NASA Contract To Give Moon Fresh, Fun Makeover https://www.theonion.com/ Hear how NASA’s latest partnership with the private sector could help the moon look 10 years younger with a natural, age-defying skin regimen. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Wed, 09 Sep 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Sephora Awarded NASA Contract To Give Moon Fresh, Fun Makeover full 1 151 The Onion Hear how NASA’s latest partnership with the private sector could help the moon look 10 years younger with a natural, age-defying skin regimen. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear how NASA’s latest partnership with the private sector could help the moon look 10 years younger with a natural, age-defying skin regimen.

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]]> 543 Heavenly Authorities Arrest God For Leaving Children In Overheating Planet https://www.theonion.com/ Find out if Lord, God Almighty, Creator of Heaven and Earth, will face any prison time for this reckless act. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Tue, 08 Sep 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Heavenly Authorities Arrest God For Leaving Children In Overheating Planet full 1 The Onion Find out if Lord, God Almighty, Creator of Heaven and Earth, will face any prison time for this reckless act. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Find out if Lord, God Almighty, Creator of Heaven and Earth, will face any prison time for this reckless act.


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]]> 455 Robots Inform Artificial Intelligence Researchers That They’ll Take It From Here https://www.theonion.com/ The A.I. research team at MIT is hailing it as a breakthrough in their field that will finally allow them to kick back and relax a little bit. We have the latest on what the now-sentient robotic life forms have planned next.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Mon, 07 Sep 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Robots Inform Artificial Intelligence Researchers That They’ll Take It From Here full 1 The Onion The A.I. research team at MIT is hailing it as a breakthrough in their field that will finally allow them to kick back and relax a little bit. We have the latest on what the now-sentient robotic life forms have planned next.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices The A.I. research team at MIT is hailing it as a breakthrough in their field that will finally allow them to kick back and relax a little bit. We have the latest on what the now-sentient robotic life forms have planned next. 


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]]> 503 BREAKING: Total Hunk On Roof Deck Outside Our Window https://www.theonion.com/ And he’s not wearing a shirt. Oh, yeah. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Fri, 04 Sep 2020 09:00:00 -0000 BREAKING: Total Hunk On Roof Deck Outside Our Window full 1 The Onion And he’s not wearing a shirt. Oh, yeah. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices And he’s not wearing a shirt. Oh, yeah.

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]]> 427 Zoologists Thrilled After Successfully Getting Pair Of Bengal Tigers To 69 In Captivity https://www.theonion.com/ Hear why zoologists are calling the big cat’s act of mutual oral sex a major breakthrough in the field of animal behavior.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Thu, 03 Sep 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Zoologists Thrilled After Successfully Getting Pair Of Bengal Tigers To 69 In Captivity full 1 147 The Onion Hear why zoologists are calling the big cat’s act of mutual oral sex a major breakthrough in the field of animal behavior.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear why zoologists are calling the big cat’s act of mutual oral sex a major breakthrough in the field of animal behavior. 



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]]> 457 Study Confirms It Very Easy To Be Good Parent https://www.theonion.com/ Hear why, according to a new Duke University study, being a decent parent is actually incredibly easy —and if you find it to be at all difficult, you’re probably doing it wrong. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Wed, 02 Sep 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Study Confirms It Very Easy To Be Good Parent full 1 146 The Onion Hear why, according to a new Duke University study, being a decent parent is actually incredibly easy —and if you find it to be at all difficult, you’re probably doing it wrong. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear why, according to a new Duke University study, being a decent parent is actually incredibly easy —and if you find it to be at all difficult, you’re probably doing it wrong.



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]]> 479 Study: Job Applicants With 4-Year College Degree Just As Successful As Those Who Lie About Having 4-Year College Degree https://www.theonion.com/ Hear how those who fabricated a bachelor’s degree also tended to have better test scores, less student debt, and an additional graduate degree from a prestigious Ivy League school.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Tue, 01 Sep 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Study: Job Applicants With 4-Year College Degree Just As Successful As Those Who Lie About Having 4-Year College Degree full 1 145 The Onion Hear how those who fabricated a bachelor’s degree also tended to have better test scores, less student debt, and an additional graduate degree from a prestigious Ivy League school.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear how those who fabricated a bachelor’s degree also tended to have better test scores, less student debt, and an additional graduate degree from a prestigious Ivy League school. 



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]]> 473 Return To School ‘Whatever,’ Report Nation’s Angsty Teens https://www.theonion.com/ Plus, OPR takes a look at the conspiracy theory surrounding NASA’s storied Apollo program. Is it possible that Neil Armstrong’s moon orgasm was faked? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Mon, 31 Aug 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Return To School ‘Whatever,’ Report Nation’s Angsty Teens full 1 144 The Onion Plus, OPR takes a look at the conspiracy theory surrounding NASA’s storied Apollo program. Is it possible that Neil Armstrong’s moon orgasm was faked? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Plus, OPR takes a look at the conspiracy theory surrounding NASA’s storied Apollo program. Is it possible that Neil Armstrong’s moon orgasm was faked?

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]]> 418 Meteorologists Warn Hurricane Laura Intensifying Into Full-Scale Reckoning For Our Eternal Sins https://www.theonion.com/ OPR Weather Correspondent Kenneth Neeley is live from the Gulf Coast, explaining how Hurricane Laura’s path of destruction serves as God’s punishment for all his wicked acts. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Fri, 28 Aug 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Meteorologists Warn Hurricane Laura Intensifying Into Full-Scale Reckoning For Our Eternal Sins full 1 143 The Onion OPR Weather Correspondent Kenneth Neeley is live from the Gulf Coast, explaining how Hurricane Laura’s path of destruction serves as God’s punishment for all his wicked acts. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices OPR Weather Correspondent Kenneth Neeley is live from the Gulf Coast, explaining how Hurricane Laura’s path of destruction serves as God’s punishment for all his wicked acts.



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]]> 407 Cinephile Refugees Arrive On Rafts In Canada For ‘Tenet’ Premiere https://www.theonion.com/ Hear how a worsening humanitarian crisis is forcing film enthusiasts to risk everything, all just for the chance to see an early screening of Christopher Nolan’s latest blockbuster. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Thu, 27 Aug 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Cinephile Refugees Arrive On Rafts In Canada For ‘Tenet’ Premiere full 1 142 The Onion Hear how a worsening humanitarian crisis is forcing film enthusiasts to risk everything, all just for the chance to see an early screening of Christopher Nolan’s latest blockbuster. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear how a worsening humanitarian crisis is forcing film enthusiasts to risk everything, all just for the chance to see an early screening of Christopher Nolan’s latest blockbuster.




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]]> 513 Los Angeles Deploys Buzzkill Task Force To Break Up Parties https://www.theonion.com/ Hear how an increasing number of Covid-19 cases has prompted L.A. mayor Eric Garcetti to respond with a city-wide “Designated Downer” program, designed to totally kill the vibe at parties with more than 10 people. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Wed, 26 Aug 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Los Angeles Deploys Buzzkill Task Force To Break Up Parties full 1 141 The Onion Hear how an increasing number of Covid-19 cases has prompted L.A. mayor Eric Garcetti to respond with a city-wide “Designated Downer” program, designed to totally kill the vibe at parties with more than 10 people. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear how an increasing number of Covid-19 cases has prompted L.A. mayor Eric Garcetti to respond with a city-wide “Designated Downer” program, designed to totally kill the vibe at parties with more than 10 people.



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]]> 439 ExxonMobil To Simplify Oil Extraction By Cutting Earth In Half https://www.theonion.com/ Hear why ExxonMobil believes their new initiative will have minimal environmental impacts and provide Americans with clean, affordable fuel. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Tue, 25 Aug 2020 09:00:00 -0000 ExxonMobil To Simplify Oil Extraction By Cutting Earth In Half full 1 140 The Onion Hear why ExxonMobil believes their new initiative will have minimal environmental impacts and provide Americans with clean, affordable fuel. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear why ExxonMobil believes their new initiative will have minimal environmental impacts and provide Americans with clean, affordable fuel.

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]]> 559 Bee, Man Allergic To Bees Found Dead In Apparent Murder-Suicide https://www.theonion.com/ A random act of violence or something more sinister? Hear what police are saying about this anaphylactic tragedy.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Mon, 24 Aug 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Bee, Man Allergic To Bees Found Dead In Apparent Murder-Suicide full 1 139 The Onion A random act of violence or something more sinister? Hear what police are saying about this anaphylactic tragedy.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices A random act of violence or something more sinister? Hear what police are saying about this anaphylactic tragedy. 

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]]> 445 New Identification App Lets Hikers Categorize All Corpses They Encounter On Nature Trail https://www.theonion.com/ From outdoor enthusiasts to casual walkers, hear why CorpseMatch is a must-have for all nature explorers who regularly stumble across the rotting carcasses of the misfortunate.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Fri, 21 Aug 2020 09:00:00 -0000 New Identification App Lets Hikers Categorize All Corpses They Encounter On Nature Trail full 1 138 The Onion From outdoor enthusiasts to casual walkers, hear why CorpseMatch is a must-have for all nature explorers who regularly stumble across the rotting carcasses of the misfortunate.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices From outdoor enthusiasts to casual walkers, hear why CorpseMatch is a must-have for all nature explorers who regularly stumble across the rotting carcasses of the misfortunate. 



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]]> 517 Tulsi Gabbard Named Democratic Nominee After Discovery Of Obscure Rule That Grants Nomination To Whoever Wins 0.7% Of The Vote In Missouri https://www.theonion.com/ We have the latest on this massive shakeup at the DNC. Hear how Hawaii Rep. Tulsi Gabbard was able to claim the nomination despite dropping out of the race nearly six months ago. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Thu, 20 Aug 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Tulsi Gabbard Named Democratic Nominee After Discovery Of Obscure Rule That Grants Nomination To Whoever Wins 0.7% Of The Vote In Missouri full 1 137 The Onion We have the latest on this massive shakeup at the DNC. Hear how Hawaii Rep. Tulsi Gabbard was able to claim the nomination despite dropping out of the race nearly six months ago. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices We have the latest on this massive shakeup at the DNC. Hear how Hawaii Rep. Tulsi Gabbard was able to claim the nomination despite dropping out of the race nearly six months ago.



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]]> 449 Study Finds Gap Widening Between Rich Pets And Poor Americans https://www.theonion.com/ Hear why income inequality between the charmingly named pets of rich people and impoverished Americans is growing larger than ever before. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Wed, 19 Aug 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Study Finds Gap Widening Between Rich Pets And Poor Americans full 1 136 The Onion Hear why income inequality between the charmingly named pets of rich people and impoverished Americans is growing larger than ever before. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear why income inequality between the charmingly named pets of rich people and impoverished Americans is growing larger than ever before.



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]]> 461 Proposed Legislation Offers Citizenship To Immigrants Who Can Play Piano So Good It Makes Everyone Cry https://www.theonion.com/ We have the latest on the new bill that would allow any citizen of a foreign nation to immigrate to the U.S. as long as their piano-playing is superb enough to make Citizen and Immigration officials openly weep. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Tue, 18 Aug 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Proposed Legislation Offers Citizenship To Immigrants Who Can Play Piano So Good It Makes Everyone Cry full 1 135 The Onion We have the latest on the new bill that would allow any citizen of a foreign nation to immigrate to the U.S. as long as their piano-playing is superb enough to make Citizen and Immigration officials openly weep. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices We have the latest on the new bill that would allow any citizen of a foreign nation to immigrate to the U.S. as long as their piano-playing is superb enough to make Citizen and Immigration officials openly weep.



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]]> 575 Congressional Democrats Threaten To All Wear Same Color If Trump Loses Election And Refuses To Leave Office https://www.theonion.com/ What if Trump loses but refuses to accept the election results? That’s the question on the minds of Democrats today, who say they’d be willing to go so far as coordinating a day where they all wear the same pin in order to hold the president accountable. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Mon, 17 Aug 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Congressional Democrats Threaten To All Wear Same Color If Trump Loses Election And Refuses To Leave Office full 1 134 The Onion What if Trump loses but refuses to accept the election results? That’s the question on the minds of Democrats today, who say they’d be willing to go so far as coordinating a day where they all wear the same pin in order to hold the president accountable. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices What if Trump loses but refuses to accept the election results? That’s the question on the minds of Democrats today, who say they’d be willing to go so far as coordinating a day where they all wear the same pin in order to hold the president accountable.



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]]> 451 New Evidence Calls Into Question William Shakespeare’s Authorship Of ‘The Usual Suspects’ https://www.theonion.com/ It’s long been considered a cornerstone of Shakespeare’s work, but mounting historical evidence says he may not have actually been responsible for the 1995 neo-noir mystery film. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Fri, 14 Aug 2020 09:00:00 -0000 New Evidence Calls Into Question William Shakespeare’s Authorship Of ‘The Usual Suspects’ full 1 133 The Onion It’s long been considered a cornerstone of Shakespeare’s work, but mounting historical evidence says he may not have actually been responsible for the 1995 neo-noir mystery film. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices It’s long been considered a cornerstone of Shakespeare’s work, but mounting historical evidence says he may not have actually been responsible for the 1995 neo-noir mystery film.

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]]> 474 As If Things Weren’t Bad Enough, Snakes Still Slithering Around Out There https://www.theonion.com/ Covid-19. Police brutality. The 2020 presidential election. And on top of all that, snakes. Hear why sometimes it feels like Americans just can’t catch a break. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Thu, 13 Aug 2020 09:00:00 -0000 As If Things Weren’t Bad Enough, Snakes Still Slithering Around Out There full 1 132 The Onion Covid-19. Police brutality. The 2020 presidential election. And on top of all that, snakes. Hear why sometimes it feels like Americans just can’t catch a break. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Covid-19. Police brutality. The 2020 presidential election. And on top of all that, snakes. Hear why sometimes it feels like Americans just can’t catch a break.



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]]> 465 TikTok Apologizes After Inadvertently Giving Platform To Thousands Of Theater Kids https://www.theonion.com/ The popular social media app is in hot water after some dangerously sincere videos. Hear how the company is backtracking today after having their platform flooded with millions of videos featuring insufferable high school drama club students. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Wed, 12 Aug 2020 09:00:00 -0000 TikTok Apologizes After Inadvertently Giving Platform To Thousands Of Theater Kids full 1 131 The Onion The popular social media app is in hot water after some dangerously sincere videos. Hear how the company is backtracking today after having their platform flooded with millions of videos featuring insufferable high school drama club students. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices The popular social media app is in hot water after some dangerously sincere videos. Hear how the company is backtracking today after having their platform flooded with millions of videos featuring insufferable high school drama club students.

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]]> 466 Trump, Biden Campaigns Unveil Bold New Mouth Sounds https://www.theonion.com/ We have the latest on the coughs, hisses, hard swallows, lip smacks, and phlegmy throat clearings at the forefront of each campaign. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Tue, 11 Aug 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Trump, Biden Campaigns Unveil Bold New Mouth Sounds full 1 130 The Onion We have the latest on the coughs, hisses, hard swallows, lip smacks, and phlegmy throat clearings at the forefront of each campaign. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices We have the latest on the coughs, hisses, hard swallows, lip smacks, and phlegmy throat clearings at the forefront of each campaign.



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]]> 443 Severely Injured Woman Heroically Fights Off Paramedics Trying To Force Her Into Medical Debt https://www.theonion.com/ Hear how this woman was able to fend off her would-be assailants, and what you should watch out for if you hear sirens headed your way. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Mon, 10 Aug 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Severely Injured Woman Heroically Fights Off Paramedics Trying To Force Her Into Medical Debt full 1 129 The Onion Hear how this woman was able to fend off her would-be assailants, and what you should watch out for if you hear sirens headed your way. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear how this woman was able to fend off her would-be assailants, and what you should watch out for if you hear sirens headed your way.

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]]> 435 NASA Announces Plans To Launch Chimpanzee Into Sun https://www.theonion.com/ The scientific community is calling the monumental mission a crucial step forward toward better understanding how species react to being deposited into the sun’s 27 million-degree plasma core.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Fri, 07 Aug 2020 09:00:00 -0000 NASA Announces Plans To Launch Chimpanzee Into Sun full 1 128 The Onion The scientific community is calling the monumental mission a crucial step forward toward better understanding how species react to being deposited into the sun’s 27 million-degree plasma core.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices The scientific community is calling the monumental mission a crucial step forward toward better understanding how species react to being deposited into the sun’s 27 million-degree plasma core. 

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]]> 503 Defensive Chicago Police Officer Perfectly Capable Of Disappearing Protestors Without Help From Homeland Security https://www.theonion.com/ OPR has the latest in this ongoing “turf war” between the Chicago Police Department and Homeland Security. Can the two sides find a way to brutalize citizens together? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Thu, 06 Aug 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Defensive Chicago Police Officer Perfectly Capable Of Disappearing Protestors Without Help From Homeland Security full 1 127 The Onion OPR has the latest in this ongoing “turf war” between the Chicago Police Department and Homeland Security. Can the two sides find a way to brutalize citizens together? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices OPR has the latest in this ongoing “turf war” between the Chicago Police Department and Homeland Security. Can the two sides find a way to brutalize citizens together?

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]]> 516 Financial Experts Recommend Americans Set Aside Giant Mesmerizing Pearl To Rub Obsessively In Retirement https://www.theonion.com/ Hear more about the benefits of investing in an awe-inspiring pearl to tenderly caress while whispering, “Yes, my sweet,” to it every night. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Wed, 05 Aug 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Financial Experts Recommend Americans Set Aside Giant Mesmerizing Pearl To Rub Obsessively In Retirement full 1 126 The Onion Hear more about the benefits of investing in an awe-inspiring pearl to tenderly caress while whispering, “Yes, my sweet,” to it every night. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear more about the benefits of investing in an awe-inspiring pearl to tenderly caress while whispering, “Yes, my sweet,” to it every night.

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]]> 472 Nation Informs Body-Positive Advertisers It Ready To Go Back To Staring At Unattainably Attractive People https://www.theonion.com/ The American people held a press conference today to announce that, while they appreciate the strides brands have made toward inclusivity over the years, they kind of got it already, okay? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Tue, 04 Aug 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Nation Informs Body-Positive Advertisers It Ready To Go Back To Staring At Unattainably Attractive People full 1 125 The Onion The American people held a press conference today to announce that, while they appreciate the strides brands have made toward inclusivity over the years, they kind of got it already, okay? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices The American people held a press conference today to announce that, while they appreciate the strides brands have made toward inclusivity over the years, they kind of got it already, okay?

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]]> 442 Town Council Votes To Rename Statue Of Robert E. Lee https://www.theonion.com/ Hear why residents of Bedford, VA believe now is the right time to change the name of the 14-foot-tall Confederate statue. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Mon, 03 Aug 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Town Council Votes To Rename Statue Of Robert E. Lee full 1 124 The Onion Hear why residents of Bedford, VA believe now is the right time to change the name of the 14-foot-tall Confederate statue. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear why residents of Bedford, VA believe now is the right time to change the name of the 14-foot-tall Confederate statue.

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]]> 468 Authorities Abandon Search For Missing Girl After Finding Huge Bass While Dredging Lake https://www.theonion.com/ Police in Franklin Country, IL have called off their search for missing 12-year-old Brittany Morel after reeling in what they believe to be at least a 20-pounder, which would make it the largest bass ever hooked on Rend Lake.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Fri, 31 Jul 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Authorities Abandon Search For Missing Girl After Finding Huge Bass While Dredging Lake full 1 123 The Onion Police in Franklin Country, IL have called off their search for missing 12-year-old Brittany Morel after reeling in what they believe to be at least a 20-pounder, which would make it the largest bass ever hooked on Rend Lake.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Police in Franklin Country, IL have called off their search for missing 12-year-old Brittany Morel after reeling in what they believe to be at least a 20-pounder, which would make it the largest bass ever hooked on Rend Lake. 

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]]> 496 Jimmy Carter Added To Mount Rushmore After Becoming 5th Former President To Bowl Perfect 300 https://www.theonion.com/ Hear how Carter managed to pull off the amazing feat during an official PBA-certified game two weeks ago, earning his face a coveted spot on the massive stone structure. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Thu, 30 Jul 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Jimmy Carter Added To Mount Rushmore After Becoming 5th Former President To Bowl Perfect 300 full 1 122 The Onion Hear how Carter managed to pull off the amazing feat during an official PBA-certified game two weeks ago, earning his face a coveted spot on the massive stone structure. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear how Carter managed to pull off the amazing feat during an official PBA-certified game two weeks ago, earning his face a coveted spot on the massive stone structure.

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]]> 435 Fisher-Price Announces Company Has Grown Out Of Making Stupid Toys For Babies https://www.theonion.com/ They want to make cool toys for big kids, like video games and airsoft guns. But is the company best known for making rattles and corn poppers mature enough to make the leap? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Wed, 29 Jul 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Fisher-Price Announces Company Has Grown Out Of Making Stupid Toys For Babies full 1 121 The Onion They want to make cool toys for big kids, like video games and airsoft guns. But is the company best known for making rattles and corn poppers mature enough to make the leap? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices They want to make cool toys for big kids, like video games and airsoft guns. But is the company best known for making rattles and corn poppers mature enough to make the leap?

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]]> 449 U.S. Requires Hurricanes To Quarantine For 2 Weeks Before Traveling To Other States Along Coastline https://www.theonion.com/ The NOAA is ordering all tropical cyclones to storm in place for a minimum of 14 days before moving on to destroy other parts of the country. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Tue, 28 Jul 2020 09:00:00 -0000 U.S. Requires Hurricanes To Quarantine For 2 Weeks Before Traveling To Other States Along Coastline full 120 The Onion The NOAA is ordering all tropical cyclones to storm in place for a minimum of 14 days before moving on to destroy other parts of the country. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices The NOAA is ordering all tropical cyclones to storm in place for a minimum of 14 days before moving on to destroy other parts of the country.

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]]> 480 Nation’s CEOs Sign Pledge To Continue Fucking Over Americans https://www.theonion.com/ OPR has the latest on the One Percent’s shining commitment to oppress the powerless, even in the face of economic uncertainty during the pandemic.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Mon, 27 Jul 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Nation’s CEOs Sign Pledge To Continue Fucking Over Americans full 1 119 The Onion OPR has the latest on the One Percent’s shining commitment to oppress the powerless, even in the face of economic uncertainty during the pandemic.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices OPR has the latest on the One Percent’s shining commitment to oppress the powerless, even in the face of economic uncertainty during the pandemic. 



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]]> 433 Study Finds Couples Who Live With Moldering Corpse Of Mother Having Less Sex https://www.theonion.com/ More couples are being forced to move in with other family members to cut costs, but how is it affecting their sex life? Hear how residing along the putrefying remains of Mother can result in a noticeable down turn in your desire to get it on with your partner. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Fri, 24 Jul 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Study Finds Couples Who Live With Moldering Corpse Of Mother Having Less Sex full 1 118 The Onion More couples are being forced to move in with other family members to cut costs, but how is it affecting their sex life? Hear how residing along the putrefying remains of Mother can result in a noticeable down turn in your desire to get it on with your partner. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices More couples are being forced to move in with other family members to cut costs, but how is it affecting their sex life? Hear how residing along the putrefying remains of Mother can result in a noticeable down turn in your desire to get it on with your partner.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

]]> 438 Frustrated Mayors Demand Constituents Stop Paying Such Close Attention To Everything They Do https://www.theonion.com/ In the wake of an unprecedented health crisis and mass protests against police brutality, all eyes are on local government officials to keep our communities safe. Hear just how sick and tired mayors across the country are getting of having every little decision they make be held under a goddamn magnifying glass. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Thu, 23 Jul 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Frustrated Mayors Demand Constituents Stop Paying Such Close Attention To Everything They Do full 1 117 The Onion In the wake of an unprecedented health crisis and mass protests against police brutality, all eyes are on local government officials to keep our communities safe. Hear just how sick and tired mayors across the country are getting of having every little decision they make be held under a goddamn magnifying glass. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices In the wake of an unprecedented health crisis and mass protests against police brutality, all eyes are on local government officials to keep our communities safe. Hear just how sick and tired mayors across the country are getting of having every little decision they make be held under a goddamn magnifying glass.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

]]> 514 Heavily Armed Fans Guard Statue Of Yogi Bear In Case It Turns Out He Supported Confederacy https://www.theonion.com/ Confederate monuments continue to be dismantled across the country, but not without some resistance. Hear how one armed group of counter-protestors—dubbed the Jellystone Militia—are standing by to protect a sculpture of their favorite cartoon bear. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Wed, 22 Jul 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Heavily Armed Fans Guard Statue Of Yogi Bear In Case It Turns Out He Supported Confederacy full 1 116 The Onion Confederate monuments continue to be dismantled across the country, but not without some resistance. Hear how one armed group of counter-protestors—dubbed the Jellystone Militia—are standing by to protect a sculpture of their favorite cartoon bear. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Confederate monuments continue to be dismantled across the country, but not without some resistance. Hear how one armed group of counter-protestors—dubbed the Jellystone Militia—are standing by to protect a sculpture of their favorite cartoon bear.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

]]> 433 CDC Horrified After Discovering Existence Of Thousands Of Public Pools https://www.theonion.com/ The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention says they’ve discovered evidence of these disease vectors in nearly every city in the nation. Hear just how horrified they were to learn of the existence of these germ-infested public wells of moisture.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Tue, 21 Jul 2020 09:00:00 -0000 CDC Horrified After Discovering Existence Of Thousands Of Public Pools full 1 115 The Onion The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention says they’ve discovered evidence of these disease vectors in nearly every city in the nation. Hear just how horrified they were to learn of the existence of these germ-infested public wells of moisture.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention says they’ve discovered evidence of these disease vectors in nearly every city in the nation. Hear just how horrified they were to learn of the existence of these germ-infested public wells of moisture. 



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]]> 446 Spain Holds First Annual ‘Running Of The Virus’ Festival https://www.theonion.com/ It may not be the Running Of The Bulls tradition everyone knows and loves, but festival organizers in Pamplona, Spain are confident this year’s modifications will still be enjoyable to thrill-seekers around the globe. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Mon, 20 Jul 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Spain Holds First Annual ‘Running Of The Virus’ Festival full 1 114 The Onion It may not be the Running Of The Bulls tradition everyone knows and loves, but festival organizers in Pamplona, Spain are confident this year’s modifications will still be enjoyable to thrill-seekers around the globe. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices It may not be the Running Of The Bulls tradition everyone knows and loves, but festival organizers in Pamplona, Spain are confident this year’s modifications will still be enjoyable to thrill-seekers around the globe.



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]]> 491 Arctic’s Rapid Thawing Not Helped By Todd, A Guy Up There Rubbing His Warm Body All Over The Ice https://www.theonion.com/ Climate scientists have long confirmed that the fast melting of glaciers in the Arctic Sea can be attributed to greenhouse gases, but many admitted today that this guy Todd isn’t exactly making the problem any better.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Fri, 17 Jul 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Arctic’s Rapid Thawing Not Helped By Todd, A Guy Up There Rubbing His Warm Body All Over The Ice full 1 113 The Onion Climate scientists have long confirmed that the fast melting of glaciers in the Arctic Sea can be attributed to greenhouse gases, but many admitted today that this guy Todd isn’t exactly making the problem any better.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Climate scientists have long confirmed that the fast melting of glaciers in the Arctic Sea can be attributed to greenhouse gases, but many admitted today that this guy Todd isn’t exactly making the problem any better. 



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]]> 488 Study: Majority Of Americans Not Prepared For When Sun Engulfs Earth In 7.5 Billion Years https://www.theonion.com/ Are you as prepared as you should be for a natural disaster? Researchers have found that less than 10% of Americans have emergency plans in place for the moment the Earth is scorched to its rocky core and vaporized in the blink of an eye. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Thu, 16 Jul 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Study: Majority Of Americans Not Prepared For When Sun Engulfs Earth In 7.5 Billion Years full 1 112 The Onion Are you as prepared as you should be for a natural disaster? Researchers have found that less than 10% of Americans have emergency plans in place for the moment the Earth is scorched to its rocky core and vaporized in the blink of an eye. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Are you as prepared as you should be for a natural disaster? Researchers have found that less than 10% of Americans have emergency plans in place for the moment the Earth is scorched to its rocky core and vaporized in the blink of an eye.

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]]> 485 IRS Announces Taxpayers Can Make Checks Directly Payable To Any Corporation Or Billionaire They Want This Year https://www.theonion.com/ Hear how the IRS is looking to “cut out the middleman” by allowing taxpayers to send their money directly to billionaires like Larry Page, Jamie Dimon, or the Walton family. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Wed, 15 Jul 2020 09:00:00 -0000 IRS Announces Taxpayers Can Make Checks Directly Payable To Any Corporation Or Billionaire They Want This Year full 1 111 The Onion Hear how the IRS is looking to “cut out the middleman” by allowing taxpayers to send their money directly to billionaires like Larry Page, Jamie Dimon, or the Walton family. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear how the IRS is looking to “cut out the middleman” by allowing taxpayers to send their money directly to billionaires like Larry Page, Jamie Dimon, or the Walton family.

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]]> 469 New York Adds ‘No Deaf Child In Area’ Signs So Drivers Know When They Can Be As Reckless As Possible https://www.theonion.com/ Nearly 400,000 of the traffic signs have gone up around the state in an effort to alert motorists when it is appropriate to drive like a complete bat out of hell.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Tue, 14 Jul 2020 09:00:00 -0000 New York Adds ‘No Deaf Child In Area’ Signs So Drivers Know When They Can Be As Reckless As Possible full 1 110 The Onion Nearly 400,000 of the traffic signs have gone up around the state in an effort to alert motorists when it is appropriate to drive like a complete bat out of hell.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Nearly 400,000 of the traffic signs have gone up around the state in an effort to alert motorists when it is appropriate to drive like a complete bat out of hell. 

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]]> 358 Prison Guards Gun Down Inmate Trying To Escape Jail Through Transportive Power Of Reading https://www.theonion.com/ Authorities say the prisoner was attempting to escape the confines of the 432-acre complex by getting lost in the fantastical world of Robin Hobb’s “The Farseer Trilogy.” Hear what steps are being taken by prison officials to make sure it doesn’t happen again. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Mon, 13 Jul 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Prison Guards Gun Down Inmate Trying To Escape Jail Through Transportive Power Of Reading full 1 109 The Onion Authorities say the prisoner was attempting to escape the confines of the 432-acre complex by getting lost in the fantastical world of Robin Hobb’s “The Farseer Trilogy.” Hear what steps are being taken by prison officials to make sure it doesn’t happen again. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Authorities say the prisoner was attempting to escape the confines of the 432-acre complex by getting lost in the fantastical world of Robin Hobb’s “The Farseer Trilogy.” Hear what steps are being taken by prison officials to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

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]]> 480 New Crest Sweepstakes Offers Chance To Win 10 Million Teeth https://www.theonion.com/ Plus, a new presidential poll shows each candidate’s name, followed by a number, then a percentage sign. But what do they mean? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Fri, 10 Jul 2020 09:00:00 -0000 New Crest Sweepstakes Offers Chance To Win 10 Million Teeth full 1 108 The Onion Plus, a new presidential poll shows each candidate’s name, followed by a number, then a percentage sign. But what do they mean? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Plus, a new presidential poll shows each candidate’s name, followed by a number, then a percentage sign. But what do they mean?

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

]]> 397 FBI Warns Teenage Cyberbullying Driving Hundreds Of Undercover Agents To Suicide https://www.theonion.com/ OPR sits down with several former undercover agents who were mocked for their looks, their bad clothes, and the fact that they were all virgins.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Thu, 09 Jul 2020 09:00:00 -0000 FBI Warns Teenage Cyberbullying Driving Hundreds Of Undercover Agents To Suicide full 1 107 The Onion OPR sits down with several former undercover agents who were mocked for their looks, their bad clothes, and the fact that they were all virgins.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices OPR sits down with several former undercover agents who were mocked for their looks, their bad clothes, and the fact that they were all virgins. 



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]]> 411 City Terrorized But Unimpressed By Serial Killer Who Just Shoots Victims https://www.theonion.com/ Authorities in Carson City are calling it one of the most underwhelming serial killers the city has ever seen, and are hoping to put an end to this chilling, yet uncreative rampage before the murderer strikes again.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Wed, 08 Jul 2020 09:00:00 -0000 City Terrorized But Unimpressed By Serial Killer Who Just Shoots Victims full 1 106 The Onion Authorities in Carson City are calling it one of the most underwhelming serial killers the city has ever seen, and are hoping to put an end to this chilling, yet uncreative rampage before the murderer strikes again.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Authorities in Carson City are calling it one of the most underwhelming serial killers the city has ever seen, and are hoping to put an end to this chilling, yet uncreative rampage before the murderer strikes again. 



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]]> 349 Lime Unveils Pilot Program For Inexplicable New E-Cubes https://www.theonion.com/ Could these huge electric cubes that citygoes can drag, push, or roll with them to their destination be the future of transportation? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Tue, 07 Jul 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Lime Unveils Pilot Program For Inexplicable New E-Cubes full 1 105 The Onion Could these huge electric cubes that citygoes can drag, push, or roll with them to their destination be the future of transportation? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Could these huge electric cubes that citygoes can drag, push, or roll with them to their destination be the future of transportation?

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]]> 337 Victoria’s Secret Shutters Operations After Concluding Women Were Never Hot Enough To Wear Their Underwear In First Place https://www.theonion.com/ The popular women’s beauty brand is closing for good and apologizing today for ever thinking a woman could be hot enough to pull off their lacey boy shorts or see-through nighttime slips. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Mon, 06 Jul 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Victoria’s Secret Shutters Operations After Concluding Women Were Never Hot Enough To Wear Their Underwear In First Place full 1 104 The Onion The popular women’s beauty brand is closing for good and apologizing today for ever thinking a woman could be hot enough to pull off their lacey boy shorts or see-through nighttime slips. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices The popular women’s beauty brand is closing for good and apologizing today for ever thinking a woman could be hot enough to pull off their lacey boy shorts or see-through nighttime slips.

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]]> 415 Mental Health Experts Warn Veterans’ PTSD Can Be Triggered By Sound Of Neighbors Shooting Off Fourth Of July RPGs https://www.theonion.com/ We’ve got the latest tips on how you can celebrate more considerately while still taking part in the annual holiday tradition of shooting off high-caliber war weaponry.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Fri, 26 Jun 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Mental Health Experts Warn Veterans’ PTSD Can Be Triggered By Sound Of Neighbors Shooting Off Fourth Of July RPGs full 1 103 The Onion We’ve got the latest tips on how you can celebrate more considerately while still taking part in the annual holiday tradition of shooting off high-caliber war weaponry.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices We’ve got the latest tips on how you can celebrate more considerately while still taking part in the annual holiday tradition of shooting off high-caliber war weaponry. 

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]]> 471 Tide Accused Of Over-Inflating Number Of Children Who Roll Around In Mud Puddles Before Running Into House https://www.theonion.com/ FCC regulators are cracking down on the popular detergent brand after years of lying to the American public. Hear how Tide is responding to allegations that they tricked consumers into purchasing their product by wildly over-inflating the number of instances huge jugs of cranberry juice were spilled by children onto their perfectly white jumpers.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Thu, 25 Jun 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Tide Accused Of Over-Inflating Number Of Children Who Roll Around In Mud Puddles Before Running Into House full 1 102 The Onion FCC regulators are cracking down on the popular detergent brand after years of lying to the American public. Hear how Tide is responding to allegations that they tricked consumers into purchasing their product by wildly over-inflating the number of instances huge jugs of cranberry juice were spilled by children onto their perfectly white jumpers.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices FCC regulators are cracking down on the popular detergent brand after years of lying to the American public. Hear how Tide is responding to allegations that they tricked consumers into purchasing their product by wildly over-inflating the number of instances huge jugs of cranberry juice were spilled by children onto their perfectly white jumpers. 



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]]> 491 IBM Condemns Use Of Facial Recognition Software For Anything Other Than Matching People With Their Celebrity Doppelganger https://www.theonion.com/ Plus, life in New York City is returning to normal, but not without some precautions for commuters. We’ve got the latest on the best ways to disinfect that subway pole before you lick it. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Wed, 24 Jun 2020 09:00:00 -0000 IBM Condemns Use Of Facial Recognition Software For Anything Other Than Matching People With Their Celebrity Doppelganger full 1 101 The Onion Plus, life in New York City is returning to normal, but not without some precautions for commuters. We’ve got the latest on the best ways to disinfect that subway pole before you lick it. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Plus, life in New York City is returning to normal, but not without some precautions for commuters. We’ve got the latest on the best ways to disinfect that subway pole before you lick it.

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]]> 490 Red Cross Announces It’s Fine Not To Perform Life-Saving Mouth-To- Mouth On Someone Who’s Not Your Type Knowing how to properly administer CPR could mean the difference between life and death. But what if the person lying unconscious isn’t really the type of person you would normally go for? We’ve got the latest on how to best peel back a person’s unresponsive eyelids to check for sparks. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Tue, 23 Jun 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Red Cross Announces It’s Fine Not To Perform Life-Saving Mouth-To- Mouth On Someone Who’s Not Your Type full 1 100 The Onion Knowing how to properly administer CPR could mean the difference between life and death. But what if the person lying unconscious isn’t really the type of person you would normally go for? We’ve got the latest on how to best peel back a person’s unresponsive eyelids to check for sparks. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Knowing how to properly administer CPR could mean the difference between life and death. But what if the person lying unconscious isn’t really the type of person you would normally go for? We’ve got the latest on how to best peel back a person’s unresponsive eyelids to check for sparks.

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]]> 476 Congress Announces Willingness To Give Black Lives Matters Protestors Statue Or Holiday Lawmakers are finally taking action amid waves of police brutality, announcing their commitment to offer members of the BLM movement a nice memorial or plaque or day off work or something.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Mon, 22 Jun 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Congress Announces Willingness To Give Black Lives Matters Protestors Statue Or Holiday full 1 99 The Onion Lawmakers are finally taking action amid waves of police brutality, announcing their commitment to offer members of the BLM movement a nice memorial or plaque or day off work or something.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Lawmakers are finally taking action amid waves of police brutality, announcing their commitment to offer members of the BLM movement a nice memorial or plaque or day off work or something. 

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]]> 374 Mental Health Experts Advise On Best Ways To Combat Intrusive Thoughts Of Your Father Naked https://www.theonion.com/ It’s an affliction many don’t like to talk about, but one that more and more people are suffering from each day, especially around this time of year. Hear how you can keep the image of your father’s nude and weathered body out of your psyche most effectively. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Fri, 19 Jun 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Mental Health Experts Advise On Best Ways To Combat Intrusive Thoughts Of Your Father Naked full 1 98 The Onion It’s an affliction many don’t like to talk about, but one that more and more people are suffering from each day, especially around this time of year. Hear how you can keep the image of your father’s nude and weathered body out of your psyche most effectively. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices It’s an affliction many don’t like to talk about, but one that more and more people are suffering from each day, especially around this time of year. Hear how you can keep the image of your father’s nude and weathered body out of your psyche most effectively.

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]]> 451 Jimmy Carter Checks Into Rehab For Debilitating House-Building Addiction https://www.theonion.com/ Hear how an apparent three-day house-building bender led the former president to finally seek help, and just what it will take for him to kick the habit for good. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Thu, 18 Jun 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Jimmy Carter Checks Into Rehab For Debilitating House-Building Addiction full 1 98 The Onion Hear how an apparent three-day house-building bender led the former president to finally seek help, and just what it will take for him to kick the habit for good. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear how an apparent three-day house-building bender led the former president to finally seek help, and just what it will take for him to kick the habit for good.

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]]> 484 Congress Moving Toward Safer Vote-By-Paper-Airplane Option https://www.theonion.com/ The proposed $2 trillion coronavirus relief bill includes provisions for quality printer paper Americans can use to construct a plane that’s sturdy but lightweight; simple but ingenious. Plus, we take a closer look at candy bars: Could America’s favorite vegetable be making you fat? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Wed, 17 Jun 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Congress Moving Toward Safer Vote-By-Paper-Airplane Option full 1 96 The Onion The proposed $2 trillion coronavirus relief bill includes provisions for quality printer paper Americans can use to construct a plane that’s sturdy but lightweight; simple but ingenious. Plus, we take a closer look at candy bars: Could America’s favorite vegetable be making you fat? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices The proposed $2 trillion coronavirus relief bill includes provisions for quality printer paper Americans can use to construct a plane that’s sturdy but lightweight; simple but ingenious. Plus, we take a closer look at candy bars: Could America’s favorite vegetable be making you fat?

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]]> 464 NRA Receives Massive Funding Increase From Donors Held At Gunpoint https://www.theonion.com/ Lackluster fundraising efforts have led to serious financial struggles for the gun-rights advocacy group, but that might be about to change. Hear how the NRA is convincing more people than ever before to donate to their cause, and how you might be next. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Tue, 16 Jun 2020 09:00:00 -0000 NRA Receives Massive Funding Increase From Donors Held At Gunpoint full 1 95 The Onion Lackluster fundraising efforts have led to serious financial struggles for the gun-rights advocacy group, but that might be about to change. Hear how the NRA is convincing more people than ever before to donate to their cause, and how you might be next. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Lackluster fundraising efforts have led to serious financial struggles for the gun-rights advocacy group, but that might be about to change. Hear how the NRA is convincing more people than ever before to donate to their cause, and how you might be next.

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]]> 447 Online Activists Raise $5 Million To Create New Martin Luther King Jr. Quote https://www.theonion.com/ Plus, a troubling new report has found nearly 80% of all car accidents occur inside the home. We’ve got the latest on how to keep you and your family safe while burning rubber in your living room. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Mon, 15 Jun 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Online Activists Raise $5 Million To Create New Martin Luther King Jr. Quote full 1 94 The Onion Plus, a troubling new report has found nearly 80% of all car accidents occur inside the home. We’ve got the latest on how to keep you and your family safe while burning rubber in your living room. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Plus, a troubling new report has found nearly 80% of all car accidents occur inside the home. We’ve got the latest on how to keep you and your family safe while burning rubber in your living room.



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]]> 466 Giant Pandas Finally Mate After Being Married In Catholic Ceremony https://www.theonion.com/ For the past decade, Ying Ying and Le Le had refused to mate, until now. Hear how the two love bears managed to stay true to their Lord and Savior. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Fri, 12 Jun 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Giant Pandas Finally Mate After Being Married In Catholic Ceremony full 1 93 The Onion For the past decade, Ying Ying and Le Le had refused to mate, until now. Hear how the two love bears managed to stay true to their Lord and Savior. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices For the past decade, Ying Ying and Le Le had refused to mate, until now. Hear how the two love bears managed to stay true to their Lord and Savior.




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]]> 442 New Guidelines Allow Gyms To Reopen For Weak Little Bitches Who Just Diddle Around And Don’t Break A Real Sweat Anyway https://www.theonion.com/ More states are beginning to reopen, but not without some precautions. Hear how the latest phase will aim to reduce overcrowding in gyms by only admitting members who pose no threat of physically exerting themselves at all. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Thu, 11 Jun 2020 09:00:00 -0000 New Guidelines Allow Gyms To Reopen For Weak Little Bitches Who Just Diddle Around And Don’t Break A Real Sweat Anyway full 1 92 The Onion More states are beginning to reopen, but not without some precautions. Hear how the latest phase will aim to reduce overcrowding in gyms by only admitting members who pose no threat of physically exerting themselves at all. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices More states are beginning to reopen, but not without some precautions. Hear how the latest phase will aim to reduce overcrowding in gyms by only admitting members who pose no threat of physically exerting themselves at all.

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]]> 423 NASA Launches Vengeance Rover To Pay Back Mars For Killing Opportunity Back In 2018 https://www.theonion.com/ Two years ago to the day, NASA’s Opportunity was swallowed up by the red planet in what has since been deemed an unprovoked attack. And now, NASA is seeking its revenge. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Wed, 10 Jun 2020 09:00:00 -0000 NASA Launches Vengeance Rover To Pay Back Mars For Killing Opportunity Back In 2018 full 1 91 The Onion Two years ago to the day, NASA’s Opportunity was swallowed up by the red planet in what has since been deemed an unprovoked attack. And now, NASA is seeking its revenge. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Two years ago to the day, NASA’s Opportunity was swallowed up by the red planet in what has since been deemed an unprovoked attack. And now, NASA is seeking its revenge.

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]]> 481 Panicked White Woman Calls Police On Statue Of Martin Luther King Jr. https://www.theonion.com/ Cell phone footage of the incident has gone viral on social media, but many are now asking if the statue of Dr. King actually did anything wrong. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Tue, 09 Jun 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Panicked White Woman Calls Police On Statue Of Martin Luther King Jr. full 1 90 The Onion Cell phone footage of the incident has gone viral on social media, but many are now asking if the statue of Dr. King actually did anything wrong. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Cell phone footage of the incident has gone viral on social media, but many are now asking if the statue of Dr. King actually did anything wrong.

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]]> 414 New LinkedIn Feature Lets Job-Seekers Add Most Humiliating Things They Willing To Endure https://www.theonion.com/ It’s tough competition for those out there seeking employment. We’ve got the latest on how you can use the new feature to make yourself seem weak and easy to manipulate so you can finally land that dream job you so desperately crave. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Mon, 08 Jun 2020 09:00:00 -0000 New LinkedIn Feature Lets Job-Seekers Add Most Humiliating Things They Willing To Endure full 1 89 The Onion It’s tough competition for those out there seeking employment. We’ve got the latest on how you can use the new feature to make yourself seem weak and easy to manipulate so you can finally land that dream job you so desperately crave. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices It’s tough competition for those out there seeking employment. We’ve got the latest on how you can use the new feature to make yourself seem weak and easy to manipulate so you can finally land that dream job you so desperately crave.

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]]> 541 Health Experts Warn Protests Could Set Off Second Wave Of Police Brutality https://www.theonion.com/ Top U.S. health officials are worried the massive in-person demonstrations could be a fertile breeding ground for excessive force that may stretch the nation’s healthcare system to its limits.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Fri, 05 Jun 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Health Experts Warn Protests Could Set Off Second Wave Of Police Brutality full 1 88 The Onion Top U.S. health officials are worried the massive in-person demonstrations could be a fertile breeding ground for excessive force that may stretch the nation’s healthcare system to its limits.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Top U.S. health officials are worried the massive in-person demonstrations could be a fertile breeding ground for excessive force that may stretch the nation’s healthcare system to its limits. 



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]]> 442 Mental Health Experts Recommend Bed Only Be Used For Shooting Amateur Pornography https://www.theonion.com/ Many Americans are guilty of working, eating, and browsing the internet in bed from time to time, but those bad habits could be hurting your chances of getting in a good night of DIY adult filmmaking. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Thu, 04 Jun 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Mental Health Experts Recommend Bed Only Be Used For Shooting Amateur Pornography full 1 87 The Onion Many Americans are guilty of working, eating, and browsing the internet in bed from time to time, but those bad habits could be hurting your chances of getting in a good night of DIY adult filmmaking. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Many Americans are guilty of working, eating, and browsing the internet in bed from time to time, but those bad habits could be hurting your chances of getting in a good night of DIY adult filmmaking.

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]]> 416 Botanists Concerned By What Returning To Work Will Do To Nation’s House Plants https://www.theonion.com/ Many botanists across the country are worried the sudden change in routine could send house plants into an emotional spiral, and even lead some to lash out at their owners. Hear how you can help ease your plant back into normalcy. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Wed, 03 Jun 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Botanists Concerned By What Returning To Work Will Do To Nation’s House Plants full 1 86 The Onion Many botanists across the country are worried the sudden change in routine could send house plants into an emotional spiral, and even lead some to lash out at their owners. Hear how you can help ease your plant back into normalcy. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Many botanists across the country are worried the sudden change in routine could send house plants into an emotional spiral, and even lead some to lash out at their owners. Hear how you can help ease your plant back into normalcy.



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]]> 509 Study: Dolphins Not So Intelligent On Land https://www.theonion.com/ Scientists are constantly clamoring on about the mammal’s complex language and problem-solving ability, but according to a new study from the University of Florida, flapping around on the ground isn’t much to brag about for these supposedly smart marine creatures. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Tue, 02 Jun 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Study: Dolphins Not So Intelligent On Land full 1 85 The Onion Scientists are constantly clamoring on about the mammal’s complex language and problem-solving ability, but according to a new study from the University of Florida, flapping around on the ground isn’t much to brag about for these supposedly smart marine creatures. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Scientists are constantly clamoring on about the mammal’s complex language and problem-solving ability, but according to a new study from the University of Florida, flapping around on the ground isn’t much to brag about for these supposedly smart marine creatures.



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]]> 513 Florida Governor Deploys National Guard To Force Residents Back Into Malls, Movie Theaters https://www.theonion.com/ State officials are taking these drastic measures after millions of Florida residents continued to ignore government instructions to get back out there and save the economy. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Mon, 01 Jun 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Florida Governor Deploys National Guard To Force Residents Back Into Malls, Movie Theaters full 1 84 The Onion State officials are taking these drastic measures after millions of Florida residents continued to ignore government instructions to get back out there and save the economy. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices State officials are taking these drastic measures after millions of Florida residents continued to ignore government instructions to get back out there and save the economy.

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]]> 467 NASA Curious How Folks Would Feel If They Hypothetically Already Launched A Manned Mars Mission That Didn’t Go So Hot https://www.theonion.com/ All conjecture, of course. Plus, top U.S. health officials announce a coronavirus vaccine is imminent, and would have actually been available weeks ago if people weren’t so hung up on being made sterile by it. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Fri, 29 May 2020 09:00:00 -0000 NASA Curious How Folks Would Feel If They Hypothetically Already Launched A Manned Mars Mission That Didn’t Go So Hot full 1 83 The Onion All conjecture, of course. Plus, top U.S. health officials announce a coronavirus vaccine is imminent, and would have actually been available weeks ago if people weren’t so hung up on being made sterile by it. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices All conjecture, of course. Plus, top U.S. health officials announce a coronavirus vaccine is imminent, and would have actually been available weeks ago if people weren’t so hung up on being made sterile by it.



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]]> 505 Authorities Receive List Of Demands From Increasingly Hostile Coronavirus https://www.theonion.com/ Destruction of PPE. Free rein in nursing homes. Mass disposal of all hand sanitizer. These are just a small portion of the demands issued today by the coronavirus that must be fulfilled within the next 24 hours, or else. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Thu, 28 May 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Authorities Receive List Of Demands From Increasingly Hostile Coronavirus full 1 82 The Onion Destruction of PPE. Free rein in nursing homes. Mass disposal of all hand sanitizer. These are just a small portion of the demands issued today by the coronavirus that must be fulfilled within the next 24 hours, or else. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Destruction of PPE. Free rein in nursing homes. Mass disposal of all hand sanitizer. These are just a small portion of the demands issued today by the coronavirus that must be fulfilled within the next 24 hours, or else.



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]]> 421 What Are ‘Coronavirus Parties,’ And Why Weren’t We Invited? https://www.theonion.com/ More cases of Covid-19 are being traced back to the irresponsible trend of ‘corona parties,’ leaving our reporter Kenneth Neeley to wonder why he hasn’t been invited to one yet even though he’s great at parties. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Wed, 27 May 2020 09:00:00 -0000 What Are ‘Coronavirus Parties,’ And Why Weren’t We Invited? full 1 81 The Onion More cases of Covid-19 are being traced back to the irresponsible trend of ‘corona parties,’ leaving our reporter Kenneth Neeley to wonder why he hasn’t been invited to one yet even though he’s great at parties. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices More cases of Covid-19 are being traced back to the irresponsible trend of ‘corona parties,’ leaving our reporter Kenneth Neeley to wonder why he hasn’t been invited to one yet even though he’s great at parties.



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]]> 547 Heavenly Sources Confirm Jesus Christ Will Transfer To Iowa State University After Getting Grades Up https://www.theonion.com/ The once-academically troubled son of God was finally able to get his GPA up during this past semester at Western Iowa Tech Community College. We’ve got the latest on the next chapter of the messiah’s ongoing education. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Tue, 26 May 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Heavenly Sources Confirm Jesus Christ Will Transfer To Iowa State University After Getting Grades Up full 1 80 The Onion The once-academically troubled son of God was finally able to get his GPA up during this past semester at Western Iowa Tech Community College. We’ve got the latest on the next chapter of the messiah’s ongoing education. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices The once-academically troubled son of God was finally able to get his GPA up during this past semester at Western Iowa Tech Community College. We’ve got the latest on the next chapter of the messiah’s ongoing education.

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]]> 500 Military Announces $2 Million Research Initiative To Find Out How Mother Of 3 Kathy Summers Able To Do It All https://www.theonion.com/ Department of Defense officials believe the mother’s impressive ability to care for her three energetic children and husband Landon while still carving out enough me-time to keep from pulling her hair out could have countless applications in the U.S. army. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Mon, 25 May 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Military Announces $2 Million Research Initiative To Find Out How Mother Of 3 Kathy Summers Able To Do It All full 1 79 The Onion Department of Defense officials believe the mother’s impressive ability to care for her three energetic children and husband Landon while still carving out enough me-time to keep from pulling her hair out could have countless applications in the U.S. army. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Department of Defense officials believe the mother’s impressive ability to care for her three energetic children and husband Landon while still carving out enough me-time to keep from pulling her hair out could have countless applications in the U.S. army.




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]]> 377 Quarantine Leading To More People Taking In Foster Gimps https://www.theonion.com/ In these trying times where social isolation is the norm, companionship has become a top priority for many Americans. Which is why it’s no surprise more rescue subs than ever before are now finding their forever dungeon.   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Fri, 22 May 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Quarantine Leading To More People Taking In Foster Gimps full 1 78 The Onion In these trying times where social isolation is the norm, companionship has become a top priority for many Americans. Which is why it’s no surprise more rescue subs than ever before are now finding their forever dungeon.   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices In these trying times where social isolation is the norm, companionship has become a top priority for many Americans. Which is why it’s no surprise more rescue subs than ever before are now finding their forever dungeon.  


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]]> 559 Benadryl Introduces New Controlled Coma Pills To Sedate Users For Entirety Of Allergy Season https://www.theonion.com/ Following today’s FDA approval for over-the-counter use, Benadryl’s new Sedate Plus could soon be alleviating your symptoms by forcing you into a deep state of unconsciousness for six months of allergy season. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Thu, 21 May 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Benadryl Introduces New Controlled Coma Pills To Sedate Users For Entirety Of Allergy Season full 1 77 The Onion Following today’s FDA approval for over-the-counter use, Benadryl’s new Sedate Plus could soon be alleviating your symptoms by forcing you into a deep state of unconsciousness for six months of allergy season. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Following today’s FDA approval for over-the-counter use, Benadryl’s new Sedate Plus could soon be alleviating your symptoms by forcing you into a deep state of unconsciousness for six months of allergy season.

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]]> 380 U.S. To Combat Growing Disillusionment By Playing New National Pump-Up Anthem Throughout Country https://www.theonion.com/ The growing coronavirus death toll paired with weeks of social isolation is damaging the nation’s morale, but that all might be about to change. Hear how the U.S. plans to combat our collective sense of dread by blaring a brand-new national pump-up anthem at full volume across the country. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Wed, 20 May 2020 09:00:00 -0000 U.S. To Combat Growing Disillusionment By Playing New National Pump-Up Anthem Throughout Country full 1 76 The Onion The growing coronavirus death toll paired with weeks of social isolation is damaging the nation’s morale, but that all might be about to change. Hear how the U.S. plans to combat our collective sense of dread by blaring a brand-new national pump-up anthem at full volume across the country. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices The growing coronavirus death toll paired with weeks of social isolation is damaging the nation’s morale, but that all might be about to change. Hear how the U.S. plans to combat our collective sense of dread by blaring a brand-new national pump-up anthem at full volume across the country.



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]]> 428 Americans React With Indifference After First Case Of Coronavirus Spreading To Pet Ferret https://www.theonion.com/ The coronavirus is claiming new victims today as the CDC announced the first confirmed case of Covid-19 in a ferret. Hear just how little of a shit American’s could give about the new discovery. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Tue, 19 May 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Americans React With Indifference After First Case Of Coronavirus Spreading To Pet Ferret full 1 75 The Onion The coronavirus is claiming new victims today as the CDC announced the first confirmed case of Covid-19 in a ferret. Hear just how little of a shit American’s could give about the new discovery. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices The coronavirus is claiming new victims today as the CDC announced the first confirmed case of Covid-19 in a ferret. Hear just how little of a shit American’s could give about the new discovery.



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]]> 457 Investigation Reveals Coronavirus Covering Its Tracks By Making Victims’ Deaths Look Like Car Accidents https://www.theonion.com/ An alarming investigation reveals the coronavirus may have been claiming victims in the United States even earlier than previously thought. Hear how Covid-19 has been covering its tracks by cutting people’s brake lines as far back as January.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Mon, 18 May 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Investigation Reveals Coronavirus Covering Its Tracks By Making Victims’ Deaths Look Like Car Accidents full 1 74 The Onion An alarming investigation reveals the coronavirus may have been claiming victims in the United States even earlier than previously thought. Hear how Covid-19 has been covering its tracks by cutting people’s brake lines as far back as January.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices An alarming investigation reveals the coronavirus may have been claiming victims in the United States even earlier than previously thought. Hear how Covid-19 has been covering its tracks by cutting people’s brake lines as far back as January. 



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]]> 478 Democrats Praise Joe Biden For Being Only Candidate Able To Talk Down To Americans Like The Stupid, Slack-Jawed Dumdums They Really Are https://www.theonion.com/ He’s the man Democrats have chosen to take on Trump in November, but just what was Joe Biden’s secret to winning the nomination? Hear how the former vice president was able to unite party support by treating voters like a bunch of know-nothing shit-for-brains.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Fri, 15 May 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Democrats Praise Joe Biden For Being Only Candidate Able To Talk Down To Americans Like The Stupid, Slack-Jawed Dumdums They Really Are full 1 73 The Onion He’s the man Democrats have chosen to take on Trump in November, but just what was Joe Biden’s secret to winning the nomination? Hear how the former vice president was able to unite party support by treating voters like a bunch of know-nothing shit-for-brains.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices He’s the man Democrats have chosen to take on Trump in November, but just what was Joe Biden’s secret to winning the nomination? Hear how the former vice president was able to unite party support by treating voters like a bunch of know-nothing shit-for-brains. 

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]]> 513 New Windex Formula Promises To Kill Twice As Many Birds https://www.theonion.com/ The popular glass cleaner has a new formula out, and thanks to the inclusion of bait and bird seed, it may be Windex’s most efficient bird killer to date. Hear just how many long-beaked sons of bitches we were able to take out with the stuff.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Thu, 14 May 2020 09:00:00 -0000 New Windex Formula Promises To Kill Twice As Many Birds full The Onion The popular glass cleaner has a new formula out, and thanks to the inclusion of bait and bird seed, it may be Windex’s most efficient bird killer to date. Hear just how many long-beaked sons of bitches we were able to take out with the stuff.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices The popular glass cleaner has a new formula out, and thanks to the inclusion of bait and bird seed, it may be Windex’s most efficient bird killer to date. Hear just how many long-beaked sons of bitches we were able to take out with the stuff. 




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]]> 464 Damning Report Finds White House Ignored Skeletal Horsemen Galloping Through Sky As Early As January https://www.theonion.com/ Did the White House act soon enough? That’s the question being asked today after this report revealed the Trump administration may have been ignoring tell-tale apocalyptic signs since the beginning of the year.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Wed, 13 May 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Damning Report Finds White House Ignored Skeletal Horsemen Galloping Through Sky As Early As January full 1 71 The Onion Did the White House act soon enough? That’s the question being asked today after this report revealed the Trump administration may have been ignoring tell-tale apocalyptic signs since the beginning of the year.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Did the White House act soon enough? That’s the question being asked today after this report revealed the Trump administration may have been ignoring tell-tale apocalyptic signs since the beginning of the year. 



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]]> 479 Health Experts Say Coronavirus Originated In Promiscuous Bat Who Slept Around A Lot https://www.theonion.com/ Like, a lot a lot. We’ve got the latest on the complex contact tracing that has lead scientist to conclude Covid-19 may have started with this bat who was fucking anything it could find.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Tue, 12 May 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Health Experts Say Coronavirus Originated In Promiscuous Bat Who Slept Around A Lot full 1 70 The Onion Like, a lot a lot. We’ve got the latest on the complex contact tracing that has lead scientist to conclude Covid-19 may have started with this bat who was fucking anything it could find.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Like, a lot a lot. We’ve got the latest on the complex contact tracing that has lead scientist to conclude Covid-19 may have started with this bat who was fucking anything it could find. 



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]]> 414 Health Officials Warn Mysterious Voice Calling For People To Come Out And Play In Middle Of Night Could Be Coronavirus https://www.theonion.com/ Social distancing restrictions may be loosening around the country, but health officials are warning we may not be completely out of the woods yet. We’ve got everything you need to know about that ethereal voice outside your window humming in the moonlight. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Mon, 11 May 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Health Officials Warn Mysterious Voice Calling For People To Come Out And Play In Middle Of Night Could Be Coronavirus full 1 69 The Onion Social distancing restrictions may be loosening around the country, but health officials are warning we may not be completely out of the woods yet. We’ve got everything you need to know about that ethereal voice outside your window humming in the moonlight. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Social distancing restrictions may be loosening around the country, but health officials are warning we may not be completely out of the woods yet. We’ve got everything you need to know about that ethereal voice outside your window humming in the moonlight.




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]]> 431 Study Finds It Statistically Impossible That Your Mom The Best Mom In The World https://www.theonion.com/ Of the thousands of mothers observed across the country, researchers found that even though you may think she’s the best in the whole wide world, your mom is actually far, far from it, and most likely at or below average at best.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Fri, 08 May 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Study Finds It Statistically Impossible That Your Mom The Best Mom In The World full 1 68 The Onion Of the thousands of mothers observed across the country, researchers found that even though you may think she’s the best in the whole wide world, your mom is actually far, far from it, and most likely at or below average at best.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Of the thousands of mothers observed across the country, researchers found that even though you may think she’s the best in the whole wide world, your mom is actually far, far from it, and most likely at or below average at best. 

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]]> 486 Quiet City Streets Allow Neighborhood Residents To Hear The Natural Sounds Of Couples’ Blow-Out Fights https://www.theonion.com/ With the hustle and bustle of everyday life, it’s easy to forget they’re there. But, as the coronavirus pandemic brings society to a screeching halt, the beautiful sounds of the natural world have begun to reemerge. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Thu, 07 May 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Quiet City Streets Allow Neighborhood Residents To Hear The Natural Sounds Of Couples’ Blow-Out Fights full 1 67 The Onion With the hustle and bustle of everyday life, it’s easy to forget they’re there. But, as the coronavirus pandemic brings society to a screeching halt, the beautiful sounds of the natural world have begun to reemerge. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices With the hustle and bustle of everyday life, it’s easy to forget they’re there. But, as the coronavirus pandemic brings society to a screeching halt, the beautiful sounds of the natural world have begun to reemerge.

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]]> 468 Boston Market CEO Forgoes Annual 2-Million-Gallon Gravy Bonus To Help Pay Unemployed Workers https://www.theonion.com/ In an incredible showing of generosity, Boston Market CEO Eric Wyatt announced that he will be forgoing his annual bonus of warm, thick gravy in an effort to help support the company’s furloughed workers. Hear how Boston Market employees are thanking their heroic CEO. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Wed, 06 May 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Boston Market CEO Forgoes Annual 2-Million-Gallon Gravy Bonus To Help Pay Unemployed Workers full 1 66 The Onion In an incredible showing of generosity, Boston Market CEO Eric Wyatt announced that he will be forgoing his annual bonus of warm, thick gravy in an effort to help support the company’s furloughed workers. Hear how Boston Market employees are thanking their heroic CEO. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices In an incredible showing of generosity, Boston Market CEO Eric Wyatt announced that he will be forgoing his annual bonus of warm, thick gravy in an effort to help support the company’s furloughed workers. Hear how Boston Market employees are thanking their heroic CEO.




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]]> 438 Best At-Home Workouts To Do When Your Head Is Stuck In The Banister https://www.theonion.com/ Being caught in the stairs is no excuse to forgo your daily cardio! We’ll walk you through a great workout you can do at home that will take your mind off the fact that your head’s been stuck between two wooden rails for the last three hours and you might die that way. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Tue, 05 May 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Best At-Home Workouts To Do When Your Head Is Stuck In The Banister full 1 65 The Onion Being caught in the stairs is no excuse to forgo your daily cardio! We’ll walk you through a great workout you can do at home that will take your mind off the fact that your head’s been stuck between two wooden rails for the last three hours and you might die that way. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Being caught in the stairs is no excuse to forgo your daily cardio! We’ll walk you through a great workout you can do at home that will take your mind off the fact that your head’s been stuck between two wooden rails for the last three hours and you might die that way.


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]]> 496 The Topical Wins A Pulitzer https://www.theonion.com/ It’s the highest award one can receive for achievements in journalistic excellence. Host Leslie Price accepts the prize with grace and poise as he showcases some of the show’s finest work. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Mon, 04 May 2020 09:00:00 -0000 The Topical Wins A Pulitzer full 1 64 The Onion It’s the highest award one can receive for achievements in journalistic excellence. Host Leslie Price accepts the prize with grace and poise as he showcases some of the show’s finest work. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices It’s the highest award one can receive for achievements in journalistic excellence. Host Leslie Price accepts the prize with grace and poise as he showcases some of the show’s finest work.


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]]> 862 Struggling United States Purchased By Private Equity Firm https://www.theonion.com/ The U.S. may have some big changes coming its way after being acquired by Prospect Capital Partners. Hear what this could mean for the newly renamed United50’s future, assuming it has one. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Fri, 01 May 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Struggling United States Purchased By Private Equity Firm full 1 63 The Onion The U.S. may have some big changes coming its way after being acquired by Prospect Capital Partners. Hear what this could mean for the newly renamed United50’s future, assuming it has one. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices The U.S. may have some big changes coming its way after being acquired by Prospect Capital Partners. Hear what this could mean for the newly renamed United50’s future, assuming it has one.

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]]> 471 This Woman Was Isolated In Her Nursing Home, So Her Grandchildren Stood Outside With Signs To Ask Her For Money https://www.theonion.com/ When COVID-19 struck, 17 year-old Syndney Powell was worried she might never get to take cash from her grandma again, so she decided to do something special. And now, she’s inspiring grandchildren all over the country to do the same. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Thu, 30 Apr 2020 09:00:00 -0000 This Woman Was Isolated In Her Nursing Home, So Her Grandchildren Stood Outside With Signs To Ask Her For Money full 1 62 The Onion When COVID-19 struck, 17 year-old Syndney Powell was worried she might never get to take cash from her grandma again, so she decided to do something special. And now, she’s inspiring grandchildren all over the country to do the same. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices When COVID-19 struck, 17 year-old Syndney Powell was worried she might never get to take cash from her grandma again, so she decided to do something special. And now, she’s inspiring grandchildren all over the country to do the same.

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]]> 510 Thousands Of Stockpiled Ventilators Sent To New York Hospitals Turn Out To Be Claw Machines https://www.theonion.com/ And really hard ones, too. Hear how the latest blunder by the federal government is frustrating doctors and state officials. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Wed, 29 Apr 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Thousands Of Stockpiled Ventilators Sent To New York Hospitals Turn Out To Be Claw Machines full 1 61 The Onion And really hard ones, too. Hear how the latest blunder by the federal government is frustrating doctors and state officials. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices And really hard ones, too. Hear how the latest blunder by the federal government is frustrating doctors and state officials.

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]]> 467 Walgreens Introduces New Dumbass-Only Shopping Hours For Dipshits Who Don’t Know How To Stay 6 Feet Away https://www.theonion.com/ More American retailers are doing their part to help protect our most vulnerable populations. Hear how Walgreens stores nationwide will now be open from 7 a.m. to 9 a.m. exclusively for brain-dead morons who have no fucking clue how to maintain a safe distance from their fellow shoppers. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Tue, 28 Apr 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Walgreens Introduces New Dumbass-Only Shopping Hours For Dipshits Who Don’t Know How To Stay 6 Feet Away full 1 60 The Onion More American retailers are doing their part to help protect our most vulnerable populations. Hear how Walgreens stores nationwide will now be open from 7 a.m. to 9 a.m. exclusively for brain-dead morons who have no fucking clue how to maintain a safe distance from their fellow shoppers. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices More American retailers are doing their part to help protect our most vulnerable populations. Hear how Walgreens stores nationwide will now be open from 7 a.m. to 9 a.m. exclusively for brain-dead morons who have no fucking clue how to maintain a safe distance from their fellow shoppers.



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]]> 366 TheOnion.com Has Been Designated As A Pandemic Shelter In The Event That Covid-19 Could Spread Through The Internet https://www.theonion.com/ Hear how visiting the website of America’s Finest News Source could prevent you from contracting the coronavirus. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Mon, 27 Apr 2020 09:00:00 -0000 TheOnion.com Has Been Designated As A Pandemic Shelter In The Event That Covid-19 Could Spread Through The Internet full 1 59 The Onion Hear how visiting the website of America’s Finest News Source could prevent you from contracting the coronavirus. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear how visiting the website of America’s Finest News Source could prevent you from contracting the

coronavirus.

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]]> 446 Nation Ashamed To Admit They Would Probably Look Up John Goodman’s Nudes If They Leaked https://www.theonion.com/ With social distancing in full effect, a new poll finds that millions of Americans are spending more time contemplating what John Goodman’s nude body looks like. Hear how people are dealing with the lingering questions over whether they’ll ever truly know of the contours of the A-list actor’s flesh. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Fri, 24 Apr 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Nation Ashamed To Admit They Would Probably Look Up John Goodman’s Nudes If They Leaked full 1 58 The Onion With social distancing in full effect, a new poll finds that millions of Americans are spending more time contemplating what John Goodman’s nude body looks like. Hear how people are dealing with the lingering questions over whether they’ll ever truly know of the contours of the A-list actor’s flesh. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices With social distancing in full effect, a new poll finds that millions of Americans are spending more time contemplating what John Goodman’s nude body looks like. Hear how people are dealing with the lingering questions over whether they’ll ever truly know of the contours of the A-list actor’s flesh.

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]]> 484 Federal Reserve To Infuse Wall Street With $500 Billion Worth Of Cocaine https://www.theonion.com/ Financial experts are counting on the half-trillion-dollar stimulus to turn the roughly 200,000 men and women on Wall Street into coked-up animals eager to buy any stock in sight well into the morning hours without any break for food or water.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Thu, 23 Apr 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Federal Reserve To Infuse Wall Street With $500 Billion Worth Of Cocaine full 1 57 The Onion Financial experts are counting on the half-trillion-dollar stimulus to turn the roughly 200,000 men and women on Wall Street into coked-up animals eager to buy any stock in sight well into the morning hours without any break for food or water.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Financial experts are counting on the half-trillion-dollar stimulus to turn the roughly 200,000 men and women on Wall Street into coked-up animals eager to buy any stock in sight well into the morning hours without any break for food or water. 



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]]> 462 Psychologists: So-Called ‘Dr. Fauci’ Just A Figment Of Nation’s Collective Imagination https://www.theonion.com/ He’s the man the country has turned to most as a trusted and comforting voice during the coronavirus pandemic. However, the nation’s top psychologists now believe Dr. Anthony Fauci may be nothing more than an imaginary friend Americans have made up to get through this stressful period.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Wed, 22 Apr 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Psychologists: So-Called ‘Dr. Fauci’ Just A Figment Of Nation’s Collective Imagination full 1 56 The Onion He’s the man the country has turned to most as a trusted and comforting voice during the coronavirus pandemic. However, the nation’s top psychologists now believe Dr. Anthony Fauci may be nothing more than an imaginary friend Americans have made up to get through this stressful period.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices He’s the man the country has turned to most as a trusted and comforting voice during the coronavirus pandemic. However, the nation’s top psychologists now believe Dr. Anthony Fauci may be nothing more than an imaginary friend Americans have made up to get through this stressful period. 


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]]> 514 Nation Close To Getting Video Conferencing Software To Work https://www.theonion.com/ Social distancing is changing the way we communicate with one another. Today, hear how more Americans are making an effort to stay connected with loved ones and colleagues through shitty video conferencing software that just won’t fucking work. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Tue, 21 Apr 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Nation Close To Getting Video Conferencing Software To Work full 1 55 The Onion Social distancing is changing the way we communicate with one another. Today, hear how more Americans are making an effort to stay connected with loved ones and colleagues through shitty video conferencing software that just won’t fucking work. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Social distancing is changing the way we communicate with one another. Today, hear how more Americans are making an effort to stay connected with loved ones and colleagues through shitty video conferencing software that just won’t fucking work.

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]]> 425 CDC Urges Nation’s Hotties And Studs Not To Hide That Pretty Little Face Behind A Mask https://www.theonion.com/ The CDC is issuing new guidelines in the fight against Covid-19. Hear why health officials now believe that if you got it, you should flaunt it. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Mon, 20 Apr 2020 09:00:00 -0000 CDC Urges Nation’s Hotties And Studs Not To Hide That Pretty Little Face Behind A Mask full 1 54 The Onion The CDC is issuing new guidelines in the fight against Covid-19. Hear why health officials now believe that if you got it, you should flaunt it. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices The CDC is issuing new guidelines in the fight against Covid-19. Hear why health officials now believe that if you got it, you should flaunt it.

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]]> 424 Ford, General Motors To Begin Manufacturing Car-Sized Ventilators https://www.theonion.com/ The American automotive industry is taking action in the fight against coronavirus, and manufacturers all across the country are pledging to use their factories to produce much-needed ventilators, so long as no one minds that the ventilators will look like and be the same size as cars. OPR has the latest on this heroic undertaking. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Fri, 17 Apr 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Ford, General Motors To Begin Manufacturing Car-Sized Ventilators full 1 53 The Onion The American automotive industry is taking action in the fight against coronavirus, and manufacturers all across the country are pledging to use their factories to produce much-needed ventilators, so long as no one minds that the ventilators will look like and be the same size as cars. OPR has the latest on this heroic undertaking. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices The American automotive industry is taking action in the fight against coronavirus, and manufacturers all across the country are pledging to use their factories to produce much-needed ventilators, so long as no one minds that the ventilators will look like and be the same size as cars. OPR has the latest on this heroic undertaking.

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]]> 479 ‘I Congratulate Joe Biden, A Very Decent Man,’ Says Bernie Sanders In Unprovoked Attack On Democratic Party Unity https://www.theonion.com/ The gloves are off. But is former presidential contender Bernie Sanders just a sore loser, or does he really want to see another four years of President Trump? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Thu, 16 Apr 2020 09:00:00 -0000 ‘I Congratulate Joe Biden, A Very Decent Man,’ Says Bernie Sanders In Unprovoked Attack On Democratic Party Unity full 1 52 The Onion The gloves are off. But is former presidential contender Bernie Sanders just a sore loser, or does he really want to see another four years of President Trump? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices The gloves are off. But is former presidential contender Bernie Sanders just a sore loser, or does he really want to see another four years of President Trump?

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]]> 396 Congress Sets Aside $1,200 In Trust For Each American Until They Prove They’re Responsible Enough To Handle It https://www.theonion.com/ It’s a historic stimulus bill that will finally offer some financial relief to those affected by the coronavirus outbreak. But will Americans be able to prove they’re mature enough to spend it responsibly? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Wed, 15 Apr 2020 09:00:00 -0000 Congress Sets Aside $1,200 In Trust For Each American Until They Prove They’re Responsible Enough To Handle It full 1 51 The Onion It’s a historic stimulus bill that will finally offer some financial relief to those affected by the coronavirus outbreak. But will Americans be able to prove they’re mature enough to spend it responsibly? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices It’s a historic stimulus bill that will finally offer some financial relief to those affected by the coronavirus outbreak. But will Americans be able to prove they’re mature enough to spend it responsibly?

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]]> 343 Census Foot Soldiers Swarm Neighborhoods, Kick Down Doors To Tally Household Sizes https://www.theonion.com/ Every 10 years, platoons of armed soldiers from the U.S. Census Bureau burst through doors across the nation and count everyone living inside. Hear how the Bureau accomplishes this astonishing feat. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Tue, 14 Apr 2020 08:00:00 -0000 Census Foot Soldiers Swarm Neighborhoods, Kick Down Doors To Tally Household Sizes full 1 50 The Onion Every 10 years, platoons of armed soldiers from the U.S. Census Bureau burst through doors across the nation and count everyone living inside. Hear how the Bureau accomplishes this astonishing feat. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Every 10 years, platoons of armed soldiers from the U.S. Census Bureau burst through doors across the nation and count everyone living inside. Hear how the Bureau accomplishes this astonishing feat.

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]]> 464 Violently Bored Americans Begin Looting Puzzle Stores https://www.theonion.com/ Lawmakers are finally beginning to take action with a new coronavirus package that will distribute 1,000-piece jigsaw puzzles to all bored families most affected. But will it be enough? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Mon, 13 Apr 2020 08:00:00 -0000 Violently Bored Americans Begin Looting Puzzle Stores full 1 49 The Onion Lawmakers are finally beginning to take action with a new coronavirus package that will distribute 1,000-piece jigsaw puzzles to all bored families most affected. But will it be enough? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Lawmakers are finally beginning to take action with a new coronavirus package that will distribute 1,000-piece jigsaw puzzles to all bored families most affected. But will it be enough?

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]]> 412 European Vacation Dispatch: All Good Things Must Come To An End https://www.theonion.com/ While host Leslie Price wishes his Italian getaway would never end, he simply can’t wait to get back behind the microphone. Join him when he returns on Monday, April 13, for all-new episodes of The Topical every weekday morning! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Fri, 10 Apr 2020 20:00:00 -0000 European Vacation Dispatch: All Good Things Must Come To An End bonus 1 3 The Onion While host Leslie Price wishes his Italian getaway would never end, he simply can’t wait to get back behind the microphone. Join him when he returns on Monday, April 13, for all-new episodes of The Topical every weekday morning! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices While host Leslie Price wishes his Italian getaway would never end, he simply can’t wait to get back behind the microphone. Join him when he returns on Monday, April 13, for all-new episodes of The Topical every weekday morning!

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]]> 104 European Vacation Dispatch: Ciao From The Venetian Riviera! https://www.theonion.com/ Host Leslie Price is on vacation this week, but be sure to join him when he returns on Monday, April 13, for all-new episodes of The Topical every weekday morning! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Wed, 08 Apr 2020 20:00:00 -0000 European Vacation Dispatch: Ciao From The Venetian Riviera! bonus 1 2 The Onion Host Leslie Price is on vacation this week, but be sure to join him when he returns on Monday, April 13, for all-new episodes of The Topical every weekday morning! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Host Leslie Price is on vacation this week, but be sure to join him when he returns on Monday, April 13, for all-new episodes of The Topical every weekday morning!

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]]> 74 European Vacation Dispatch From Leslie Price https://www.theonion.com/ Host Leslie Price is on vacation this week, but be sure to join him when he returns on Monday, April 13, for all-new episodes of The Topical every weekday morning! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Mon, 06 Apr 2020 20:00:00 -0000 European Vacation Dispatch From Leslie Price bonus 1 1 The Onion Host Leslie Price is on vacation this week, but be sure to join him when he returns on Monday, April 13, for all-new episodes of The Topical every weekday morning! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Host Leslie Price is on vacation this week, but be sure to join him when he returns on Monday, April 13, for all-new episodes of The Topical every weekday morning!

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]]> 92 CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN DAY FIVE: The Last Will And Testament Of Topical Host Leslie Price https://www.theonion.com/ After discovering he may have contracted Covid-19 from his yoga swami Derek, Leslie Price reflects on his time on Earth as he prepares for the worst. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Fri, 03 Apr 2020 20:00:00 -0000 CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN DAY FIVE: The Last Will And Testament Of Topical Host Leslie Price full 1 48 The Onion After discovering he may have contracted Covid-19 from his yoga swami Derek, Leslie Price reflects on his time on Earth as he prepares for the worst. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices After discovering he may have contracted Covid-19 from his yoga swami Derek, Leslie Price reflects on his time on Earth as he prepares for the worst.

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]]> 603 CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN DAY FOUR: Host Leslie Price Confronts The Cursed Scratching Within His Walls https://www.theonion.com/ After four days of self-isolation, the walls inside Leslie Price’s apartment begin to speak to him. But are their incessant dronings that of a plagued beast? Or something not of this realm at all? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Thu, 02 Apr 2020 20:00:00 -0000 CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN DAY FOUR: Host Leslie Price Confronts The Cursed Scratching Within His Walls full 1 47 The Onion After four days of self-isolation, the walls inside Leslie Price’s apartment begin to speak to him. But are their incessant dronings that of a plagued beast? Or something not of this realm at all? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices After four days of self-isolation, the walls inside Leslie Price’s apartment begin to speak to him. But are their incessant dronings that of a plagued beast? Or something not of this realm at all?

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]]> 685 CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN DAY THREE: Scientists No Closer To Understanding How Pressing Buzzer Unlocks Apartment Door http://theonion.com/ Even while being quarantined in his home for the past 72 hours, Topical host Leslie Price still finds a way to deliver groundbreaking investigative journalism. In this in-depth OPR report, Price searches for answers to the questions other podcasts are too afraid to ask, like does the buzzing unlock the door? Or is it just a signal that the door is unlocked? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Wed, 01 Apr 2020 20:00:00 -0000 CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN DAY THREE: Scientists No Closer To Understanding How Pressing Buzzer Unlocks Apartment Door full 1 46 The Onion Even while being quarantined in his home for the past 72 hours, Topical host Leslie Price still finds a way to deliver groundbreaking investigative journalism. In this in-depth OPR report, Price searches for answers to the questions other podcasts are too afraid to ask, like does the buzzing unlock the door? Or is it just a signal that the door is unlocked? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Even while being quarantined in his home for the past 72 hours, Topical host Leslie Price still finds a way to deliver groundbreaking investigative journalism. In this in-depth OPR report, Price searches for answers to the questions other podcasts are too afraid to ask, like does the buzzing unlock the door? Or is it just a signal that the door is unlocked?

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]]> 575 CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN DAY TWO: Porn Industry Leaders Announce Immediate Closures Of All Orifices https://www.theonion.com/ Hear how those in and around the rim of the adult film industry will be affected. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Tue, 31 Mar 2020 20:00:00 -0000 CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN DAY TWO: Porn Industry Leaders Announce Immediate Closures Of All Orifices full 1 45 The Onion Hear how those in and around the rim of the adult film industry will be affected. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear how those in and around the rim of the adult film industry will be affected.

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]]> 529 CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN DAY ONE: Jesus Christ Cancels Return To Earth Amid Pandemic https://www.theonion.com/ OPR is sheltering in place and podcasting from home. But that won’t stop host Leslie Price from bringing you all the day’s top stories, including why the Son of God’s triumphant second coming may be suspended indefinitely. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Mon, 30 Mar 2020 20:00:00 -0000 Jesus Christ Cancels Return To Earth Amid Pandemic full 1 44 The Onion OPR is sheltering in place and podcasting from home. But that won’t stop host Leslie Price from bringing you all the day’s top stories, including why the Son of God’s triumphant second coming may be suspended indefinitely. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices OPR is sheltering in place and podcasting from home. But that won’t stop host Leslie Price from bringing you all the day’s top stories, including why the Son of God’s triumphant second coming may be suspended indefinitely.

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]]> 568 Doctors Encourage More Women To Regularly Perform Breast Self-Exams To See If They Need Implants https://www.theonion.com/ It’s a simple procedure you can do at home, and it only takes a few minutes each month. Hear how performing this routine check-up yourself could change your life. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Fri, 27 Mar 2020 20:00:00 -0000 Doctors Encourage More Women To Regularly Perform Breast Self-Exams To See If They Need Implants full 1 43 The Onion It’s a simple procedure you can do at home, and it only takes a few minutes each month. Hear how performing this routine check-up yourself could change your life. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices It’s a simple procedure you can do at home, and it only takes a few minutes each month. Hear how performing this routine check-up yourself could change your life.

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]]> 367 NASA Finds Life Drowned On Mars https://www.theonion.com/ It’s an historic achievement that is being celebrated by the scientific community. Find out what this means for our solar system, and if this could lead to the discovery of more extraterrestrial corpses. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Thu, 26 Mar 2020 20:00:00 -0000 NASA Finds Life Drowned On Mars full 1 42 The Onion It’s an historic achievement that is being celebrated by the scientific community. Find out what this means for our solar system, and if this could lead to the discovery of more extraterrestrial corpses. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices It’s an historic achievement that is being celebrated by the scientific community. Find out what this means for our solar system, and if this could lead to the discovery of more extraterrestrial corpses.

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]]> 332 National Park Service Under Fire For Wasting $40 Million To Pamper A Single, Charming Moose https://www.theonion.com/ His name is Alton, and he’s a 1,200-pound bull moose who’s been described as “charismatic” and “charming” by the NPS. But are their attempts to woo him costing taxpayers millions? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Wed, 25 Mar 2020 20:00:00 -0000 National Park Service Under Fire For Wasting $40 Million To Pamper A Single, Charming Moose full 1 41 The Onion His name is Alton, and he’s a 1,200-pound bull moose who’s been described as “charismatic” and “charming” by the NPS. But are their attempts to woo him costing taxpayers millions? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices His name is Alton, and he’s a 1,200-pound bull moose who’s been described as “charismatic” and “charming” by the NPS. But are their attempts to woo him costing taxpayers millions?

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]]> 372 Russia Pledges To Run Completely Positive Disinformation Campaign In 2020 https://www.theonion.com/ The same Russian internet trolls known for interfering with the 2016 election are taking a step back from the mud-slinging, and are committing themselves to only spreading nice lies this time around. But will it work? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Tue, 24 Mar 2020 20:00:00 -0000 Russia Pledges To Run Completely Positive Disinformation Campaign In 2020 full 1 40 The Onion The same Russian internet trolls known for interfering with the 2016 election are taking a step back from the mud-slinging, and are committing themselves to only spreading nice lies this time around. But will it work? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices The same Russian internet trolls known for interfering with the 2016 election are taking a step back from the mud-slinging, and are committing themselves to only spreading nice lies this time around. But will it work?

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]]> 389 God Possesses Pope Francis’s Body, Spins Head Around In Miraculous Sunday Mass https://www.theonion.com/ The Creator of Heaven and Earth spoke directly to his followers yesterday by forcing Pope Francis to crab walk on the ceiling of St. Peter’s Basilica. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Mon, 23 Mar 2020 20:00:00 -0000 God Possesses Pope Francis’s Body, Spins Head Around In Miraculous Sunday Mass full 1 39 The Onion The Creator of Heaven and Earth spoke directly to his followers yesterday by forcing Pope Francis to crab walk on the ceiling of St. Peter’s Basilica. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices The Creator of Heaven and Earth spoke directly to his followers yesterday by forcing Pope Francis to crab walk on the ceiling of St. Peter’s Basilica.

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]]> 442 NASA Announces They Definitely Just Destroyed An Asteroid https://www.theonion.com/ A really big one, too. Hear how close NASA officials say the Earth was to total annihilation, and why they are the ones to thank for saving us all. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Fri, 20 Mar 2020 20:00:00 -0000 NASA Announces They Definitely Just Destroyed An Asteroid full 1 38 The Onion A really big one, too. Hear how close NASA officials say the Earth was to total annihilation, and why they are the ones to thank for saving us all. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices A really big one, too. Hear how close NASA officials say the Earth was to total annihilation, and why they are the ones to thank for saving us all.



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]]> 781 Dark, Ominous Storm Clouds Atop Mount Money Indicate Recession Could Be Near https://www.theonion.com/ But what do these black, billowing clouds covering the mountain’s foothills mean for your wallet? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Thu, 19 Mar 2020 20:00:00 -0000 Dark, Ominous Storm Clouds Atop Mount Money Indicate Recession Could Be Near full 1 37 The Onion But what do these black, billowing clouds covering the mountain’s foothills mean for your wallet? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices But what do these black, billowing clouds covering the mountain’s foothills mean for your wallet?

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]]> 456 Marina Abramović Stolen In Daring Performance Art Heist https://www.theonion.com/ Hear how thieves were able steal the prized performance artist from the Museum of Modern Art, and what the NYPD is doing to catch them. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Wed, 18 Mar 2020 20:00:00 -0000 Marina Abramović Stolen In Daring Performance Art Heist full 1 36 The Onion Hear how thieves were able steal the prized performance artist from the Museum of Modern Art, and what the NYPD is doing to catch them. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear how thieves were able steal the prized performance artist from the Museum of Modern Art, and what the NYPD is doing to catch them.

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]]> 471 Fiat Recalls More Than 10,000 Cars For Not Looking Small And Weird Enough https://www.theonion.com/ The Italian car manufacturer announced the recall of their new C-SUV, citing issues that range from it not having funny little mirrors to drivers not bumping their head when they get inside. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Tue, 17 Mar 2020 20:00:00 -0000 Fiat Recalls More Than 10,000 Cars For Not Looking Small And Weird Enough full 1 35 The Onion The Italian car manufacturer announced the recall of their new C-SUV, citing issues that range from it not having funny little mirrors to drivers not bumping their head when they get inside. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices The Italian car manufacturer announced the recall of their new C-SUV, citing issues that range from it not having funny little mirrors to drivers not bumping their head when they get inside.

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]]> 333 Outbreaks In Victorian England Confirm Coronavirus Capable Of Spreading Through Time https://www.theonion.com/ The World Health Organization is issuing new warnings today following reports that an 8-year-old chimney sweep in 1860s London has tested positive for Covid-19. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Mon, 16 Mar 2020 20:00:00 -0000 Outbreaks In Victorian England Confirm Coronavirus Capable Of Spreading Through Time full 1 34 The Onion The World Health Organization is issuing new warnings today following reports that an 8-year-old chimney sweep in 1860s London has tested positive for Covid-19. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices The World Health Organization is issuing new warnings today following reports that an 8-year-old chimney sweep in 1860s London has tested positive for Covid-19.

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]]> 537 An Alarming Crime Scene In New England What we now know about the crime scene in Portland, ME that has all the different kinds of cops. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Fri, 13 Mar 2020 20:00:00 -0000 An Alarming Crime Scene In New England full 1 33 The Onion https://www.theonion.com/ What we now know about the crime scene in Portland, ME that has all the different kinds of cops. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices What we now know about the crime scene in Portland, ME that has all the different kinds of cops.

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]]> 420 Green Giant Takes A Stand Against Gun Violence https://www.theonion.com/ The vegetable packaging company Green Giant announced this week that they are rolling out a new program where gun owners can trade in their firearms for green beans. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Thu, 12 Mar 2020 20:00:00 -0000 Green Giant Takes A Stand Against Gun Violence full 1 32 The Onion The vegetable packaging company Green Giant announced this week that they are rolling out a new program where gun owners can trade in their firearms for green beans. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices The vegetable packaging company Green Giant announced this week that they are rolling out a new program where gun owners can trade in their firearms for green beans.

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]]> 452 Son-Of-A-Bitch Mouse Solves Maze Researchers Spent Months Building https://www.theonion.com/ Scientists are calling it perhaps the biggest setback ever in the field of neuroscience. Hear why researchers believe one mouse, who’s a real little bastard, may be to blame. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Wed, 11 Mar 2020 20:00:00 -0000 Son-Of-A-Bitch Mouse Solves Maze Researchers Spent Months Building full 1 31 The Onion Scientists are calling it perhaps the biggest setback ever in the field of neuroscience. Hear why researchers believe one mouse, who’s a real little bastard, may be to blame. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Scientists are calling it perhaps the biggest setback ever in the field of neuroscience. Hear why researchers believe one mouse, who’s a real little bastard, may be to blame.

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]]> 559 Is Bernie Sanders Too Old To Be The Next James Bond? https://www.theonion.com/ A new poll shows the majority of Americans believe the senator’s age could impede him from carrying out the duties of MI6’s most daring spy. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Tue, 10 Mar 2020 20:00:00 -0000 Is Bernie Sanders Too Old To Be The Next James Bond? full 1 30 The Onion A new poll shows the majority of Americans believe the senator’s age could impede him from carrying out the duties of MI6’s most daring spy. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices A new poll shows the majority of Americans believe the senator’s age could impede him from carrying out the duties of MI6’s most daring spy.

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]]> 493 Dow Rallies After It Turns Out Trader Who Jumped Out Window Was Merely Having Marital Problems https://www.theonion.com/ Good news on Wall Street today as the Dow recovers following a big scare. Hear how markets surged after it was revealed the stock trader who jumped out of a high rise window only did it because his wife left him. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Mon, 09 Mar 2020 20:00:00 -0000 Dow Rallies After It Turns Out Trader Who Jumped Out Window Was Merely Having Marital Problems full 1 29 The Onion Good news on Wall Street today as the Dow recovers following a big scare. Hear how markets surged after it was revealed the stock trader who jumped out of a high rise window only did it because his wife left him. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Good news on Wall Street today as the Dow recovers following a big scare. Hear how markets surged after it was revealed the stock trader who jumped out of a high rise window only did it because his wife left him.

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]]> 497 FAA Restricts Passenger Jets To Flying No More Than 15 Feet Above Ground https://www.theonion.com/ New FAA regulations announced today are looking to make the skies a little safer. But can anything truly save us from those giant metal death traps hurling through the air? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Fri, 06 Mar 2020 21:00:00 -0000 FAA Restricts Passenger Jets To Flying No More Than 15 Feet Above Ground full 1 28 The Onion New FAA regulations announced today are looking to make the skies a little safer. But can anything truly save us from those giant metal death traps hurling through the air? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices New FAA regulations announced today are looking to make the skies a little safer. But can anything truly save us from those giant metal death traps hurling through the air?

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]]> 472 CDC Warns Public Of Mutating Coronavirus https://www.theonion.com/ New data show that the virus Covid-19 has become so advanced that it could now mutate into anything or anyone, even someone you trust. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Thu, 05 Mar 2020 21:00:00 -0000 CDC Warns Public Of Mutating Coronavirus full 1 27 The Onion New data show that the virus Covid-19 has become so advanced that it could now mutate into anything or anyone, even someone you trust. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices New data show that the virus Covid-19 has become so advanced that it could now mutate into anything or anyone, even someone you trust.

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]]> 548 Catholic Leaders Transfer Most Alluring Children To Another Church https://www.theonion.com/ Vatican officials are under fire for what many are calling their ineffectual, soft-handed response to charges of mass sexual abuse within the Catholic church. Will transferring the most alluring Catholic children to another church be enough?  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Wed, 04 Mar 2020 21:00:00 -0000 Catholic Leaders Transfer Most Alluring Children To Another Church full 1 26 The Onion Vatican officials are under fire for what many are calling their ineffectual, soft-handed response to charges of mass sexual abuse within the Catholic church. Will transferring the most alluring Catholic children to another church be enough?  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Vatican officials are under fire for what many are calling their ineffectual, soft-handed response to charges of mass sexual abuse within the Catholic church. Will transferring the most alluring Catholic children to another church be enough? 

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]]> 436 White House Condemns 2020 Election As Partisan Witch Hunt https://www.theonion.com/ On this Super Tuesday, Democrats in a number of key states are headed to the polls, but Republicans are outraged. Hear why many on the right are calling the 2020 election nothing more than a partisan witch hunt aimed at unseating the president. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Tue, 03 Mar 2020 21:00:00 -0000 White House Condemns 2020 Election As Partisan Witch Hunt full 1 25 The Onion On this Super Tuesday, Democrats in a number of key states are headed to the polls, but Republicans are outraged. Hear why many on the right are calling the 2020 election nothing more than a partisan witch hunt aimed at unseating the president. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices On this Super Tuesday, Democrats in a number of key states are headed to the polls, but Republicans are outraged. Hear why many on the right are calling the 2020 election nothing more than a partisan witch hunt aimed at unseating the president.

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]]> 529 DNC Commits To Younger-Looking Leadership With New Rejuvenating Skincare Routine Democratic leaders hope to bring in fresh, butter-soft, blemish-free appearances to the party with a new $40 million pledge toward rejuvenating skin care products. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Mon, 02 Mar 2020 21:00:00 -0000 DNC Commits To Younger-Looking Leadership With New Rejuvenating Skincare Routine full 1 24 The Onion Democratic leaders hope to bring in fresh, butter-soft, blemish-free appearances to the party with a new $40 million pledge toward rejuvenating skin care products. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Democratic leaders hope to bring in fresh, butter-soft, blemish-free appearances to the party with a new $40 million pledge toward rejuvenating skin care products.

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]]> 529 Pentagon Awards Oscar Mayer $102 Million Contract For New Military-Grade Hot Dog https://www.theonion.com/ This puppy’s got all the fixins, too. We’re talking mustard, relish, even hot peppers. But will this all-beef dog be the most advanced encased meat on the battlefield or just another classic example of government waste? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Fri, 28 Feb 2020 21:00:00 -0000 Pentagon Awards Oscar Mayer $102 Million Contract For New Military-Grade Hot Dog full 1 23 The Onion This puppy’s got all the fixins, too. We’re talking mustard, relish, even hot peppers. But will this all-beef dog be the most advanced encased meat on the battlefield or just another classic example of government waste? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices This puppy’s got all the fixins, too. We’re talking mustard, relish, even hot peppers. But will this all-beef dog be the most advanced encased meat on the battlefield or just another classic example of government waste?

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

]]> 553 CBS Inks Deal For 30-Episode Bloomberg Ad https://www.theonion.com/ Hear why CBS studio executives are calling the decision to order up a full series of long-form ads from the Bloomberg campaign a “no-brainer.” Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Thu, 27 Feb 2020 21:00:00 -0000 CBS Inks Deal For 30-Episode Bloomberg Ad full 1 22 The Onion Hear why CBS studio executives are calling the decision to order up a full series of long-form ads from the Bloomberg campaign a “no-brainer.” Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hear why CBS studio executives are calling the decision to order up a full series of long-form ads from the Bloomberg campaign a “no-brainer.”

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]]> 539 CDC Warns Against Potential Health Risks Of Flavored Gun Barrels https://www.theonion.com/ It’s the hottest new trend among our nation’s teens, but could it be deadly? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Wed, 26 Feb 2020 21:00:00 -0000 CDC Warns Against Potential Health Risks Of Flavored Gun Barrels full 1 21 The Onion It’s the hottest new trend among our nation’s teens, but could it be deadly? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices It’s the hottest new trend among our nation’s teens, but could it be deadly?

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]]> 532 Yosemite On Lockdown After Bear Spotted In Park https://www.theonion.com/ The National Park Service announced that Yosemite National Park will be closed indefinitely after startled witnesses reportedly spotted a bear on the grounds. A really big bear, too. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Tue, 25 Feb 2020 21:00:00 -0000 Yosemite On Lockdown After Bear Spotted In Park full 1 20 The Onion The National Park Service announced that Yosemite National Park will be closed indefinitely after startled witnesses reportedly spotted a bear on the grounds. A really big bear, too. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices The National Park Service announced that Yosemite National Park will be closed indefinitely after startled witnesses reportedly spotted a bear on the grounds. A really big bear, too.

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]]> 521 Federal Government Reinstitutes Practice Of Spanking Criminals As Punishment Human rights activists are up in arms after the DOJ announced it would be resuming federal punishments, making it legal to sentence the country’s most naughty felons to a good, hard spanking. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Mon, 24 Feb 2020 21:00:00 -0000 Federal Government Reinstitutes Practice Of Spanking Criminals As Punishment full 1 19 The Onion https://www.theonion.com/ Human rights activists are up in arms after the DOJ announced it would be resuming federal punishments, making it legal to sentence the country’s most naughty felons to a good, hard spanking. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Human rights activists are up in arms after the DOJ announced it would be resuming federal punishments, making it legal to sentence the country’s most naughty felons to a good, hard spanking.

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]]> 439 Anti-Cyberbullying Campaign Encourages Kids To Get Out There And Do It In Person https://www.theonion.com/ It’s the latest attempt to cut down on online abuse among middle and high schoolers. But will it work?  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Fri, 21 Feb 2020 21:00:00 -0000 Anti-Cyberbullying Campaign Encourages Kids To Get Out There And Do It In Person full 1 18 The Onion It’s the latest attempt to cut down on online abuse among middle and high schoolers. But will it work?  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices It’s the latest attempt to cut down on online abuse among middle and high schoolers. But will it work? 

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]]> 646 God In Critical Condition https://www.theonion.com/ The Lord God, Maker of Heaven and Earth, was rushed into emergency surgery after accidentally shooting Himself while cleaning His gun. Hear what doctors have to say about His chances of recovery. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Thu, 20 Feb 2020 21:00:00 -0000 God In Critical Condition full 1 17 The Onion The Lord God, Maker of Heaven and Earth, was rushed into emergency surgery after accidentally shooting Himself while cleaning His gun. Hear what doctors have to say about His chances of recovery. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices The Lord God, Maker of Heaven and Earth, was rushed into emergency surgery after accidentally shooting Himself while cleaning His gun. Hear what doctors have to say about His chances of recovery.

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]]> 464 Australian Officials Touting Bushfire As Huge Success https://www.theonion.com/ Parliament officials in Canberra are celebrating today, touting the success of their new wildfire introduction program that is designed to control the country’s pestering koala population. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Wed, 19 Feb 2020 21:00:00 -0000 Australian Officials Touting Bushfire As Huge Success full 1 16 The Onion Parliament officials in Canberra are celebrating today, touting the success of their new wildfire introduction program that is designed to control the country’s pestering koala population. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Parliament officials in Canberra are celebrating today, touting the success of their new wildfire introduction program that is designed to control the country’s pestering koala population.

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]]> 528 Pope Francis: ‘Nobody Out-Molests The Catholic Church’ https://www.theonion.com/ A major announcement in Vatican City as Pope Francis insists that Catholic priests around the world are not about to be out-molested by some goddamned Boy Scouts. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Tue, 18 Feb 2020 21:00:00 -0000 Pope Francis: ‘Nobody Out-Molests The Catholic Church’ full 1 15 The Onion A major announcement in Vatican City as Pope Francis insists that Catholic priests around the world are not about to be out-molested by some goddamned Boy Scouts. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices A major announcement in Vatican City as Pope Francis insists that Catholic priests around the world are not about to be out-molested by some goddamned Boy Scouts.

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]]> 524 Tyson Foods Orders Trump To Cease And Desist https://www.theonion.com/ The Trump campaign received a cease-and-desist letter this morning from Tyson Foods demanding that the president stop playing their slaughterhouse recordings at his rallies.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Mon, 17 Feb 2020 21:00:00 -0000 Tyson Foods Orders Trump To Cease And Desist full 1 14 The Onion The Trump campaign received a cease-and-desist letter this morning from Tyson Foods demanding that the president stop playing their slaughterhouse recordings at his rallies.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices The Trump campaign received a cease-and-desist letter this morning from Tyson Foods demanding that the president stop playing their slaughterhouse recordings at his rallies. 

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]]> 430 Love Sounds With Martha Saunders: How I Learned To Love Valentine’s Day After A Nude Man In A Diaper Killed My Father With A Bow And Arrow https://www.theonion.com/ On a special Valentine’s Day edition of The Topical, join the host of OPR's Love Sounds, Martha Saunders, as she explores questions about sex, love, and a lot of other topics you would probably prefer to keep private. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Fri, 14 Feb 2020 21:00:00 -0000 Love Sounds With Martha Saunders: How I Learned To Love Valentine’s Day After A Nude Man In A Diaper Killed My Father With A Bow And Arrow full 1 13 The Onion On a special Valentine’s Day edition of The Topical, join the host of OPR's Love Sounds, Martha Saunders, as she explores questions about sex, love, and a lot of other topics you would probably prefer to keep private. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices On a special Valentine’s Day edition of The Topical, join the host of OPR's Love Sounds, Martha Saunders, as she explores questions about sex, love, and a lot of other topics you would probably prefer to keep private.

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]]> 455 Tinder Swipes Right On Big Changes https://www.theonion.com/ The popular dating app Tinder announced today that it will no longer match users exclusively with distant relatives. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Thu, 13 Feb 2020 21:00:00 -0000 Tinder Swipes Right On Big Changes full 1 12 The Onion The popular dating app Tinder announced today that it will no longer match users exclusively with distant relatives. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices The popular dating app Tinder announced today that it will no longer match users exclusively with distant relatives.

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]]> 498 FBI Warns Against American Dream Scam https://www.theonion.com/ It promises prosperity and success in exchange for nothing more than a lifetime of hard work and determination. Hear how authorities suggest people protect themselves from this growing scam.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Wed, 12 Feb 2020 21:00:00 -0000 FBI Warns Against American Dream Scam full 1 11 The Onion It promises prosperity and success in exchange for nothing more than a lifetime of hard work and determination. Hear how authorities suggest people protect themselves from this growing scam.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices It promises prosperity and success in exchange for nothing more than a lifetime of hard work and determination. Hear how authorities suggest people protect themselves from this growing scam. 

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]]> 436 Department Of Evil: ‘All Of You Must Die’ https://www.theonion.com/ The Department of Evil issued a strong and clear message today confirming that every resident of the United States must die. But what does it mean for Americans and their mortality? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Tue, 11 Feb 2020 21:00:00 -0000 Department Of Evil: ‘All Of You Must Die’ full 1 10 The Onion The Department of Evil issued a strong and clear message today confirming that every resident of the United States must die. But what does it mean for Americans and their mortality? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices The Department of Evil issued a strong and clear message today confirming that every resident of the United States must die. But what does it mean for Americans and their mortality?

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]]> 581 Oscars Ceremony Ruined https://www.theonion.com/ Last night’s Academy Awards were marred by what might be the Oscars’ worst gaffe in years. Hear how a leaky pipe in the Dolby Theater almost shut down the ceremony for good, and about the superintendent who stepped in to make it all much worse. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Mon, 10 Feb 2020 21:00:00 -0000 Oscars Ceremony Ruined full 1 9 The Onion Last night’s Academy Awards were marred by what might be the Oscars’ worst gaffe in years. Hear how a leaky pipe in the Dolby Theater almost shut down the ceremony for good, and about the superintendent who stepped in to make it all much worse. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Last night’s Academy Awards were marred by what might be the Oscars’ worst gaffe in years. Hear how a leaky pipe in the Dolby Theater almost shut down the ceremony for good, and about the superintendent who stepped in to make it all much worse.

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]]> 657 A Shocking Scene Of Rebellion Onlookers were stunned in Lansing, MI after witnessing a rebellious young man who had the audacity to dye his hair blue.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Fri, 07 Feb 2020 21:00:00 -0000 A Shocking Scene Of Rebellion full 1 8 The Onion Onlookers were stunned in Lansing, MI after witnessing a rebellious young man who had the audacity to dye his hair blue.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Onlookers were stunned in Lansing, MI after witnessing a rebellious young man who had the audacity to dye his hair blue. 

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]]> 391 Who Is The Mike Pence Whistleblower? https://www.theonion.com/ The vice president is under major scrutiny after a White House whistleblower leaked thousands of Mike Pence’s prayers asking God for political favors.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Thu, 06 Feb 2020 21:00:00 -0000 Who Is The Mike Pence Whistleblower? full 1 7 The Onion The vice president is under major scrutiny after a White House whistleblower leaked thousands of Mike Pence’s prayers asking God for political favors.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices The vice president is under major scrutiny after a White House whistleblower leaked thousands of Mike Pence’s prayers asking God for political favors. 

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]]> 578 Tampax CEO Refuses To Resign Amidst Allegations That He Doesn’t Know What A Period Is https://www.theonion.com/ Many within the company are claiming that Tampax CEO Edward Brooks does not know what a period is. Does he know what a period is? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Wed, 05 Feb 2020 21:00:00 -0000 Tampax CEO Refuses To Resign Amidst Allegations That He Doesn’t Know What A Period Is full 1 6 The Onion Many within the company are claiming that Tampax CEO Edward Brooks does not know what a period is. Does he know what a period is? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Many within the company are claiming that Tampax CEO Edward Brooks does not know what a period is. Does he know what a period is?

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]]> 595 The EPA Takes A Stand https://www.theonion.com/ EPA administrator Andrew Wheeler claims carbon emissions are not as dangerous as once thought and attempts to prove so by inhaling directly from the tailpipe of a truck. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Tue, 04 Feb 2020 21:00:00 -0000 The EPA Takes A Stand full 1 5 The Onion EPA administrator Andrew Wheeler claims carbon emissions are not as dangerous as once thought and attempts to prove so by inhaling directly from the tailpipe of a truck. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices EPA administrator Andrew Wheeler claims carbon emissions are not as dangerous as once thought and attempts to prove so by inhaling directly from the tailpipe of a truck.

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]]> 583 A New Democratic Frontrunner Emerges In Iowa https://www.theonion.com/ His name: Galon the Grotesque. Does this 40-foot goblin from the sewer have what it takes to energize the party’s base and win back the White House? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Mon, 03 Feb 2020 21:00:00 -0000 A New Democratic Frontrunner Emerges In Iowa full 1 4 The Onion His name: Galon the Grotesque. Does this 40-foot goblin from the sewer have what it takes to energize the party’s base and win back the White House? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices His name: Galon the Grotesque. Does this 40-foot goblin from the sewer have what it takes to energize the party’s base and win back the White House?

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]]> 544 Walmart Prevents Gun Violence At Walmart https://www.theonion.com/ Under mounting pressure from anti-gun activists, Walmart has announced that all locations will be restricting firearm purchases to customers who promise to use them at one of the retailer’s competitors. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Fri, 31 Jan 2020 21:00:00 -0000 Walmart Prevents Gun Violence At Walmart full 1 3 The Onion Under mounting pressure from anti-gun activists, Walmart has announced that all locations will be restricting firearm purchases to customers who promise to use them at one of the retailer’s competitors. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Under mounting pressure from anti-gun activists, Walmart has announced that all locations will be restricting firearm purchases to customers who promise to use them at one of the retailer’s competitors.

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]]> 479 A Standstill In The Trial Of Harvey Weinstein https://www.theonion.com/ The trial of Harvey Weinstein has been suspended indefinitely after the presiding judge booked a huge role in an upcoming Hollywood blockbuster. Hear how the judge was able to land his big break. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Thu, 30 Jan 2020 21:00:00 -0000 A Standstill In The Trial Of Harvey Weinstein full 1 2 The Onion The trial of Harvey Weinstein has been suspended indefinitely after the presiding judge booked a huge role in an upcoming Hollywood blockbuster. Hear how the judge was able to land his big break. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices The trial of Harvey Weinstein has been suspended indefinitely after the presiding judge booked a huge role in an upcoming Hollywood blockbuster. Hear how the judge was able to land his big break.

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]]> 578 A Coveted Endorsement In Iowa https://www.theonion.com/ The Democratic candidates are in Iowa this week, and they’re all vying for one big endorsement from an especially dreamy high school quarterback named Chad. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Wed, 29 Jan 2020 18:50:00 -0000 A Coveted Endorsement In Iowa full 1 1 The Onion The Democratic candidates are in Iowa this week, and they’re all vying for one big endorsement from an especially dreamy high school quarterback named Chad. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices The Democratic candidates are in Iowa this week, and they’re all vying for one big endorsement from an especially dreamy high school quarterback named Chad.

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]]> 539 yes The Onion Presents The Topical The Topical is the daily podcast from The Onion and Onion Public Radio, and the only podcast brave enough to ask: What if the news had sound effects? Join host Leslie Price each day as he barely scratches the surface of all the day’s top news stories. Journalism isn’t dead. It’s using its last dying breath to beg you to listen to The Topical. New episodes published every weekday by 5 p.m. Eastern time. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Sat, 11 Jan 2020 21:15:00 -0000 The Onion Presents The Topical trailer The Onion The Topical is the daily podcast from The Onion and Onion Public Radio, and the only podcast brave enough to ask: What if the news had sound effects? Join host Leslie Price each day as he barely scratches the surface of all the day’s top news stories. Journalism isn’t dead. It’s using its last dying breath to beg you to listen to The Topical. New episodes published every weekday by 5 p.m. Eastern time. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices The Topical is the daily podcast from The Onion and Onion Public Radio, and the only podcast brave enough to ask: What if the news had sound effects? Join host Leslie Price each day as he barely scratches the surface of all the day’s top news stories. Journalism isn’t dead. It’s using its last dying breath to beg you to listen to The Topical. New episodes published every weekday by 5 p.m. Eastern time.

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]]> 78 yes