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Well, it may have been a bit, but dang it we aren’t continuing the intriguing tale of Lando in jail, Rokur Gepta in monologue, and Klyn Shanga and his motley fighter squadron in space.  Also joining us this week are the worst cop ever, a cop that is Big Bird, and Lob Doluff, recently bereft of his goddamn cool.

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Finally some quality time with Rokur Gepta, who is rapidly shaping up into one of those villains who already knew you were going to do that, which might suck, but let’s face it, his method of torturing his own underlings are funny as hell.  Meanwhile you’re never going to guess what Lando’s doing!  Oh, no you will.  He’s playing cards.

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Next book!  And whoa, this one starts out with the libertarian coming on strong.  Man, how did I not notice this when I read these at 14?

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The poll isn’t over yet, but it’s looking very likely that we’ll just stay right here in the Centrality with young Lando and his cool droid companion for at least one more book, which is just fine by us.  Also, we discuss every little detail of our thoughts and then answer a bunch of questions.  We’re pros!

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Time to bring it home!  We finally discover not only the titular Mindharp of Sharu, but also what it does!  And we confront this book’s big villain… well sort of.  But revelations abound all the same!

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Is this episode big?  Little?  Both!  We’re not sure exactly who’s doing the size changing around here, but everyone is brand new sizes (except Mohs, who instead has liberate’d tutemi ex inferis, apparently(yes I know what it actually means)).  Also we’re inside the pyramids now, so that’s neat!

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We’re stepping up the pace to three chapters.  Today we check in with Lando (tied to a tree, dying) and Vuffi Raa (full of arrows, dying), and then amazingly more stuff happens!  What a concept!

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First, a brief discussion that has a surprising lack of detail available without going to a website: Does the Falcon have a bedroom?  Feels like it should, right?  But here’s Lando sleeping on the floor under the Dejarik table.  Then other stuff happens!  Mohs breaks bad!

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A man with a gun bursts through the door!  And then things get slapstick, confusing, slapstick again, a little weird, maudlin for a second, really really confusing, and finally Jon and Jef fight for like 10 minutes!  What an episode!

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Well heck, the last episode was certainly a bottle episode, never leaving Duttes Mer’s office, but this one is almost a bottle episode too, insofar as it’s set exclusively in a series of bars.  Oh wait, that’s a pun too!  Hooray!  Lando gets started on his surprisingly vague assignment and we learn a little about the locals.

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Bottle episode time!  These two entire chapters never leave the office of one of our two villains.  This time around, we’re going to meet Duttes Mer, the regional governer of the Rafa star system, and his boss, A motherfucking lunatic SORCERER.  That’s right, it’s time to bring in Rokur Gepta, Sorcerer of Tund, from back in the days when everything didn’t have to be force powers.

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Oh my goodness it is a new book, and instead of dealing with Corran Horn for even one more goddamn second, we can finally hang with the cool man with the capes, the Tuxedo Mask of Star Wars, it’s Lando Calrissian!  This book series is very old (1983!) so get ready for a world free of the EU baggage, and a Lando free of owning a mining facility!

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Time for the moment where we ask ourselves what the hell did we just read?  A little bit of final thoughts and a lot of listener questions, plus the big announcement of what we’re gonna do next!

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And the rocket ride comes to a sudden stop.  And was Jef right last week? No!  Jef was only about 1/5th right!  Oh well, I guess those aren’t just the Yavin students, but what are they then?  Surely no one would wait til the last 8 pages of a novel to introduce a HUGE new element of the Star Wars world, would they?

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As the title may suggest, this is a bit of a Batman set of chapters, as our hero sets about scaring all the pirates off the planet they live on.  For reasons.  I’m sure they make sense.  I assume it somehow has to do with rescuing Mirax in the next… four chapters?  What!?  But for now we’re really focused on using psychic powers to scare pirates.  Here we go.

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Another episode, another few weeks spent in pirate town.  We have the big showdown with Remart, a whole chapter in Horn’s head (shudder) and we meet an exciting new coincidenc-I mean character, Elegos the Camaasi.

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Chapter 36 opens with our new favorite phrase: “Several months later.”  The languid pace of this rescue is wild, right?  Anyway, all three chapters this week concern Corran’s attempts to impress a bunch of pirates.  He hasn’t advanced on the case of his wife yet.  The book has about 12 chapters left.

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Okay, here we go!  We’re done with the Jedi temple, we’re done with Grandpa’s house, time to finally rescue Mirax, all we gotta do is… join up with a pirate crew for at least a month WHAT IS THIS HOW DID THIS HAPPEN.

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Obviously Corran is feeling a little down on himself for spending two and a half months at the Jedi academy instead of just looking for his wife, so the most natural course of action is to go crash at his grandpa’s house for an impromptu family reunion and night on the town!  Okay, fine other stuff is happening too, but that is the main thing that’s happening.

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Ooh lots of ground to cover this week, as get this, Corran Horn is leaving Yavin 4!  With about half of the book left, will we finally start the book?  Also we get to deal with Exar Kun, and meet Booster Terrik!

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The cavalcade of guest stars visiting Fantasy Planet continues, as we are now getting a chance to meet Han (again, remember!?) and Leia, along with the Solo twins, make brief appearances to deal with the Luke being in a coma situation.  Also, we finally meet Exar Kun!  Gotta admit, it is sorta funny watching a straightforward evil tempting ghost deal with our pedantic overexplainer lead.  But hey, you’ll see!

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I can’t help but wonder just exactly how much of this book is Jedi school.  It became increasingly weird to deal with a book about a missing wife, clearly in some form of mortal danger, where the answer was “Take a few college classes and then go look for her.”  Anyway here I am, looking at Kyp and Mara Jade stories just being retold from this puffed-up ex-cop’s overly pedantic perspective.

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I looked at how the book was and realized this first person gimmick was going to wear out its welcome sooner rather than later, even if the book makes it work a little.  I just don’t have that tendency to self-narrate, and also there aren’t any sexy people in my editing space for me to describe at length every time I see them.  For now, we’ll soldier on, as the Exar Kun investigation begins and a round of guests and new students begin to arrive.

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Over and over I’m exposed to characters I’ve heard of, stories I faintly remember, but at each turn I’m confronted with the nagging fact that someone has been inserted into each scene.  It’s Corran Horn, obviously, and as each story from Luke’s temple unfolds, he’s usually nearby, being slightly superior.  How do I go on?  How long til this book gets to the missing wife stuff?  This is a weird plan, I remind myself.

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After a little too much time noodling around on Coruscant, I found myself excited to finally get to the Jedi Factory.  Am I finally going to get connected to the few new recruits we met all the way back in Jedi Search?  Before that, I reminded myself, it’s time to watch Corran Horn just fail again and again to read the room.

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Intrigued, I perused further into the book.  “Nonsense!” I exclaimed!  It’s already chapter 7!  How is he still doodling around on Coruscant receiving praise from all his famous friends?  Surely he must eventually go do something, I reasoned, pressing ever onward.

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I looked to the opening lines of the novel and couldn’t believe my eyes.  A Star Wars novel written in first person?  Reviewing my long years of reading other EU novels, I came to the inevitable conclusion that at least for myself, this was a first.  Could I tolerate living directly between the lobes of this Corran Horn in this way?  I would have to persevere to find out.

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Time to take the long view of this game, also answer some questions AND announce the next book.  And let me tell you right here and now, it’s a doozy.

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The final four chapters!  How does it all end, what with the murder being solved already?   Well obviously by wrapping up the loose ends and setting up the next book.  Messing with the team makeup, setting minor hints, all that good stuff.  Is it good?  Well, here’s an hour on that.

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Well, this generally acceptable (and again, selected entirely off the title) book just succeeded in making us madder than every one of these Star Wars books since The Consent Gun Kidnapping of Princess Leia, and I bet you’re eager to find out why.  Oh also we find out who killed Ves Volette.  You’ll never guess who.

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Laranth vs. Aurra Sing!  In hindsight this is sorta depressingly predictable.  Anyway they have a noir-grade showdown in the midst of a very weird festival, then Jax heads off to Dejah’s to once again be sexually frustrated by a 2003-era clubwear shimmer dress.

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Whoa, two chapters in a row that are a continuous story?  Don’t think we’ve seen that yet!  Anyhoo, the gang is still in “sit around bickering” mode, until Den kickstarts things by getting arrested.  Then it’s time to visit a bunch of fun aliens and… sorta just pretend to be detectives at them.  You’ll see.

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We’re about 2/3rds of the way through the book, and for the first time ever any path that anyone is on seems like it might actually cross one of the other ones at some point (just not in this episode).  So what is going on?  Well, Jax and gang need a few bucks, and Typho information gathers from some colorful species of the Coruscant underworld.

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Den Dhur spends a little time wandering a big space market full of Wookiee Luau and disreputable merchandise, which he hates (Dhur hates everything), Typho adds bureaucrat to his already impressive roster of things that apparently were included with bodyguard training, and Sing finally racks up a win everyone can enjoy.

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Doing things in the wrong chapter order?  Why not?  It’s pandemonium gone wild as Aurra Sing continues to brag and lose, and Jax shows his… questionable side.

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Back in action, just in time for the classic noir event of nursing a crappy drink in a low gin joint.  Den and Laranth finally meet the Cephalon, and everyone’s around to talk lightsabers.  Meanwhile, Typho can’t stop making it weird, Aurra Sing keeps overpromising.

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Oh no, where once there was only intrigue, now there is… MURDER!  Who killed Ves Volette?  Who else is working an angle?  Rhaninn?  Laranth?  Certainly not our dear and trustworthy Den, who wanders the streets each night muttering about how he hates it!  Also Aurra Sing is still hard in monologue mode, we need to get her in front of a protagonist fast before she Xizors out entirely.

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A whole chapter devoted to our secondary antagonist, the legendary Aurra Sing, known for… standing on that one rock in Phantom Menace.  Also I think she’s probably in the cartoons.  But she’s sure dangerous apparently!  Meanwhile, paths begin to converge on Coruscant and Den has a lot of thoughts about the foulness of this city he calls home.

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And the plot… begins.  Both chapters today deal with the psychic fallout of a massive event of destruction and death, so obviously the episode is all jokes.  Very much in setup phase right now, surely these disparate elements will come together soon!

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Whoa, what the heck did we miss?  A lightsaber fight with Xizor and Vader?  Oh well!  We’re diving headlong into the middle of a trilogy set in the aftermath of Order 66, as our detective Jedi hero Jax Pavan and his ragtag gang of gray jedi and hangers on end one adventure and start a new one!
(book photo in German because I’m sick of converting webp images this morning)

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Time for the final episode!  What did we think about the episode?  How many questions do you have for us?  What comes next?  All this and more revealed!

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We made it!  Time for the attack on the mall, the witch fight, the obvious method by which Juliet’s endless story finally reaches some manner of end, all that stuff. Come along for the end of the ride!

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Animal fight!  Harmon and Dean start the long walk to Elizabeth’s house as Sam wanders around a mall for two chapters (which would be 20 seconds in an episode, easy).  Do we check in with Juliet too and nothing really changes?  You bet!

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Holy cow, not only are they finally finding out who the bad guy is, but they even finally said “Witch’s Canyon!”  It’s happening!  Anyway, they walk around, remember their dad, and are antagonized by Harmon Baird, rapidly becoming the best character in the canon of the show.

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We’re back!  Both of us are off various vacations and ready to get through this here Supernatural ghost story.  So what happens?  Well the brothers finally see some action while everything else remains in the sort of vaguely pre-opening credits thing where we meet a character and they die.

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Jon’s out of town but Jef and Claire are making content now?  And holy cow is this ever some content warning content.  Instead of trying to catch up on Witch’s Canyon, Claire provides some classic Supernatural fanfic as a springboard for a rousing discussion on fic, pairings, Wincest (that’s capitalized right) and a lot more.  We won’t blame you if you sit this one out but come on you know you’re not gonna.  Just don’t listen on work speakers.

The Fic in Question:  The Road to Shambala (author: Astolat)

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As tensions rise and the body count increases, the boys finally find an ally that knows anything at all!  Will the not especially mysterious Harmon Baird, survivor of two ghost cycles, be the key the boys need to solve the puzzle once and for all?  And do we have time for the what… seventeenth flashback about their dad?  Of course we do!

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Okay, now the killing has started in earnest.  But the brothers are still busy thinking about hotel keys, gun cleaning, girls, just anything but the haunted town scenario.  Can they get onto the right track?  Can we?  This episode is, to put it politely, shaggy.

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Jon seems fairly confident that this is all right on track, but as far as I can tell this book so far is like a lawnmower that won’t start.  But hey, let’s pull the cord again!

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These chapters are just more tension building, so we went sorta crazy trying to fill the space by ourselves.  Fair warning, I guess.

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There’s trouble down by the old mall!  But first there’s a bunch of flashbacks to Jeffrey Dean Morgan being mean to children, because this is based on season 1 stuff.  Also Juliet is destined to be a major character since she’s back and… well she thinks based on nothing more than timing coincidence that the Winchester boys came to her farm and tore her cows apart by hand.  For at least a second.

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What the hell is this.  Stock photo of first season Ackles and Padalecki, photoshopped into Joshua Tree?  Jon is grabbing the reins and there’s nothing we can do about it now.  Join us on a brand new adventure, as the Winchester Boys encounter a 40-year ghost story in a tiny Arizona town where a new mall is being built.  Will they finally make out?  Yes.  I personally guarantee this is the book where the Winchesters make out.  I’ll guarantee whatever for about 5 bucks.

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Questions, answers, thoughts, prayers, and also the announcement of the next book.  Oh the next book.  Why did I do what I did?

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And just like that it ends, not with a bang, but with a lightsaber twirl and a resounding “meh.”  Not sure what we expected, everyone killable was dead already!  But hey, we visit with Sheev again and you know how much we like that, I suppose.

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Just one more chunk of book left after this!  People are dying at a pace I’d call impressive, but Maul and Eogan are still going strong, now on the lookout for new player Komari Vosa, who Maul needs to kill, or give a nuke to, or both?  Hard to say.

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Great set of chapters if you love pieces being moved around a board, I suppose!  We learn a little about the worm, Sadiki is moving to a retreat stratagem, and Maul, well he’s just doing the sort of stuff he does.  Maul stuff.

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Jabba is making his move!  The collapse becomes ever more dramatic as new players enter with the same speed that old ones are dispatched.  Maul meanwhile is the man in the box.

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The dizzying spiral of decay and chaos that perpetuates the writings of Joe Schreiber continues ever downwards.  Characters are now dying left and right.  We near the end as Maul just stomps around killing people and being dour.  It’s great.

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Well, Maul finally finds his way to the “inner circle” but everyone in there is just commanding everyone else in there to kill everyone else in there, so that’s fun times.  Also Jabba makes the scene!  In the gross flesh!

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Is it me or do these fights get less interesting over time instead of more?  We started with like a Yuuzhan Vong and a monster Wampa and now we’re fighting a Weequay and his shoulder bird?  If I wanna get into fights with shoulder bird guys I’ll just go to any street festival and fight recumbent bike guys until the mid-boss spawns, thanks.  Also Smight survived.

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Time for a bit of the old “surprisingly goopy for Star Wars” violence as gang leaders start tearing guards to bit.  Meanwhile Maul just keeps cleaning up loose ends.  Is this book the original escape room?

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Lots of setup this time, but we do meet an exciting new character.  Or maybe just some nameless bruiser?  Who knows at this point?  It’s like 90% red herrings in this prison by weight.

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The big fights just keep coming, and this time we’re diving into some filth water with Darth Maul (at this point I’d frankly be surprised if there were even one Maul-less match in this book) and discovering yet more secrets about the mysterious Iram Radique.

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Things are about to get cryptic.  Turns out our Chadra-Fan buddy Coyle is some sort of statue-crafting bone mystic, and things are just devolving into riddles and puzzles.  But even as things slow down briefly, there’s promise of a cool battles soon to come!

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The story is in high gear now!  Artagan and his son begin to effect their daring escape but it sure goes wrong!  Also there’s spies all over, so that’s sorta cool.  Who is this Iram Radique, and why is everyone so worried that he keeps making grenades?  Aren’t grenades pretty easy to buy?  Well, we’ll find out!

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One thing about these books, they move along.  The last episode ended with Maul promising to deal with the gangs, this one starts with him doing it.  Then a bunch of other stuff happens too.  Guard intrigue, hacking, and holy crap we leave the prison to see some other characters you might know and love, if only the Jedi would or maybe not, since they are not a story the Jedi would tell you.

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We’re back!  And it’s time for the next big showcase this book has to offer, which is obviously slickly describes scenes of Darth Maul killing gross monsters.  You’ll never guess what it is this time (don’t look at the show title special edition contest).  But there’s more intrigue and behind the scenes action in here too!

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Maul is starting gang fights as we start to meet our colorful and disposable cast of prison fightin’ guys and the weirdos in charge.  Can Maul find Zero?  Well yeah, probably, but there’s 67 chapters in this thing, so it may take a few episodes.

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Okay, here we go.  If this one isn’t exciting I don’t know what will be.  It’s Darth Maul, he’s in a gladiatorial mega-prison, and it’s by the guy who wrote Red Harvest, the zombie book we did a while back.  All the elements are there!

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Several of you had questions, and we answered those questions.  Then we announced that next book, and I gotta admit, I’m pretty excited to head somewhere and some time a little new.  See you in a bit!

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Wrap up time, I’d say we’re super proud of totally predicting this ending if there was much to have predicted.  We cover up the last couple of super short chapters while pining for an exciting new future!

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We’re there!  We made it!  We’re in the titular ruins of Dantooine!  Oh, wait, I guess we’re leaving them immediately.  Why is this book called this?  Anyway, time to meet a few more animals!

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Another chapter, another session of opening up lootboxes on a shuttle.  At least this time we finally make it to Dantooine, even if we don’t see much of the titular ruins thereof.  Time for some kissin’ in the rain and long form animal identification.

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The next thing we knew she was getting sexually excited by guns and manhands in the back of a freighter.  I never thought it would happen to me.  Oh also C-3PO shows up!

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As the dread Captain Nym enters the story, we begin a short but fascinating era where this books is basically based on two video games at once!  Our heroes leave Naboo for the sulfur planet Lok, where the thin veneer of story falls off immediately, leaving only video games and patriarchy.  Truly a desolate place.

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The pieces of this obvious romance novel fall into place as Dusque and Tendau head to the hard zone moon of Rori to do some boots on the ground bio-engineering.  It all goes great until they find a mutant!

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As the book progresses, it begins to dawn on us… oh no, this is self-insert fanfic!  Help!  It’s official but that’s what it is!  We watch as Dusque is pulled from room to room through a casino by a variety of thirsty, thirsty dudes.

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A book set in the world created by an MMO licensed from movies, huh?  Sure, why not?  It’s Ruins of Dantooine, and while I’m sure ruins will turn up at some point, right now it’s time for some framing elements and our first new character, Dusque Mistflier.  Don’t judge, people in Star Wars have to have Fetlife handles too.

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https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/10/expounded-universe-148-its-over.mp3

As is our custom, we wrap up with a brief discussion about what we’ve learned here from this book, then dive into some good old fashioned listener Q&A before announcing the next book (It looks like a good one to me!)  See you in two weeks!

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https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/10/expounded-universe-147-for-she-is-the-qwi-xux-haderach.mp3

Time to wrap this baby up!  And how?  Why obviously with a bunch more descriptions of Admiral Daala’s famous hair!  Also the Sun Crusher, while not yet crushing suns, is finally unleashed to just fly… through stuff.

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https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/09/expounded-universe-146-the-mon-mothman-prophecies.mp3

Just when Han is about to get out the Maw, Luke and Lando are dragging us back in!  Meanwhile, how come Leia doesn’t have a staff?  She apparently has an aide, but not a very good one.  Shouldn’t she have a staff?  Like, a whole office building worth of staff?

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https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/09/expounded-universe-145-xux-to-be-you.mp3

Two stereotypes for the price of one!  It’s time to meet Qwi Xux, a sexy anime scientist who… doesn’t see the moral concerns in building devastating superweapons yet.  Luke and Lando continue to futz around, and I guess some other stuff happens?  Sort of?

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Fully half the book before we met Daala, but boy oh boy does she ever make an impression (on herself).  We’ll have a lot to say about her and her fascinating hair, along with just ripping into Luke and Lando for half-assing everything (that’s Chewie’s job!) and continuing our imploring of Leia to take up any other career.

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https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/09/expounded-universe-143-look-maw-no-hans.mp3

Okay first of all this is chapters 15-17.  Jef is easily confused.  Han, Chewie and Kyp mount a daring escape while Leia keeps track of Luke’s new Jedi candidates, and her own kids too.  Plus an Imperial surprise!

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https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/08/expounded-universe-142-bespin-rawwks.mp3

The time has come to meet Jedi candidate number two!  Streen is a classic “psychic trying to find quiet in a world full of noisy thinkers” archetype, and to get him, we have to go to Bespin.  Why?  Because it was in a movie once, duh.  Meanwhile, Han just keeps riding around in mining carts, and Leia… Leias.

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https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/08/expounded-universe-141-blob-and-weave.mp3

Lando is off on a quest to investigate a gambler.  He will have to go to a gambling place where there is gambling.  Hey, what do we know about this guy again?  Also Leia gets worse and then gets an awakening, and Han starts a little riot.

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https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/08/expounded-universe-140-a-kyp-off-the-old-block.mp3

Who wants to meet Kyp Durron?  No one?  Too bad!  Also Luke faces Gantoris’ lethal “tests” while Lando shows up, hat in hand, hoping for a handout of something to do in one of these books for once.

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Aw shoot last week we thought we got all the boring intro chapters, but here we are dealing with Leia’s story startup for the episode!  Should have guessed!  Anyway, Han has crashed, Luke has a plan, and Leia… is rich.  Why do they keep doing that?

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You knew we’d cover one of this guy’s books eventually, and here we are!  This trilogy features the introductions of known series players like Nataasi Daala and Kyp “White Space Privilege” Durron.  We’re still in a place setting stage here, but chills, thrills, and silliness is soon to abound, I promise!

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https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/07/expounded-universe-137-only-hooles-rush-in.mp3

Chills, thrills, spills, and a last minute rescue!  Oh the joy of it!  Every foreshadow comes dramatically home to roost and we’re done!

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https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/07/expounded-universe-136-the-titular-line.mp3

Tash goes to Smada’s castle to confront that gross old Hutt!  Then they escape on a skimboard (no pads this time!) and learn a dark secret.  It’s so scary!

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https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/06/expounded-universe-135-slurpin-the-dirt.mp3

The GANKS disappeared all of a sudden, and then Zak went out on his cool skimboard (but remembered to wear his awesome pads) while Tash had a spooky adventure!  Slurp Slurp!

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https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/06/expounded-universe-134-hey-thats-smada-for-you.mp3

It was GANKS that shoved our heroes against a wall!  And the chapter climaxes keep on rolling, as we meet some familiar heroes, learn about ship maintenance, and go to an Enzeen sleepover.

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https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/06/expounded-universe-133-the-sweet-life-of-zack-and-tash.mp3

Prepare yourselves for true horror, as we dive into the spooky world of Galaxy of Fear, the tween terror series that wasn’t a cashing in on Goosebumps being a thing.  Not at all.

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https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/05/expounded-universe-132-leviathor-ragnarok.mp3

Boy howdy, that was a lot of fun.  We got whales, pirate captains, valleys of giant oysters, and an unsurprising revelation about the might Trioculus, all wrapped into a quick little package.  Enjoy!  Note that this was a super short book and we’re not going to be doing a wrap up on it.  We’ll just be taking a quick week off while Jef tries like crazy to source two copies of an old Star Wars book while all the bookstores are shut down.

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https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/05/expounded-universe-131-dark-greetings.mp3

Welcome to an Expanded Universe special edition!  This book is too short for a full season so we’re making a little snack out of it.  But boy are we ever thrilled to be in the exciting world of Star Wars for kids, where everything is taken at face value and the empire knows good and full well they’re the bad guys.

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https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/05/expounded-universe-130-the-end-of-stars-end.mp3

You know how these wrap up episodes go!  We talk about what we liked and didn’t like, then we answer a million listener questions and announce the next book!  It’s been 10 seasons now, come on!

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https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/05/expounded-universe-129-the-arc-of-imprisonment.mp3

And just like that, we’re done.  But dang what a way to go.  This is exciting in a way these Star Wars books rarely seem to want to shoot for, perfectly content to just kill everyone, blow up the building, and flip everyone off on the way out.

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https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/04/expounded-universe-128-hes-dead-i-rekkon.mp3

A daring space escape and a murder… a murder most foul.  Honestly this space scene is one of the coolest ones we’ve seen in a book so far, and it’s just the Falcon, a bad guy, and hundreds of acres of grain.

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https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/04/expounded-universe-127-lament-my-wookie.mp3

Our lovable smuggler team (and their droid named after balls) find their way to the mighty agriplanet to continue the mission!  We get to meet Rekkon, the coolest dude we’ve seen in a while, Torm, the obvious traitor, Atuarre and Pakka (cats that don’t really get lines, don’t worry about it).  Also Chewie is about as cool here as he’ll ever be.  All in all, good times!

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https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/04/expounded-universe-126-whats-up-doc-1.mp3

Han and Chewie must effect a sneaky escape from Etti IV and find an old friend, but we have a lot of questions.

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https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/04/expounded-universe-125-forest-balls.mp3

Finally the 70s kick up something interesting!  It’s Han Solo at Star’s End, a book that predates Empire Strikes Back!  We’re gonna be reading all about the wild adventures of pre-Rebellion Han and Chewie, and literally no one else you’ve ever heard of.   So exciting.

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https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/03/expounded-universe-124-more-of-a-crucible.mp3

As is tradition, we wrap up.  We discuss what we liked and didn’t like, if we’d recommend the book in general, and so on.  Eventually when we run out of that stuff we answer listener questions for a while and then announce the next book.  WHICH WE DO!

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Okay, let’s bring her home.  The entire EU that is, because this is the end.  The last of it.  Will Luke, Leia and Han die in the monolith?  Do the Qrephs somehow win despite being the dumbest morons since Hethrir?  I think you know these answers already, but hey, listen on!

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As boilerplate as the Qrephs have turned out to be, Vestara Khai is a straight up delight.  She’s very genre savvy and knows to be completely terrified of Luke and Leia and their terrifying “Light Side” progeny.  Who are earning that fear this episode as we spend most of it in the perspective of a villain just watching the old Star Wars heroes rip through defenses like butter.

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https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/03/expounded-u-niverse-121-mad-about-goo.mp3

Luke and Leia engage in some recreational muggle-dumping before looking for any excuse at all to murder Mandalorians (that’s how the light side works) while Han runs around behind Barduun/Jhonus Raam and his whole bag of crazy situation.  Wackiness ensues.

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https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/03/expounded-universe-120-and-it-turned-into-a-barduun-blitz.mp3

Finally, they stop playing sabacc!  After, you know, a whole chapter of them playing sabacc again.  Meanwhile the smartest brothers in the universe continue their extremely convincing impression of being horny bumbling dumbfucks.  So believable, these smart dudes!

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https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/02/expounded-universe-119-to-the-pain.mp3

Well, this certainly got way bigger after the last episode?  Remember how last time it was Han playing cards with the Qrephs?  Well now there’s more people at the table!  Remember how last time Ben and Lando spent a bunch of time looking at a floating D8 in space?  Well now there’s more people there!  Hooray!

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A classic tradition of Star Wars EU books return, as Benny Skywalker spends a whole-ass chapter talkin to Lando about a big D8 they found a picture of.  Meanwhile, Luke and Leia escape the Ormni under cover of broad daylight in the largest pinnace in town!

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https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/02/expounded-universe-117-the-beast-with-two-sabaccs.mp3

Whoa, halfway point already?  Feels like we’re just getting started!  Anyhow, Han is tied to a chair so he can play more sabacc.  It’s not all bad though, because he’s playing with the dumbest geniuses in the galaxy, the Qreph brothers!  Meanwhiler Luke and Leia sneak around a mining ship and dodge a sith with a mysterious new name!

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https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/02/expounded-universe-116-stake-out.mp3

I’m sure the plan here was intentional, that two chapters in a row of Skywalkers sitting in spaceships watching things happening “rhymed” or something.  Really, the thing that’s fascinating is this new Tahiri character.  Who the heck is this lady with a Majin W on her face?  Well, let’s find out.  And also let’s finally meet Ben Skywalker.

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If you were thinking “boy oh boy I sure hope we get to see some classic Expanded Universe sabacc games today” then I have great news for you.  If, however, you were hoping to finally revisit our brainy blue bad guys, well sadly, I also have great news for you.

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https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/01/expounded-universe-114-bacta-streets-back-all-right.mp3r

Into every Star Wars book review a little rain must fall, and here it comes.  At least we learn some surprising Dena Yus secrets, but boy do they come at the cost of wheels a-spinnin.  Han has a plan, my friends.  Stay fresh, cheese bags.

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https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/01/expounded-universe-113-crash-into-me.mp3

This book continues to baffle our wary expectations, as a chapter begins with a wordy explanation of how one of Lando’s dumb mining operations works and then ends about SOMETHING ELSE!  All that and Luke shows up!

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We meet the villains!  There’s two of these floaty dorks and boy oh boy do we have a big reveal about them.  They’re gonna threaten Lando for a bit, and then Luke will meet a Sullustan and talk about Sullustan sullustuff for a while.

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So in this book, Jaina Solo is 36 years old.  In case you were curious how far along in the timeline we’re dealing with, this one is set around roughly 45 ABY (I’m not using that new one and you can’t make me).  Crucible is the last book published as an Expanded Universe title before the Legends swap took place, and so far it feels like that was well understood as the book took shape.

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The wrap-up, listener questions, and the announcement of the next book.  Thankfully our mission was not continuing.

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As we expected, the final chapters of this book break down pretty simply.  A satisfying if somewhat short conclusion, along with a little more Worferine (which is our preferred ship name for the Worf/Wolverine bromance abrewin’).

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Wait, seriously?  Are we this close to done?  It seems like the part where anything cool happens didn’t happen.  Oh well, we’re in wrap up mode, and if you were Patton Oswalt or something, all wanting to finally see the moment where Xavier and Picard virtually meet, well that’s in here, at least.

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At this point I’m starting to long for the extreme action of a mid-season TNG episode or one of those really wordy Bendis X-Men issues.  Sure, there’s stuff going on, but the pace!

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Shadowcat enters and promptly leaves the fray!  Data turns out to be some sort of alarming mechano-man!  And Crusher has a dumb holodeck plan!  It’s all going beautifully here.

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The fight rages on!  So much transporting and phaser fighting and descriptions of the super cool powers of two of the definitely coolest X-Men, Banshee and… uhhh well Archangel.  In a series of hallways.

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Holy cow the villains!  We have villains!  They’re improbably stereotypical (gross monsters called the Draa’kon that kill each other for failure?  Come the fuck on), but we sure did finally get to see them!

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Mysterious aliens arrive and start messing with our transformed friends on Xhaldia!  Meanwhile Shadowcat is apparently just wandering through the walls of the Enterprise because X-Men, like wizards, have no sense of right and wrong.

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The pride and craftsmanship our author takes in the simple act of a “Wolverine drinks some prune juice” gag is more obvious and satisfactory than any sense of accomplishment either of us has ever felt.  And we also wrote a book!  Full of gags!  Anyway, this time a whole lot of nothing happens!  Hope you like nothing!

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The X-Trek revolution commences!  Erid and his erstwhile mutant family take to the hills and then take over a slum, while … well Dr. Crusher is taking cursory looks at whatever’s up with Archangel.  Also Worf and Wolverine fight Turricans and Axelays in the holodeck (just kidding, those are video games).

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Well last week Picard met the X-Men while Erid met his collection of weird new mutant Xhaldian friends.  This week Picard meets Storm specifically while Erid meets the more revolution-inclined among the Xhaldians.  Also Geordi and Nightcrawler, just pallin’ around.

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Picard meets the X-Men who are all acting like they just got their powers today, while Erid is shipped to a private facility and starts assembling the Planet X-Men.

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Oh goddammit who let Jon pick the book?  It was me?  Shoot, complaint withdrawn.  YES!  It’s time to see what the X-Men and the TNG crew (and Worf if he’s into it) can do together!  This is going to be ridiculous.

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The somewhat less thrilling epilogue.  Once we’re all done digging our way through Vector Prime, it’s time to answer a surprisingly large amount of listener questions! And we do exactly that.  Then, just when you think it can’t get more exciting, it does, as we announce the next book!  What will it be?  Well, you’re about an hour from that answer.

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The thrilling conclusion!  Oh… hold on actually there’s apparently two chapters left?  With eight pages in them total?  What’s happening back here?  Anyway the war rages on til some dramatic stuff definitely happens!

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Jef is stuck in last week, but the show goes on!  The post battle conversations are equal parts thrilling and samey, and someone forgot to watch the twins, so off they go again!

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Today it’s the Solo family(and Kyp) facing off against the might of the big bad Vong, as Prefect Da’Gara brings his fight directly to the doorstep of Lando’s Folly.

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Oh boy, Luke’s into it now.  Ready for another chapter of him taking all day to do something he couldn’t possibly do forever?  It’s here!  All that and the long-earned rest of a legend on today’s episode.

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https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/08/expounded-universe-92-big-bad-beetle-borgs.mp3

As they inevitably must do, the good guys and bad guys finally begin to converge.  Yomin straps on all his gooptech while Han encounters some surprisingly political albinos.

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A chapter focusing on Kyp Durron being a pompous douchebag lost in his own little world?  This book just keeps giving us gifts.  Also Dani remains a badass and Han sputters and blutters or whatever.

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It’s sort of nice to have the main characters compressed into a single narr… hey wait a minute this the same as last time!  Indeed, the Yuuzhan Vong continue to rampage around murdering everyone while the Skywalker gang doodles around at a theme park ride.  Will this book ever get back on track?

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It’s sort of nice to have all the boring main characters condensed into a single wish fulfillment narrative while the Vong go about the wet gooey business of murdering scientists, so at least this is a satisfying couple of chapters!  Also we find out what kind of couch there was in the TIE Advance.

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https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/06/expounded-universe-88-party-on-garth.mp3

Uhhh, I guess the Vong continue to get real?  Even though our main character gang has changed planets, it still feels like they’re in prep mode instead of getting on with it, but at least we get to learn about even more of Yomin Carr’s gross menagerie of single-purpose pain tools.

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The Vong plot gets real as their first ships enter the regular type galaxy and go all octopus ham on an ice planet.  Meanwhile Anakin and Jacen have some serious discussions while Chewie gets pretty slapstick with a senator.

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https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/06/expounded-universe-86-bolhpur-deez-nuts.mp3

Luke and Jacen march headlong into a council meeting and you know what that means… it’s time to learn a bunch of new Star Wars names!  Yay, our favorite pastime!  Meanwhile, Nom Anor is a hilarious dick, Leia gets grumpy, and we find out what Lando’s latest weird job is.  That dude always has a weird job.

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https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/06/expounded-universe-85-its-nom-anor.mp3

The time of the New Jedi Order is upon us as the Yuuzhan Vong set their wheels in motion!  We finally meet Legends regular Mara Jade, plus newcomers like Wurth Skidder and Yomin Carr!  It’s the dawn of a new horrible age!

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It’s the customary wrap up ep, yep!  We talk the arching themes of the book, answer your questions, and finally, as always, announce the NEXT BOOK!  Fire up your Amazon if you’re planning to read along!

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The curtain drops. What has changed?  What threats face us at the end of all chapters?  What hath Hambly wrought?  Does this book have the most hilariously unearned coincidence at the end of it at all time?  (yes)

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A mysterious new player enters the book in the 11th hour!  I don’t want to spoil it for you so I’ll just do that in the episode title.  Also Luke and Leia… finally meet?  This can’t be right.

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Luke and Leia both have dreams in this episode.  If you were curious about what kind of book we’re reading, it’s the kind where both main characters have dreams during the same chapter.

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These books have a tendency to flip into gear after spending some time on wheel spinny world building, but this one is definitely taking a little longer to turn over.  Sure, Luke and Leia have basically switched places now, and Threepio and Artoo are just jumping from one spaceship to the next, but still!  Go faster, book!

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Stuff happened this time, so I guess this is just that kind of book that wants to chill for a while before doing anything.

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Han arrives on the planet Nim Drovis and…Okay, now we know what’s going on.  Han is wandering around for basically no reason while Threepio tapes bells to his head and meets a bat.  Luke and Leia ponder.  Oh god they won’t stop pondering.

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Han arrives on the planet Nim Drovis and… I dunno, I guess he meets a giant flower or something.  If this book has a point I’d love to see it.

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Han rescues some survivors of a terrifying (and only tangentially related) spaceship crash, with Chewie and Lando in tow!  Meanwhile Leia and Luke stay on course of learning the same bits of the mystery at the same speed in two different chapters at a time.

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https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/03/expounded-universe-75-stuff-actually-happens-for-droids.mp3

Artoo pulls off a daring escape attempt while Threepio bumbles artlessly about.  Luke’s life is basically an Evanescence song you guys.  Leia is on drugs.

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Well okay so basically Luke finds out this planet is basically all Mad Maxy and that it’s mostly just a big crystal desert with weird bugs.  Han hangs around in a fancy apartment that used to belong to Party Times Palpatine and thinks about how bangable Luke’s old girlfriend is, and while all this is happening, Threepio is falling victim to some droid rules we’ve never heard before.

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Holy cow this book takes a lot of time to say a little stuff.  We do our best to fill time here but we are in the presence of a true master.  Leia wakes up and Luke crashes.  Still no sight of the promised Han/Lando pairing.

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Here we go again.  It’s a tale of ancient history and way too much information as we orbit the mysterious Nam Chorios.  Who’s Seti Ashgad?  How is every Skywalker so universally bad at relationship stuff?  Couldn’t you just cover any droid with meat, really?

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The customary interstitial discussion episode where we relax, answer questions, and take some time off from reading has arrived!  How did we feel about Red Harvest?  What’s coming next?  These questions and so many more can be found right here!

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The end is now.  Who survives?  Who wins?  YOU DECIDE!  No, wait, it was written down here.  We’ll just tell you.

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Whoa, big things are happening now!  Hestizo and Rojo face off against the zombie-lord Darth Scabrous while Tulkh and the HK droid blow shit up!  Things are heating up as we approach the final chapters of Red Harvest!

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Who dies this time!?  We won’t tell you it’s definitely Kindra here.  Just tune in to learn more about the librarian, Rojo, and, holy shit, Pergus Frode is back!?  Zombies!

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Tulkh foolishly goes off on his own after watching Hestizo finally do something useful?  Madness!  Speaking of madness, what’s going on with our favorite tree librarian? Could it be…. space zombie madness?

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https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/01/expounded-universe-65-hestizo-cuts-loose.mp3

We’re back from Christmas vacation, and what are we returning to?  All these damned zombies, bein’ gross and eatin’ eyeballs.  The action heats up as Hestizo finally does some fighting, but Ra’at and Kindra are stalled on some internecine bullshit.

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Hey the last thing we’re making this year, so we made sure to load it up with fresh buttered poop humor, just for your holidays.  Hestizo and Tulkh make discoveries while Rojo has a hard-boiled battle.  Also poop.  Happy Life Day, everyone!

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I have to be honest here, I’m sick and pretty well wiped out on Nyquil, so I only vaguely remember what we even talked about in this episode.  I remember it was a lot of our new character Kindra!

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Oh sweet, new characters!  And we’re starting to learn stuff about the official zombie rules in this universe.  Pretty good ones!  Can anyone survive?

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Whoa, zombies have entered the building!  They’re coming in!  Hold on, is that a quote from a horror movie or something?  I should ask Jon. In the meantime, here’s some Star Wars zombie times!

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Yet more characters!  Today we’re meeting the snooty Lieutenant Norch, the surprisingly forward Captain Ansgar, and the stoic badass of the olden years, Rojo Trace.  Will any of them meet any other ones?  How long till we circle back around and this thing gets going?  We have no idea!

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It’s like reading a whole new book as none of these chapters seem to be about the same people as the last series!  Let’s meet such Star Wars luminaries as Pergus Frode and Wall… Bennis, and a guy called M’nah… look this book is fun so far but these names are a problem.

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Let’s do the time warp again!  In Red Harvest, the narrative takes place nearly 3,500 years before the Battle of Yavin IV.  Will we see beloved fan characters like Party Sheev or Kidnap Han?  NOOOOOOOOPE!!  It’s a brand new universe full of Sith and more Sith and probably zombies.  So, let’s get started!

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We sit down to try and piece apart what happened in this book, and really come to an agreement as to thesis and tone and so on.  No, just kidding.  This is the most ridiculous ramble episode we’ve made that wasn’t an April Fool’s joke.  It’s like we just hated the concept of topics.  We do at least answer your questions and announce the next book!

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And with hungry hearts, we close this chapter of Expounded Universe.  Seriously, we must have been starving, this episode is pretty food heavy.  The climax has come, and you know you want to find out what happens to Florida Gethzerion and the boob-centric spellcasters of Dathomir.

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The demipenultimate episode!  Luke is missing!  Teneniel is just working that dark side/light side divide!  King Solo finally goes full Princess Bride!  And most exciting of all, with two chapters left in the whole book, we finally, finally meet Zsinj, the Mario Mario of Star Wars.

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https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/09/expounded-universe-55-gethzerion-and-on-and-on.mp3

The story really heats up!  There’s cool rancor fights and jedi battles and Gethzerion is super in play!  But of course we find ways to keep making fun of it.  That’s what we do here.  That’s our guarantee.

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The story heats up as the team raids the prison!  Will they find Gethzerion?  Will they find love?  Is Chewie gonna do anything this episode (spoiler: no).

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The gang’s all together!  And now they’re fighting!  Like first graders!  Let’s check in on proud naked Tenenniel, Isolder and Han splashing each other, and Luke afraid of cooties in a chapter where everyone looks bad (except Augwynne and Chewbacca, they cool).

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https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/09/expounded-universe-52-groove-is-in-the-boob.mp3

We get to step in the wild head and untamed boobs of everyone’s new favorite force witch Tenenniel Djo today!  There’s fights with Nightwitches, battles of wits (Han is terribly equipped as always) and yet more whuffa to discussa!

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Turns out this book can actually be pretty good when it’s not about the scintillating Han/Leia dynamic, so these two chapters, which don’t let the two of them anywhere near each other, are fairly interesting!  (PS before you @ me the Wookie language is Shyriiwook everyone knows that EVERYONE ALREADY KNOWS THAT).

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Han continues to be the absolutely worst, but at least he’s a handsome king now (thanks Threepio), and we finally encounter some hotnsexy rancors in today’s thrilling installment!  Plus, Luke is apparently just the absolute best at hyperspace.

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We took a week off for GenCon but we’re back and the story just keeps getting weirder!  We finally meet Ta’a Chume!  We finally set down on Dathomir?  And is someone trying to rascal a droid?  Who knows?

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Oh for the love of god Han, no.  Stop.  Everyone just stop.  Chewie, obviously you’re cool, but the rest of you just cut it out.  This is it, the moment you’ve all been waiting for, the nadir of Star Wars.  Here is is.

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https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/07/expounded-universe-47-wookie-clicker.mp3

Finally things start to pick up steam as Han deploys his standard gambling skills, Leia ruffles his hair like an adorable dog, and Chewie just sorta checks out entirely.

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The novel begins to search for a groove as we settle in for some deeply bodice-ripping action-free times.  Isolder used to be a pirate!  Han and Leia have the worst relationship in the history of space!  Chewbacca wisely removes himself from the conversation!  And more on this week’s thrilling episode!

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Expounded Universe is going back to basics.  Let’s talk about Leia, Han, and their dumb stupid relationship for idiots.  Let’s talk about woot horns!  And what’s Luke up to?  Something something Dathomir something something?  YOU BET!

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It’s over!  We discuss the best and worst of the characters, chapters, and themes of the Mos Eisley Cantina anthology, answer some listener questions, and look to the future!

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Now this is the kind of weird shenanigans we WANT from our Expanded Universe.  Thrill to the love story of a wet sock puppet and a cheap werewolf costume!  Can love bloom between these weird monsters?  Oh shit yes it can!  Today, System Mastery gets ficcy with it.

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So this chapter is about maps.  It’s about maps and moisture farmers and Jawas and Tusken Raiders and a surprising amount of Norwegian Star Wars folks.

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A long long time after the cantina, on a planet far, far away from the cantina, a new story is unfolding.  It’s the Dr. Evazan and Ponda Baba show, and it’s… a whole big Dr. Frankenstein thing?  Star Wars gets extra gothic on today’s exciting episode.  Plus, Jon’s childhood!

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Oh man, get ready for excitement folks, because today’s story is about a guy in the movie that kinda has a line, sort of!  It’s BoShek, and is he a space wizard?  No.  No, he’s just a pilot.  Or wait, is he?  Maybe!

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Finally, we get to meet the hookah-smoking man.  The mysterious figure that everyone knows to be scared of, the … dude who’s obsessed with soup.  It’s the tale of Dannik Jerriko, racer of wrestle cars and lover of sitting on his ass doing nothing, in today’s thrilling episode of Expounded Universe!

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Back at it again with the story of a the rise and fall of one of the Empire’s finest. Follow the story of Davin Felth as he goes through basic training, piloting lessons, and then suddenly finds out that the Empire is actual an evil pile of shit.

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It’s a super special episode as we finally reach the chapter by the man himself, Kevin J. Anderson. He asks the tough questions like “what do Jawa smell like” and “what if there was a Jawa that was pushed TOO FAR”. You’ll find the answers and probably some more elephant anecdotes on this weeks episode.

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This week at the cantina we are following around that guy in the dollar store devil costume to see what he is up to. Turns out, he is balls deep into the stories of everyone else that has come along so far in the book. Also, we go kind of crazy talking about elephants.

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While Mos Eisley has been described as a den of “scum and villainy”, so far the book hasn’t been too full of real scumbags. All of that is going to change this week the introduction of Feltipern Trevagg, the biggest asshole on Tattooine. It’s a whole chapter of letting us know just how much of a pile of crap this guy is before giving him his comeuppance.

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Though weary and facing insurmountable odds, our heroes manage to put together a podcast this week. Jef is baby-tired and Jon is slowly turning into pure mucous. However, we still manage to bring you the tale of a bartender that doesn’t like droids but then maybe does. Woooo!

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A wise, old Ithorian in exile as penance. An evil officer of the Empire that haunts his memory. See what happens when these two oddly competent characters have to square off with the fate of Tattooine in the balance. Ok, maybe not that much is at stake. But definitely the fate of a bunch of weird plants!

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The meta-plots really start to thicken as we examine the tale of Muftak and Kabe, otherwise known as the Hairy Four-Eye and his good friend, the adorable little bat thing.  Characters are beginning to emerge from the woodwork, such as the craggy and evil Captain Alima, the wise old Ithorian Momaw Nadon, and the mysterious hookah smoker.  Oh, but we don’t care.  We’re busy making our favorite stormtrooper pregnant and referencing The Critic.

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Jon’s pretty grumpy from the word go in the tale of the “Tonnika Twins” that contains less than 2% of the following ingredients: Tonnika Twins.  Timothy Zahn weaves us one of his usual “badass warriors do badass things because of their tactical genius and cool honor code” narratives, with a weirdly brief stopover to recite the events of the Cantina more or less verbatim.  Meet the Mistryl Shadow Guard!

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The sad tale of Greedo is such a comedy of terrible decisions and avoidable circumstance that the only thing it’s missing is a Ron Howard voiceover.  We follow the suck-fingered bounty hunter on his journey from little jerk kid to little jerk teenager and beyond (well, not that much beyond, you all know how this one ends)!

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The wheel begins spinning anew with the tales behind every dime store werewolf and devil mask seeking a drink and some shade in the famed Mos Eisley Cantina.  Our anthology begins with the story of Figrin D’An and the Modal Nodes, the hottest jizz act since… I am not going to finish that thought… no wait I can do this Max Rebo and his Orchestra.  There.  Nailed the landing.

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The big wrap-up episode!  We answer your questions about The Crystal Star (Obviously, we are the world established experts on the topic now), discuss the themes of the book, and announce the next chapter in the ongoing Expounded series!

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The yawning conclusion of Crystal Star finally arrives!  Thrill as dramatic tension moments rise unnoticed and are swept away within a paragraph to get to more hair compliments!Don’t forget, listeners!  Next week is the wrap-up episode for this saga of Expounded Universe.  We’ll be announcing the next book and answering your Crystal Star questions, so send those to systemmastery@gmail.com, right away!

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In this chapter, something happens.  Hey, don’t forget to actually hit us with Star Wars questions, as our wrap-up episode is coming soon.

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We’re building to a crescendo here, we just know it!  This whole book definitely can’t go by with the most exciting action scene being Leia escaping from a tow truck, no sir!  Anyway this time Hethrir reveals his villainous plan, Han has a real problem, and fan favorite character the Chamberlain’s wyrwulf makes a stunning reappearance!

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Great news, Universeketeers (Expoundettes?)!  This chapter contains the thrilling conclusion to both the kid-town frolics capers on Hethrir’s worldcraft AND the sudden and well-deserved removal of the Lelilah and Geyyahab characters from the rest of the story.  Beautiful!  Sadly, we don’t visit with the guys, so we continue to save that drama for Luke’s mama Amidala.  On with the show though!

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The kids escape, Han fumes, and Lelilah descends into some sort of criminal underworld tantrum.  It’s all coming to a head and we’re here to talk about it!

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Lelila and Geyyahab learn some big secrets, Han recovers after seeing a murder, and Luke fails to save the drama for his long-dead mama on today’s exciting episode of Expounded Universe.  Also, Threepio drops some wicked sass.

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The Jedi children enjoy the literal fruits of their recent Proctor-bamboozling, Leia has a a wookie makeover party, and the Waru plot goopens, as the Bizarro Meatwad reveals his true interests.  Will Han ever confront his gambling problems?  What the heck are color crawlers?  And why is Luke so weird?  All that and more right here.

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We finally meet Waru, the big ball of oozing meat and gold that just loves to love!  Waru is hosting some sort of seminar on castile soaps and healing seaweed people and we’re here to talk about it.  Also, Leia is a “diplomat” and Jaina continues scamping.

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Today, we are thrilled to finally introduce you to the richest and most dynamic  new cast of characters ever found in a Star Wars Expanded Universe novel.  It’s so good.  Also, Han gets a little summer camp crush, Luke is sickly, and Leia … nothing new, she continues to hate Chewbacca.

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Whoa, subchapters!  Almost forgot about these things!  On today’s thrilling (that’s Star Wars-ese for “boring”) adventure, Leia gets surprisingly dark, Luke gets surprisingly weird, and Jaina… well look, Jaina’s just standing around watching Hethrir really lean into some jazz hands around his big new sign that says “Nazi Symbolism.”

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Star Wars meets Dickens in the first chapter we’ve read that’s from the point of view of a five-year old.  We’re truly committing to the Legends brand today as we step behind the eyes of Jaina e Solo, the precocious daughter of the very married Han and Leia.  Also featured: Hethrir, our copper, cinnamon, and gold-haired villain (it’s in pretty stripes).

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Today we’ve got someone new to discuss, a character that has never been seen before in Expounded Universe history, and not only that, it’s a full chapter, just for him.  That’s right, we’re gonna hang with Han “The Han” Solo all day long on today’s episode, and he’ll grab spiders, try to spend fancy money, and navigate the weird waters of human-ghostling relations.

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Welcome to season 2!  No more Xizor.  No more Dash Rendar.  I know!  It’s sad!  But don’t worry, dear listeners, because some things never change.  Like Leia being grossed out by aliens, or Chewbacca getting beat up every few minutes!  We’ve got all that and more in the second book of our continuing saga, as we take on The Crystal Star!

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The victory lap of Shadows of the Empire begins.  We bring a pile of stuff to the table, between the book’s exciting (note: not really) epilogue, a wonderful copy of the SotE expansion for West End Games’ D6 Star Wars RPG, and questions from listeners.  After becoming fully convinced that the beast Xizor is dead, we announce the next book!

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WE ARE DONE!  This is it, the end of the story of Shadows of The Empire!  Who lives?  Who dies?  What is it to harn?  You’ll find out here in chapters 37-40!

Don’t forget to tune in next week because this episode has a post-credit sequence.  Catch this book’s epilogue, a little Q&A, and the big announcement of the next book on next week’s Expounded Universe!

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Our signature sultry audio has returned!  On today’s episode, it’s the sewer level, Vader finally makes his move via a catty phone call, and Xizor is confused about his relationship status.

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Let’s put the cards on the table regarding this episode.  The sound sucks.  There was a catastrophic sound failure during our recording a weekend or two ago that ate a few episodes alive, including this one.  So go in ready.  Otherwise, we are getting close to the endgame of Shadows.  Xizor machinates, Vader broods, and we get a surprise return!  Enjoy (such as you can).

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We are joined in today’s episode by Kat and Pranks from a friendly Star Wars podcast of their very own, Never Tell Me The Pods!

We’ll be exploring chapters 28-30, in which the grand Xizor seduction plotline comes to a gross, dumb, veiny head.

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In today’s episode, Princess Leia is sexually assaulted by a big red lizard man.  Everyone else who shows up at all just spins their wheels.  Dash Rendar isn’t even here.  Palpatine wisely sits this one out.  Han was so embarassed he stayed frozen in carbonite.

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In this episode everyone but Luke spins their wheels and so does he, honestly.

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Chapters 19 – 21.  In which Dash Rendar gets a real wicked sad going, Leia finally meets Guri, and against all odds, Bothans just keep on dying!

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In which Dash Rendar slowly turns into that kid that gets birthday presents at your birthday party, Vader and the Emperor make the briefest possible appearances, and Leia ponders the existence of lady criminals.

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Welcome to the majesty of chapters 13-15.  In which our hero Prince Xizor capers and cavorts about most evilly, Luke does some canyon racing, Threepio belabors the joke, and … well, Xizor pervs out harder than any man should perv.

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These chapters are in a bit of a holding pattern, but not us, damn it!  We discuss the value of Xizor’s workout regimen, Dash Rendar’s continued value as an employee, and Daffy Duck.  So much Daffy Duck.

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In this episode Vader doesn’t look back, Luke blows up TIE fighters, Lando and Leia fly around with Dash, Luke blows up TIE fighters, Xizor visits Space Tony Roma’s, a Place for Space Ribs, Luke destroys TIE fighters, and to cap it all off, Luke destroys TIE fighters.  Enjoy!

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Serious question.  How is there so little Xizor/Vader fic on the internet?  Just seems like an obvious thing.  This episode was recorded with a test mic rig so be gentle on the sounds!  We’ll be back soon with more Dash Rendar, more Xiiiizor, and more stormtroopers than ever before.

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Okay, here we go.  A whole new show just to clear our minds and try out something new.  Don’t worry, if you were listening because you liked our signature “terrible never ending banter” we’ve got it in spades for you.  We’re starting the new series with a real classic, Shadows of the Empire by Steve Perry (sadly, probably not the lead singer of Journey, but maybe!).  Please enjoy our new breed of nonsense.

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