Part of the larger “Roger Corman goes to Argentina” Cinematic Universe. Just be aware, this one has a lot of rape in it and is deeply uncomfortable to watch.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Netflix’s first attempt at making a blockbuster film is mostly fantasy racism and copaganda set in a world where they didn’t spend more than minute thinking about world building and the implications of the setting.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The movie that fools you twice. Once by making you assume there is going to be way too much Chris Kattan when he’s hardly in it and then fooling you again by making it so that Chris Kattan is actually the best part of the movie.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This movie has famously been mocked for being awful ever since it first came out and was nominated for two different bad movie awards. But, does it deserve the hate or is there something here worth watching? Let’s find out together, shall we?

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What starts out seeming like a standard Hulk Hogan action movie, quickly devolves into a strange, dreamlike comedy with cartoonish characters and a nonsensical plot.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We aren’t reviewing Morbius (yet) but how about another movie that decided to try to lean into the memes and then didn’t make any money because it turns out memes aren’t actually worth anything.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

When you adapt a manga or anime into live action, only good things can happen. And what could be more exciting than watching someone drive the exact same route 7 times without losing?

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

In the vein of A Talking Cat, a celebrity really phones it in while voicing an animal but this movie had the budget to also badly CGI the animal doing karate.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Follow the thrilling escapades of John Canyon as he coerces a girl to marry him for a ride and then be chilled by the worst thing that poor Charles Dance has had to do on screen.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

In the near future, two rival gangs fight for control of Frasier Park, CA by playing a knock-off version of Dance Dance Revolution but mostly just say the N-word a lot.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

One of the few actually decent DreamWorks animated films but it still can’t escape the dreaded “all the characters dance” ending.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

In what I can only describe as one of the worst movies that we have ever seen; Jenny McCarthy takes some time off from spreading misinformation about vaccines to write and star in a humorless “comedy” where everyone sucks and nobody learns anything.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Thrill as a very large but not kaiju-sized crocodile harmlessly wanders around the Chinese countryside causing some mild panic and light property damage.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

An earnestly fun, low budget comedy with high gore and nudity content that would honestly have aged pretty well if it weren’t for all the racial slurs and homophobia.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

When you need a problem solved and nobody else can get it done, you call the legally distinct from G.I. Joe men at Megaforce.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A movie that took the name of a Stephen King short story but has absolutely nothing in common with it and yet somehow still manages to be an extremely Stephen King movie.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The classic “how do I reach these kids” teacher movie with a military twist and you better believe that there’s a scene where these army teens drop a sick Hamlet rap.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Special guest James D’Amato joins us in a review of Britain’s extremely cursed foray into the world of animated movies. A film with a plot so absurd that there is no way the movie can do it justice.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Whoever it was that decided this should be on our list both understands exactly what this show is about and also is a terrible person. Hitting some surprising new lows on this one.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Ok but the movie poster claims “the most bizarre murder weapon ever used” and that’s just not even remotely true. Killing someone with a truck is real fuckin basic. You kill someone with some Pumpernickel bread and maybe you can claim most bizarre murder weapon.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The 4th and final installment of the 3 Ninjas series goes out on a “what?” as Hulk Hogan helps some kids fight terrorists that are also ninjas that have taken over an amusement park.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A group of mercenaries accidentally kidnap the worlds most killingest badass for their murder training and he picks them off one by one using nothing but a knife, his wits, and a sweet pair of daisy dukes. Somehow, this is turned into the most tedious and boring movie we’ve watched in a while.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You remember those horror books aimed at kids that were super popular in the early-mid 90’s? Well, they definitely cashed in on that in a timely fashion with this movie in 2015!

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It’s still queer horror week for this Horrortoberfest and, unfortunately, this one is the dark side of the offerings given how this movie views gay and trans people. I will never allow Jef to watch good horror.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

In a pulp fiction alternate 1939, nefarious plans are afoot and only the dashing Sky Captain can put an end to this world ending threat. Also, everything looks like it’s been soaked in piss and smeared with vaseline.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A treasure previously lost was found once again by the Alamo Draft House. Now everyone can enjoy the earnest, goofy, terrible movie that is Miami Connection and the rockin’ yet oddly sweet lyrics of Dragon Sound.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A terrifying, inhuman elite controls society and keeps people under control through television, advertising, and the help of their recruits that work to maintain the suppression of any rebellious actions. Also, we watched a John Carpenter film!

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The classic 80’s film that tried to see if a full puppet movie could work. With some gorgeous design work from Jim Henson and Brian Froud and performances from classic Muppet actors, it almost does. Almost.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A movie that dares to ask the unthinkable question: What if the youth of America actually gave a shit about politics and showed up to vote? Truly a terrifying thought.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The Loony Tunes are back and ready to create a giant commercial for WB properties and also basketball kind of happens.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

In a cult classic that has bigger star power than you might have assumed for such an incredibly stupid movie; we try to make sense of a snake vampire lady and also do the world’s most atrocious Scottish accents.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

In the same way that the Taken movies are just fodder for middle-aged dads to imagine that they could be super badass heroes still; this movie is for 20-something burnout stoners to imagine that they could be super badass heroes.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Back in the era where comic book movies hadn’t quite figured out the formula for success, a little property about a post-apocalyptic riot grrl could flourish as a unique creation. Uniquely BAD! BOOM! Take THAT!

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The experience of watching this movie is much the same as Goldblum’s character within the movie: mildly amused but mostly just confused about what’s happening and why.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

If there’s one element that can turn any concept from drab and boring to thrilling and engaging it’s steampunk. The thing that Alexandre Dumas’ classic tale was missing was scuba gear, airships, and gatling cannons.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

After World War 3 has devastated the planet and war is outlawed, the remaining civilizations decide that the best use of their limited resources is to have giant fuck-off robots punch each other over territory disputes.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The romantic comedy that lets women know that you can finally find love as long as you are willing to leave your job, friends, and family behind in order to be with a man you’ve known for less than a week.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Not to be confused with Star Wars: The Cone Wars the TV show. Or Star Wars: Clone Wars the TV show. Or Star Wars: The Clone Wars the video game. This one had a theatrical release that nobody cared about! And we definitely watched it!

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2021/03/movie-mastery-spawn.mp3

Back in the 90’s when comics were gritty and the CGI was absolutely terrible, somebody greenlit a movie that’s 85% narration and 15% incredibly poorly done fight scenes.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2021/03/movie-mastery-on-deady-ground.mp3

We’ve talking about Steven Seagal several times on the podcast before but this is the first time we get to finally sit down and sink our teeth into one of his movies. With a star-studded cast and definitely, for sure not sure Asians playing Native Americans; On Deadly Ground really makes you realize why Seagal became a joke.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2021/02/movie-mastery-circle-of-iron.mp3

Inspired by a script from legendary martial artist Bruce Lee, comes Circle of Iron. A movie where a whiny, asshole white guy has people attempt to teach him Zen lessons but he learns nothing and remains the worst.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2021/02/movie-mastery-tango-and-cash.mp3

A movie that both of us had heard of but neither of us knew anything about. This film walks the delicate line of being a loving example of its genre and being a complete parody. Also, it gets a sprinkling of Heavy Business!

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2021/01/movie-mastery-ready-player-one.mp3

If you love pop-culture references to things from the 80’s and early 90’s and also nothing else, then this is the adaptation you’ve been waiting for.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2021/01/movie-mastery-hardcore-henry.mp3

We find out if a single gimmick stretched out over an hour and a half can in some way improve upon the action movie genre. Also, Sharlto Copley gets a lot of love in this one.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/12/movie-mastery-eragon.mp3

When all the young adult novels were fighting to see who would come out on top, Eragon set itself apart by being written by a teen itself. A teen that had apparently very recently watched Star Wars and Lord of the Rings. Then they made a movie. Sort of.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/11/movie-mastery-cherry-2000.mp3

In a future dystopia where relationships are no more than business contracts, one man has the romantic passion to fall in love with his sex robot. Now he has to head away from future city, to Western Town to pick up a tracker before driving into Post Apocalypse Desert and, hey, Melanie Griffith is here.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/10/movie-mastery-bad-hair.mp3

A Horrortoberfest special with guest star Chanel from the Arms of the Tide podcast. Thankfully the episode isn’t just two white dudes talking about a very specifically Black woman issue turned into horror movie,.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/10/movie-mastery-deadcon.mp3

You ever wonder what would happen if the internet was haunted and social media was out to get you? Me too. Unfortunately, this movie doesn’t do that and instead is just a haunted hotel room at VidCon. Spooooooky.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/10/movie-mastery-the-whispering-man.mp3

Welcome to Day 1 of Horrortoberfest 2020, the year that’s already scary enough that doing this is actually a relief. Get ready for a big heaping helping of nothing as this found footage film tries to scare you with the sound of a guy not able to catch his breath.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/09/movie-mastery-the-shaggy-d.a.-1976.mp3

The sequel to the movie that came out almost 20 years before this because “Hollywood has run out of ideas” is nothing new. Whacky hijinks abound in this comedy with a very strangely dark turn towards the end,.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/09/movie-mastery-the-punisher-1989.mp3

At the same time that Batman was set to make his dark entrance onto the big screen; Marvel was looking to put up their own brooding man with no super powers. But this movie has an R rating so you know it fucks.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/08/movie-mastery-nick-fury-1998.mp3

Before Samuel L. Jackson came along and made the character into the badass we know today; David Hasselhoff made the character into a weird Boomer Dad fantasy featuring some truly atrocious acting and directing choices.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/08/movie-mastery-hulk-2003.mp3

Before Ruffalo. Before Norton. After Ferrigno. There was Bana. In the role he was hired to play: A very boring scientist that turns into Shrek and fights his dad who is also a cloud now.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/07/movie-mastery-existenz.mp3

Have you ever wondered what it would be like if Total Recall and The Matrix got all Cronenberged up? Here it is but it’s kind of strange you were wondering that at all.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/07/movie-mastery-america-3000.mp3

Neggy more must you wait for us to scan this hot plastic movie. It’s a new tomorrow and we are here to guide all you plugots and frals to a new comb. Words!

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/06/movie-mastery-monsturd.mp3

I’ll spare you a description riddled with poop jokes since that’s pretty much all going to happen in the podcast. It’s a low budget horror movie about a poop monster, there’s not a lot else to say.

For bonus TV Mastery content, head over to https://www.patreon.com/posts/38619168

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/06/movie-mastery-knights-of-badassdom.mp3

You might think that a movie like this is going to cater to our specific interests. The truth is that it is mostly laughing at nerds instead of with nerds. And that’s our job, so back off.

Also be sure to check out our new bonus content over at our Patreon page here

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It’s the 80’s in Australia and there is nothing cooler than riding BMX bikes, stealing shit you find that is obviously someone else’s, and having the worst imaginable hair.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/05/movie-mastery-clockstoppers-2002.mp3

Go back in time with us and see the pure distillation of early 2000’s culture into a single movie. This one checks all the boxes of what a movie aimed at kids would have and also gets to drag around poor French Stewart.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/04/movie-mastery-cool-as-ice-1991-1.mp3

Like most other movies starring a celebrity that isn’t an actor, this is mostly just a vanity project that has no redeeming aspects. Plus, as a romantic(?) comedy(?), the main character gets to be a super creepy asshole and the love interest thinks it’s endearing.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/04/movie-mastery-descendants-2015.mp3

Over a year ago I was at a Baskin-Robbins with Jef when I saw a cake theme in their book of birthday cake options that was apparently themed around Disney villain children going to high school together. This confounded me and now I can say that seeing it is no less baffling.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Barry B. Benson is no ordinary bee.  He’s a shitty bee you immediately hate.  Let’s follow along with his entitled crusade to become a lawyer and sue for all the honey he never worked for anyway, and sort of kind of falls in love with a human?  Also was this movie just made to throw a few paychecks to NBC alumni?

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/03/movie-mastery-bee-movie-2007.mp3

Barry B. Benson is no ordinary bee.  He’s a shitty bee you immediately hate.  Let’s follow along with his entitled crusade to become a lawyer and sue for all the honey he never worked for anyway, and sort of kind of falls in love with a human?  Also every time we say “Bee” the review starts going faster.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/03/movie-mastery-captain-america-1979.mp3

Since we were supposed to go see a superhero movie in the theaters this week but couldn’t because of global pandemic, we decided to finally sit down and watch Reb Brown in all his glory as Captain America.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/03/movie-mastery-shock-treatment.mp3

The black hole of shitty musicals has yet to release us from its gravity well and has instead dragged special guest Claire down into the muck with us. This is the sequel(?) to Rocky Horror kind of and also just bad. Enjoy!

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/02/movie-mastery-sonic-the-hedgehog.mp3

After a much-hated initial design, Sonic is back with a less horror inducing look and a strange obsession with preaching the inherent superiority of “small town ideals”. Also, I guess he has lightning powers now so there’s that.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/02/movie-mastery-repo-the-genetic-opera.mp3

It’s the musical movie with a cult following that I can only assume likes it ironically. I literally cannot fathom why anyone would choose to watch this more than once.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/01/movie-mastery-cats.mp3

You did it. You made us go see Cats. I hope you’re proud of yourselves. Now reality has lost all meaning and Jon can’t seem to stop introducing himself as Jauntypine the Podcast Cat.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2020/01/movie-mastery-winters-tale.mp3

What if stars are miracles left by people when they die and we wish on the love of those who have gone before with heaven’s wishing love miracle? What if every person has a miracle inside them but also is a miracle in and of themselves? What if a horse was actually a dog?

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/12/movie-mastery-fred-claus.mp3

Jef has been allowed to take over the movie decisions for the month and has decided it’s “A Very Vince Vaughn Christmas”. First up we find out out Santa’s deadbeat brother and also there are just so many questions about the world building in this.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/11/movie-mastery-doctor-sleep.mp3

In a surprising twist, this sequel to a novel/movie that is 30 years old isn’t just some random garbage thrown together for a cash grab. But is it good? You’ll just have to listen to find out. Or watch it yourself. Or I guess read some other review.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/11/movie-mastery-future-cops.mp3

When the past needs saving, you call the Future Cops! They’re…well, they’re just Street Fighter guys with a flair for the slapstick. This still might be a better Street Fighter movie than the one we actually got, though.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/10/movie-mastery-countdown.mp3

October comes to a close and so too must Horrortoberfest but first one final treat from these tricksters. We said we weren’t doing an In Theaters episode this month but we totally are! Enjoy a movie that definitely isn’t quite as bad as the premise might lead you to believe.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/10/movie-mastery-return-to-horror-hotel.mp3

This horror anthology runs the gamut of topics from the subversive quality of platonic male touch to the charming and lovely nature of middle America that we all still seem to look down on. No, wait, sorry. That’s just the bits we’re doing. The movie is about finding out how low budget you can make short movies.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/10/movie-mastery-await-further-instructions.mp3

Have you ever thought, “You know what? Maybe technology isn’t great and we rely on it too much”? Well then you should watch Black Mirror. Have you already watched all of Black Mirror? I guess you could probably watch this then.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/09/movie-mastery-it-chapter-2.mp3

The end of the clown saga is here. With a fairly bloated run time of just under 3 hours; can Chapter 2 capture the magic from the first one? Or will the story of a bunch of 40 year olds remembering when they got scared as kids not hold up as well?

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/09/movie-mastery-mom-and-dad-save-the-world.mp3

Imagine if someone with no sense of humor decided they wanted to make a movie like Spaceballs. Now imagine they decided to make it a Jeffrey Jones vehicle. Now imagine you had to watch it for a podcast. Ok, now imagine an elephant with six legs. Imagination is fun!

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/08/movie-mastery-dora-the-explorer.mp3

In this children’s TV show turned teen adventure movie, the entire thing seems to have been dipped in a layer of magical realism where talking monkeys are simply nonsensical but talking, bipedal foxes in masks are hardly noteworthy.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/08/movie-mastery-twin-peaks-fire-walk-with-me.mp3

Content Warning: David Lynch kinda went all in on the rape stuff in this movie. It’s just one more bit of awful in the sea of garbage that is this awful, boring movie.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/07/movie-mastery-crawl.mp3

A movie about alligators attacking during a hurricane is actually getting some pretty decent critical reviews. But can a well crafted horror movie penetrate Jef’s tough, scaly hatred for the genre?

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/07/movie-mastery-scorpion-king-5-book-of-souls.mp3

Technically we randomly rolled The Scorpion King as our movie this week. However, after seeing that a Scorpion King 5 existed; we simply needed to know what was going on with this franchise.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/06/movie-mastery-dark-phoenix.mp3

It’s time to review the final installment in the X-Men franchise under Fox. Is it going to be more of the same and end on a real wet fart of a movie? Golly, that would be sad! Let’s hope not!

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/06/movie-mastery-the-crow.mp3

Were you a little gothy kid in the 90s? Then you don’t need us to tell you about this movie. Or, actually, you probably do because this one gets some serious goth tinted glasses.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/05/movie-mastery-detective-pikachu.mp3

We went to go see Detective Pikachu after I messed up and only put 3 options on the available poll for the month. Oh well, now you can learn all about how we don’t know anything about Pokemon and how Jef continues to find theaters with the worst people in them.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/05/movie-mastery-gravy.mp3

Three cannibals take a small restaurant hostage for their annual Halloween feast. But don’t worry, it’s light hearted and jokey. But don’t worry, it’s also incredibly gory. But don’t worry, none of it works and the whole thing sucks.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/05/movie-mastery-avengers-endgame.mp3

It’s an extra long episode about an extra long movie. Over 20 movies in the making and now two idiots from the internet get to nitpick minor quibbles.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/04/movie-mastery-spice-world.mp3

It’s time to dive into the spicy world of girl power and see if somehow a movie based on and starring a band can in any way be good. Almost certainly not but we are obligated to watch it none the less.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/04/movie-mastery-the-item.mp3

Any time you find a movie that is written, directed by, and starring the same person you know it is either going to be a true masterpiece or a pile of self-indulgent garbage. Given the fact that you’ve probably never heard of this and the plot revolves around a dick-worm puppet; I’ll let you decide which.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/03/movie-mastery-captain-marvel.mp3

It’s time to go back to the mid 90’s which means it’s right in our wheelhouse. Is this the feminist icon we’ve all been waiting for or have the SJWs ruined everything by allowing movies to have speaking roles for women in them? I feel dirty even having typed that.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/03/movie-mastery-hard-ticket-to-hawaii.mp3

Some sort of agents of some sort of agency run around Hawaii shooting weird thugs and taking their tops off.  Come for Jef’s ebullient love of good old fashioned boob movies, stay for the rocket launcher.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/02/movie-mastery-what-men-want.mp3

Barely winning out in the poll for the month, this sequel(?) to an almost 20 year old movie raises a lot of questions. Questions like “Who cares?” and “Why are we watching this?”

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/02/movie-mastery-jupiter-ascending.mp3

With a movie that was universally panned when it came out; will this turn out to be a sleeper of a hit? Or were the critics right and the whole thing is a ridiculous pile of nonsense? Maybe both? Find out on today’s Movie Mastery.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/01/movie-mastery-spiderman-into-the-spiderverse.mp3

You asked for it (like a month ago), you got it! We cover the animated sensation of the year. Nay! The decade! Does this new Spider-Man live up to the hype or are we so dead inside that joy can no longer penetrate our thick and scaly hides? Find out!

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2019/01/movie-mastery-truth-or-dare.mp3

This week’s review is a little different as we go off from the normal format and Jon picks the movie. It’s a film so insidious that it has haunted his very existence for the past several months and it’s time he inflicted it on other people. Enjoy this double length episode.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/12/Movie-Mastery-Babes-in-Toyland-1986.mp3

A Christmas movie from Jon’s past comes back to haunt Jef. This fever dream of a movie with no budget and a big name cast will meander around for about a half hour’s worth of content. Just like we do!

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/11/movie-mastery-fantastic-beasts-tcog.mp3

Return once more to the Wizarding World where we follow out hero Newt Scamander as he barely manages to be part of the plot that is happening around him. Everyone from the first movie is back with barely any screentime because Johnny Depp is here and he’s got an accent.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/11/movie-mastery-down-periscope.mp3

Did Jef and Jon enjoy this movies subtle themes? Or did they find the entire thing to be sub par? One things for sure, watch this movie with sub-titles on. SUB JOKES!

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/11/movie-mastery-black-mountain-side.mp3

Back with one last stab at some horror before the last of October’s spookiness gives way to too much food and presents. This one has both of us in agreement on the quality of the film. Does this mean Jef finally liked a horror movie? No. It does not.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/10/movie-mastery-venom.mp3

While not fully a horror film, I’m still counting this as an entry for the years Horrortoberfest. There’s a weird monster that possesses someone and it eats people so, you know, it’s close enough for me.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/10/movie-mastery-the-unborn.mp3

Taking a quick detour from the 80s horror week so that Jef can, once again, miss out on good movies and watch some crap that can’t even be saved by brief appearances from both Idris Elba and Gary Oldman.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/09/movie-mastery-the-predator.mp3

Once again, an alien species of hunters comes to Earth but this time it’s not trophies that they’re after. Can our ragtag crew of soldiers with PTSD, a biologist, and a kid with super autism stop this threat? Yes, obviously. Is it any good? Ehhhh.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/09/movie-mastery-moontrap-target-earth.mp3

The movie cover shows giant fighting robots and the back promises a story of time travel and a dire rush to save the Earth. The movie delivers repeating exposition in a warehouse with no time travel and the only robots look like 6 foot tall foam Bionicles.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/08/movie-mastery-slender-man.mp3

A terrifying internet meme comes to life and turns out to basically be if The Ring was about incredibly annoying teenagers. Also, instead of being a creepy background figure, Slender Man has turned into basically a mean tree spirit that will straight-up choke a bitch.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/08/movie-mastery-crash-and-burn.mp3

In the distant future of 2030, Earth is ravaged by the depletion of the ozone layer and one corporation holds power over everyone. Also, there are giant, sad-looking robots that are totally sweet. Now, forget all that because none of it matters and everything is bad actors talking in a factory.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/07/movie-mastery-mamma-mia-2.mp3

It’s time to revisit the magical island paradise where rich white people sing and dance their cares away while the local Greeks toil in the background. In this prequel/sequel mash-up we discover exactly what the circumstances were when a young Donna boned down with 3 dudes in a couple weeks. Finally, the questions we all asked get answered.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/07/movie-mastery-doa-dead-or-alive.mp3

It’s a movie based on a video game that is pretty much only known for the fact that the boobs would jiggle. You can probably guess what the movie’s cinematography tends to focus on. Also, you might have thought this came out in the 90s to cash in on the Mortal Kombat movie but it was 2006 and I’m frankly stunned.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/06/movie-mastery-hereditary.mp3

We went a little overboard talking about the latest critical darling of the horror world. Did we talk for almost an hour and forty minutes because we loved it or hated it? Only one way to find out.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/06/movie-mastery-solo.mp3

After the Deadpool 2 review, everyone was asking if we would also review Solo. We here at System Mastery podcasts are nothing if not open to listening to the desires of our fans. So, here it is in all of it’s nonsensical glory.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/05/movie-mastery-deadpool.mp3

Once again, Jon is joined by Quinn and Josette from the Swallows of the South podcast to provide our thoughts on Deadpool 2. Though mostly it’s our thoughts on weird mouth sounds and talking like a baby.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/05/movie-mastery-the-core.mp3

It’s another week of special guest hosts but this time you get twice the guests for half the cost! Jo and Quinn join in watching a disaster movie with probably the shakiest science I’ve seen in one of these. Also, we get into some Egyptian mythology for…some reason.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/05/movie-mastery-avengers-infinity-war.mp3

You didn’t vote for it but we went to see it anyway. It’s anarchy here over at Movie Mastery studios. Jef is gone and has been replaced by fan favorite, Claire. It’s all topsy-turvy and the whole world is blowing up. In the movie, too.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/04/movie-mastery-the-alf-movie.mp3

Hah!  He kills us.  This almost embarrassingly cheap TV special takes Alf on a grand tour of… some B-roll footage of Chicago.  We meet ALF’s brother Mitch (yes, we know the cartoon said his brother’s name was Curtis), and the government agent tasked with catching them both.  What branch of government?  Shut up.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/03/movie-mastery-theodore-rex.mp3

After the release of Jurassic Park, dinosaur mania was sweeping the nation. The people wanted dinosaurs and they didn’t care how they got them. Then along came this putrid attempt at a buddy cop film that wasn’t sure if it wanted to be a wacky fart-laugher for kids or a dystopic Judge Dredd-esque cop story. Truly a wake up call for us that maybe we had a problem.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/03/movie-mastery-helldriver.mp3

It’s like someone took the storyboard for an amazing, nutty zombie movie and then let the most boring person alive edit it. If you thought that the one thing that high adrenaline action horror movies needed was turning what would be an establishing shot into an entire scene of a movie then I guess you’re in luck.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/02/movie-mastery-black-panther.mp3

From the bottom of our heart shaped plants, thank you for voting for this over Fifty Shades this month. It is a rare occasion that we get to see and review movies that are even remotely decent, let alone overwhelmingly great. It’s like getting a little vacation and it’s all thanks to the voters.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/02/movie-mastery-the-death-cure.mp3

In a world where every post apocalypse scenario has come to pass, only a handful of plucky kids can save the day. Can the mega corporation with the dumbest acronym stand up to the mighty onslaught of horny teens? Find out this and more with our in depth review!

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/01/movie-mastery-guardians.mp3

It’s time for some superhero action from the Motherland. Russia’s greatest/only heroes must band together to stop the machinations of the evil Dr. Electro-Bane. It’s like if the Fantastic Four were cosmonauts instead (yes I know about Red Ghost and the Super-Apes).

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

 https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/01/movie-mastery-suburban-commando.mp3

There was a time when Hollywood was trying really hard to turn Hulk Hogan into a legit movie star. With films like this, though, they skipped the standard process of turning a famous muscle man into a star which usually involves being an action hero and went straight to family comedy. It’s like if Schwarzenegger’s big film break had been Kindergarten Cop.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/12/movie-mastery-jumanji-welcome-to-the-jungle.mp3

So this isn’t a reboot or a remake, this is a sequel to the 1995 original Jumanji movie. Which is weird, because they ditch the entire conceit of the original movie where it’s the game invading the real world for a much blander “Sucked into the video game” trope.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/12/movie-mastery-the-santa-clauses.mp3

Merry Christmas, everyone. As a special holiday treat we are giving you a giant-sized gift in the form of us reviewing ALL THREE Santa Clause movies. Just a warning, we get a little punch drunk after recording for two hours so it gets a bit off the rails. But that’s what the season is all about! Or something!

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/12/movie-mastery-deck-the-halls.mp3

It’s time for some seasonal fare with the first of our Bad Dads Christmas movie spectacular. Do these terrible dads not love Christmas enough? Do they love it too much? Not in the specific way the writer/director thinks one should? Well, then, time for them to get dunked on until the realize the error of their ways.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/11/movie-mastery-justice-league.mp3

Beloved heroes will come together in a climactic story that will both shock and entertain you as you see the spectacle you’ve been waiting years for. That’s not until Avengers: Infinity War comes out, though, so for now you can also watch a movie where bad versions of DC heroes get clowned on until they rely on Superman Ex Machina to save the day.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/11/movie-mastery-the-chipmunk-adventure.mp3

You might have seen this as a kid and remember that it was a fun musical cartoon movie with characters jetting around the globe. It is that, yes, but it is also so much more. This film exists in a universe that is begging to be unraveled and this episode we tear into the meaty flesh to expose what lies beneath.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/11/movie-mastery-garfield-a-tale-of-two-kitties.mp3

Just as this was torture to watch, so too must this episode be torture to listen to. Sadly the audio equipment malfunctioned on this one. Rather than just lose an entire episode, we salvaged it to a listenable point and present it to you.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

 https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/10/movie-mastery-mlp.mp3

Can the magic of friendship overcome the oppressive totalitarian regime of the Storm King and his merchandising? Probably! Special guest James D’Amato from One Shot joins us in picking apart the bizarre implications of the My Little Pony universe.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/10/movie-mastery-night-train-to-terror.mp3

God and the Devil must divvy up the souls of the dead in this horror anthology where everything is just super truncated clips from movies that they could get as cheap as possible to repackage. But hey, Richard Moll is in here twice though so…there’s that.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/09/movie-mastery-it.mp3

Something evil is haunting the town of Derry, Maine. It’s a clown that really likes fucking with the protagonists. Can Jon overcome his love of the original Tim Curry It? Can Jef overcome the fact that he hates horror movies and movies in general? Only one way to find out.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/09/movie-mastery-13th-warrior.mp3

It turns out that not every single person that makes a suggestion for the show ends up trying to get us to watch the absolute worst nonsense available. This time we got to watch an actual decent movie adaptation of a Michael Crichton book.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/08/movie-mastery-dungeon-siege.mp3

At some point in time Uwe Boll watched The Lord of the Rings and thought to himself, “Hey, I could do that.” Using the barest connection to a video game and some tax loopholes; he was finally able to create the poor man’s LotR. Like, the poorest man. A man so poor he can’t afford to pay attention.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/08/movie-mastery-dark-tower.mp3

There are other worlds than these. In one of those worlds, there was probably an adaptation of this well beloved series that received critical acclaim and went on to be like The Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter. Sadly, this world will probably see this as a one-and-done semi-sequel that most people were lukewarm to at best.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/07/movie-mastery-valerian.mp3

Most of your favorite sci-fi has likely borrowed something from the hugely influential comic series Valerian and Laureline. Now see the adaptation of the source material that has the bravery to turn intrepid space hero Valerian into a sleazy Pick-up Artist and his competent companion/friend Laureline into a sarcastic bikini model.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/07/movie-mastery-rock-a-doodle.mp3

Get ready for an animated musical that features all of your favorite things from the genre including: Songs that last 10 seconds, useless main characters, and a total lack of moral or lesson to be learned. Don Bluth presents Rooster Elvis & Sex Chicken: A Musical Love Story.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Join us on a magical adventure where YOU decide what happens! Well…not, you. I mean, WE decided what would happen. We had the controller and all. Anyway, it’s a choose your own adventure style cgi animated D&D movie that looks atrocious and is just as well acted.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It’s time to enter a new Dark Universe. One where all the old horror movie monsters have been turned into super villains that aging action heroes must combat for the fate of the world. Get ready for car chases, explosions, and Tom Cruise running.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Normally seeing that The Rock is in a movie is an assurance that it will at least be somewhat charming, if nothing else. The greatest sin of this movie isn’t the shitty script, lazy jokes, or underwhelming action. No, it’s that they managed to make Dwayne Johnson boring.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

 https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/05/movie-mastery-tiptoes.mp3

Yes, ok, Gary Oldman has great range and can do many characters. That said, making him walk around on his knees and pretend to be a little person is just terrible. You even had Peter Dinklage RIGHT THERE. Goddammit, movie.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/05/movie-mastery-fateful-findings.mp3

Take a journey into the fever dream of Neil Breen. Where no plot point is too stupid to be included and no detail is too interesting to suddenly ignore entirely. A land where novelists are also the world’s best hackers and ghosts are just here to show you a book you don’t care about.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/04/movie-mastery-fate-of-the-furious.mp3

Yet more Vin Diesel action in this movie that is a culmination of what the series has done so far. Which is drive fast, blow stuff up, and have some really cool people say some really stupid dialogue.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Time to delve into the mysterious world of espionage carried out by incompetent, non-government agents-for-hire. Can Michael get the diamond before the super weapon is built? Can nepotism overcome how awful this movie is to ensure Brandon Lee keeps getting work? All these questions and more answered here.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/03/movie-mastery-power-rangers.mp3

Come fellows, it is the time of morphing!  That’s what they always said, right?  I’m not a 90s kid or whatever you needed to be to care about this.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/03/movie-mastery-freddy-got-fingered.mp3

This movie is the worst. Not mentioned in the review but a running “gag” in the film is his neighbor’s kid keeps getting horribly mangled by things. This managed to be one of the least terrible bits. Yup.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/02/movie-mastery-50-shades-darker.mp3

Quick warning on this one: If you don’t want to hear about emotionally abusive relationships or really terrible sex, give this one a pass.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/02/movie-mastery-blood-punch.mp3

Think about the concept of Groundhog’s Day but it’s an action thriller movie. Got it? Ok, now instead of the super rad thing you imagined; think of the dullest version of that movie. Congrats. You’re ready to take a big swig of Blood Punch.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/01/movie-mastery-xxx-return-of-xander-cage.mp3

When the world is in peril and all seems lost; there is only one man that the U.S. Government can turn to. Xander Cage and his power of sassy extreme sports. Can his team of inept Xtreme morons win against a team of equal Xtreme-ness? Find out now!

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/01/movie-mastery-judge-dredd.mp3

A pretty horrible take on the property but it’s still probably better than the first two times they tried to make a Punisher movie. Also, for the mythology nerds out there, I know Bellerophon killed the Chimera not the Manticore. How does that reference come up, you ask? Better listen!

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/12/movie-mastery-assassins-creed.mp3

The Assassin’s Creed games are all about the epic struggle between two secret societies in a deadly struggle for the fate of mankind. The Assassin’s Creed movie is all about Michael Fassbender confusedly walking around in scrubs.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/12/movie-mastery-saving-christmas.mp3

Kirk Cameron takes some time off from his lucrative rap career to let everyone know what the holidays are really all about. Rampant, unbridled consumerism with a thin veneer of religion slapped on top.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/12/movie-mastery-fantastic-beasts-and-where-to-find-them.mp3

Now our review of the latest installment in the Harry Potter world which also ends up being Jef ranting about how much he hates magic in Harry Potter. It’s a long one but there’s a lot of unpack. Do you get it? Unpack? He has a suitcase with beasts in it? You get it.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/11/movie-mastery-dragonlance.mp3

It’s Dungeon’s and Dragons but now it’s in cartoon form. No, not that terrible show from the 80’s. It’s the terrible movie from 2008. Be amazed as actual decent voice talent is lost in a sea of generic fantasy music and shitty editing.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/11/movie-mastery-stealth.mp3

Three sassy, sexy Navy pilots that play by their own rules are tasked with hunting down an experimental jet powered by an AI that goes haywire and now it plays by its own rules. The only rule is: There are no rules! Guest starring apples.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Well, we tried, buit this is in no way a horror movie.  It’s an interesting movie.  It’s a cool movie.  It definitely has a monster in it.  But it’s not a horror movie.  That’s okay though, it’s still White Ween.

*Here is a brief list of things that Jef said that were wrong so you don’t need to email us about them.  First Godzilla movie:  1954, not 1951.  First American Godzilla movie: 1998, not 2004.  Jef once forgot how old he was for an entire year.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, remember how much good press this movie received?  People were all like “Oooh, it’s not found footage” “Oooh it isn’t connected to Joss Whedon!”  Well, here it is on Horrortoberfest now.  Oh how the mighty have fallen.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/09/movie-mastery-bridget-joness-baby.mp3

A movie with no stakes and no tension. Thrill as Bridget Jones much choose between a handsome, rich man who loves her or a different handsome, rich man that loves her. What happens when these two suitors meet? Nothing. Nothing happens.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/09/movie-mastery-dragonfyre.mp3

When orcs begin to invade our world, it’s up to the Poor Man’s Mark Wahlberg to stop them. He will be helped by a Porn Star in Spock Ears, a Native American Stereotype, and some redneck named Scooter. But will it be enough to stop the Ineffectual Mummy Witch? Find out here.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/08/movie-mastery-suicide-squad.mp3

Turns out that once you get us talking about super hero related stuff we just will not shut up for any reason. This one is a super long Movie Mastery where we dissect the jumbled mess that really wants to be like a Marvel movie but is more like Guardians of the GaLAZY! Ha! Be sure to tip your waitress.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This movie is sincerely lacking in Tim Curry.  I know what you’re thinking, which is that most movies are sincerely lacking in Tim Curry, but you feel it a lot more in this one.  We’ll explain why that’s the case, and also expound deeply on out hatred for Spridle, on today’s review of Speed Racer.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Find out who was right about this movie. Was it terrible like the angry white men on the internet that refused to see it said or was it good like literally everyone else has said?

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/07/movie-mastery-ghostbusters-20161.mp3

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/07/movie-mastery-howard-the-duck-1986.mp3

It was 1985, and with two years separating George Lucas from Return of the Jedi, it was a sure bet the world was his oyster, and he could make any movie he wanted.  No license would be denied him, no actor could possibly turn him down.  He was the brightest star in the sky, and so naturally he decided to turn to the Sal Mayerik/Steve Gerber 1972 creation that no one had ever heard of, Howard the Duck.  And here it is.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Well, we’ve covered two Dungeons and Dragons movies, Mazes and Monsters, and Wizards, so I guess at this point we’re just getting titles that even sort of remind people of nerd stuff.  It’s that Fred Savage movie you only remember because of the power glove scene on today’s System Mastery.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

More work?  Yes, my lords.  We watched the Warcraft movie because it’s clearly winning the June In Theaters Now poll.  It was a lazy day around here, and something need doing, anyway.  So join us, won’t you, for a dour joyless slog through grim Game of Thronesy Azeroth, in a movie inexplicably based on a game that is basically a massive mapped out collection of jokes.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/06/movie-mastery-in-theatres-now-the-angry-birds-movie1.mp3

Well, it’s certainly in theaters right now.  Did you know this is the highest-grossing (in terms of domestic box office) Sean Penn movie?  Well, now you do.  Take that information and run, friends.  Angry Birds is the first incredible disappointment in what is sure to be a painful series of bad ideas, our newest feature, In Theaters Now.  You earned it with Patreon, and now we have to go watch terrible movies that are in theatres based on your poll choices.  Every month.  Here, you can vote on the June movie right here, right now!  Thanks again for your support, and we’ll let you know when we’re not still mad about birds.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

On a distant planet, some bullshit happens and then nobody pays attention to it anymore because oh holy hell! There are crazy robos attacking and they could be anyone but probably the ones they spoil in the trailer.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Dare ye enter the magical realm of what filmmakers in the early 80s thought RPGs looked like?  It’s a terrifying world of whiny yuppie children and blaming mental illness on games.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Old Mother Hubbard, lived in a cupboard, thrilled that she didn’t own a TV and was at no risk of ever even accidentally seeing any of this depressing, rapey, anti-funny ego trip of a movie.  It’s The Adventures of Ford Fairlane, the movie designed to make Andrew Dice Clay look good according to the well-honed sensibilities of Andrew Dice Clay.  It’s pretty dire.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Yes, I know this is the second one.  We roll randomly, remember?  We’ll get to Caravan of Courage at some point.  Today, Movie Mastery covers the best Star Wars movie with Wilford Brimley and a mutant Flash Rabbit in it.  Journey back to 1985 with us, and try to remember a time when people were so starved for Star Wars content that they’d watch this.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/03/movie-mastery-special-bvs-dawn-of-justice.mp3

We’ve had it as a stretch goal on the Patreon for a while and since we were getting close, we’ve decided to give you a little taste of what you could be in store for in the near future. The dark, gritty Movie Mastery reboot where there are no jokes and we only record the sound of dark grey and blue.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/03/movie-mastery-a-talking-cat.mp3

The second internet famously bad movie we’ve gotten in a row. Only we know something no other reviewer knows. We know the dark secret that surrounds the filming location of A Talking Cat!?! We understand that it could have been so, so much worse.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/03/movie-mastery-foodfight.mp3

Celebrity voices and product placement come together with the cheapest animation possible to create a devastating whirlwind, the outcome of which is the shittiest movie imaginable. Prepare to be amazed at a movie that fails in every conceivable fashion: Foodfight!

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This is weird, right?  Because you had totally forgotten this movie?  And now you’re all “Oh yeah, Steel!  I didn’t go see that.  Looked really bad, and it came out like three months after Batman & Robin, so I was already pretty mad at DC Comics in general.  Yet here this is.  Still available for you to watch.  Still bearing a rap song about the lead character featuring the lead actor doing some of the rapping, and still bearing the inscrutable tag line “Man. Metal. Hero.”  This is Steel.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It’s genuinely unusual that even when the Scooby of today meets a celebrity, it’s a celebrity from the 70s.  Anyway, here’s Scooby-Doo and KISS: Rock and Roll Mystery.  Though if you ask me, I’ll tell you the real mystery is how both of us grown men had managed to convince ourselves that Gene Simmons was the lead singer of KISS instead of just their weird gross bassist.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

An old friend drops by the show to help us review a movie she made us watch in the first place.  Claire joins us for Mommie Dearest, a bizarre, slowly-paced melodrama from the early 80s that’s really more useful as fashion guide and Futurama joke fodder than anything else.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This movie was harder to find that the Holiday Special, and what we can learn from that is that someone needs to work harder at hiding this, because it’s horrible, and needs to be kept away from people, and the light of day.  This is the story of a douchebag who thinks that blackface is perfectly acceptable if it means he doesn’t have to get a job, and the various people in his life who reward him for this.  Enjoy.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh boy, it’s Hulk Hogan!  According to that poster, we know he goes sleeveless, doesn’t like buttoning up, and gives some very harmless looking dudes the business.  I mean, look at those dudes.  That guy on the left is only guilty of the 90s crime of dressing in tucked in layers.  This is the final film in our 2015 Holidayathon extravaganza, so next episode is back to free for all rules!

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

So this thing is internet famous as a bizarre travesty against Star Wars right?  Kind of like a Jar-Jar 1978.  What the internet won’t normally tell you about the holiday special is that it is crushingly, painfully boring.  Dicking around a cellphone isn’t enough to survive this thing in one viewing, you’re going to need a tablet, a second TV playing something better, carolers outside your window and every caroler is Gilbert Gottfried… something along those lines.  Anyway, we watched it!  FOR YOU!  Now you don’t have to!  Special thanks to horrible friend of the show Double Vekh for this idea.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

There are three Movie Mastery episodes this December, and you can be sure that every single one of them will be a holiday themed film.  There’s no genre of film that Jef hates more, so these should be great.  Kicking it off, here’s Christmas with the Kranks, the movie guaranteed to make you hate white people, rich people, people in general, things, the concept of Christmas, and existence itself.

Got an idea for a horrible holiday movie?  The bar may be set pretty high, but don’t let that stop you from sending in your recommendations!  There’s still two movies to go this December, you can beat those odds!

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hot off his recent triumphant return to the role of the Incredible Hulk (in a movie where he fights Thor, you should go check it out), Lou Ferrigno hits the silver screen with his starring role in what is DEFINITELY a Cannon Films production, Sinbad of the Seven Seas.  Thrill as he flexes his way out of all sorts of stupid shenanigans!  Marvel at the neverending narration!

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/11/movie-mastery-mechanical-violator-hakaider.mp3

Never let it be said we won’t watch some insane random thing out of some vestigial sense of self preservation.  Here, we sit down together to watch a tokusatsu film, which probably doesn’t directly translate to “All Power Rangers-y” but might as well.  Mechanical Violator Hakaider is a stoic, boring Judge Robocopinator of a weird future, and boy oh boy, is he ever bulletproof.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Ooh what a scary poster of a moment that doesn’t occur in the film at all!  In this picture a bunch of british WW2 orphans are shipped off to the dumbest possible location for an orphanage, and then ghost stuff starts happening.  Probably.  The film could really use a flashlight, or a full moon, anything that emits light.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This week we review a Venezuelan horror film from the depths of Netflix. This seems like it is going to be a standard, paint-by-numbers haunted house flick but there is a twist. The twist is that we finally got a horror movie that Jef doesn’t hate.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It’s a movie about an evil mirror but not the ones that might have popped into your head. This movie takes the bold new stance that would should really happen in a horror movie is nothing. The most evil thing this mirror did was cause this movie to be made.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Yes!  A Reb Brown movie!  We were waiting patiently for our chance to sit down with the legendary Roll Fizzlebeef, and here it is!  This week we discuss Yor the Hunter from the Future, which can best be described as, and I’m reaching with this metaphor a little, a bullshit film that sucks.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Twenty years from now college professors will use this episode as a teachable moment.  It’d be nice if it was about how to properly review films, but actually it’ll just be on what ongoing Stockholm Syndrome sounds like.  We watch two clown rappers shoot guns and spout catchphrases, and then come back to tell you that it’s actually amazing.  Really.  For real.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/08/movie-mastery-wing-commander.mp3

Wing Commander is a film we watched.  It was filmed in Luxembourg.  Luxembourg is the last remaining Grand Duchy in the world, and is the country where popular internet communication company Skype makes its home.  They speak Luxembourgish there.  Wing Commander stars Freddie Prinze Jr., Saffron Burrows, and Matthew Lillard.  Other famous Freds and Matthews include Flintstone and Modine.  The other famous Saffron is an expensive flower farmed in Spain.  We hope you enjoyed our report on Wing Commander.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It’s our second anniversary and we’re making it D&D Sequel Week, so here’s a horrible D&D sequel, Wrath of the Dragon God.  Have you ever wondered what would happen if you actually wrote a movie based around the silly rules and abstractions of tabletop games, without worrying so much about story structure?  Spoiler alert, it’d be terrible!  Enjoy!

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Are you sufficiently frightened of nuclear attack?  This TV movie dares ask the question “How will global thermonuclear war affect a young Steve Guttenberg?”  Now fill your family condom with popcorn and sit a spell so Jason Robards can spin you a yarn of cold war terror!

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Is this really a movie about a fat little wizard and his nearly-nude fairy companion trying to defeat a Nazi wizard leading an army of mutants against an army of elves, set 10 million years from now?  It is.  Does all that craziness add up to anything good?  It does not.  Let’s talk about Ralph Bakshi’s Wizards!

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

While our initial plan for Mommie Dearest fell through this week, we press on undaunted, reroll the Movie Mastery Dice (currently a D17) and land on Zardoz, the movie where Sean Connery’s junk is the future!

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/07/movie-mastery-master-of-disguise.mp3

It’s that Dana Carvey vehicle!  Here, I’ll sum up exactly how you remember it:  “Turtle, turtle.”  Boy, don’t you want to know exactly what sort of package that famous catchphrase comes wrapped up in?  This week, we settle in to review Master of Disguise, and it’s nothing like we expected, except for that we did expect it to be bad.

Next week, we’ll finally have the guest host like we’ve been planning!  Keep the suggestions rolling in, we have a ton but random selecting dice are easy to come by!

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/07/movie-mastery-dead-heat.mp3

Treat Williams.  Joe Piscopo.  Vincent Price briefly. The dad from A Christmas Story.  Some 80s ladies.  All that and more crowd the screen searching for glory in the 1988 …hit?  No… offering!  There we go.  The 1988 offering Dead Heat.  We’re trying out our new format for Movie Mastery, and here’s the basics:

1.  We get recommendations from the listeners.
2.  We add those recommendations to a big list.
3.  We select one at random using whatever random method is available.
4.  We watch the trailer, then settle in to discuss what we expect from a film like this.
5.  We watch that film, and gauge our expecations.
6.  We reconvene on the mic to discuss the end results.

Got a film recommendation?  Send it to Systemmastery@gmail.com or tweet it to us at System Mastery.  Bonus points if it’s easy to find, out of theatres, crazy, and cheap!

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/06/movie-mastery-left-behind-20141.mp3

What, it was a lazy Thursday afternoon!  System Mastery has already reviewed a few other movies.  Dungeons and Dragons, a weird Carrie sequel, whatever the heck Frankenqueen was, and so on.  It’s fun stuff for fun people.  This time we flopped down in front of Netflix and took in Left Behind, the rapture movie that’s afraid to say Rapture.

Hey, does anyone actually like these movie reviews when we do them?  If they’re something folks enjoy, we’ll do more and swap them over to a different feed so that we aren’t crowding up our regular feed.  Maybe even get another viewer in with us so that it’s not quite so samey.  Let us know via the usual channels if we should keep this sort of thing going, and if so, what we should be watching!

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices