Lights on the Trees written by Stephen Perlstein. 

Producer Jason Smith. Produced and Mixed by Alec Sherrie

Recorded at Seaward Studios and Starburns Industries. 

Vocals by Carl Tart, Markeia McCarty.

Local Business is a new sketch comedy group helmed by Joey Clift (Wabbit, Cracked), Nick Gligor (Fox ADHD, Cracked), and Stephen Perlstein (Wabbit, UCB Comedy). Corporations are not people, but Local Business is!

[Intro: Nina Simone]

Strange ornaments hanging from the christmas trees 

Lights on the trees

[Verse 1]

I just need to clear the snow now

It's been building since last Christmastime 

Now I'm going down for Christmas now 

And all I want is not to go fly now

Cause I ain't got the gifts on me right now 

And I told elves to build

Yeah, I told elves to build

But I'mma need a little more time now 

Cause I ain't got the giftiess on me right now 

And I thought elves could build

Yeah, I thought elves could build

These kidses surrounding me

All want something from me

Then they sit up on me

There’s no gift without me

We could've been Snow Buddies

Thought you'd be nice kids 'bout it

Now I know you naughty

So let's fly on with it

[Verse 2]

We could've been Snow Buddies 

'Stead you had to get gift hungry 

Let's take it back to your first Barbie 

When you asked for it from mommy 

She said no to your malarky

She said no to your malarky

But you got Barbie from me

And you was screamin' "POUND PUPPY!" 

Before the Wish List tore ya

Before the Wish List stole ya 

'Member Christmas was so fun?

When I would gift yaaaaaa

Before the lights on the trees

I know this fake Christmas tree 

Something strange is happening

[Verse 3]

You could've been Snow buddies

We could've

Ho! We could've been Snow buddies

Or was it cause the first Barbie

When we hung our first Holly

The gifts came from our heart-y

The gifts came from our heart-y

Before they call stores

Before the Black Friday shoppers

How you gon' fight through the stores?

It's like I don't even know ya

I gotta bring it back to the Claus

[Bridge]

Fuck them other Reindeer cause I'm down with my Reindeer

Fuck them other Reindeer cause I'm down with my Reindeer

Fuck them other Reindeer cause I'm down with my Reindeer 

I ride with my Reindeers

I'd die for my...

[Verse 4]

To all them Jewish ass kidzes, try and get a freebay

Trying to get a freebay, now you talkin' crazy

I don't give a damn if your mom used to see me

It ain't Christmas, this business, need stop actin' greedy

She Instagram her gifts like #BadGiftAlert

I Instagram her back like #KidBitchAlert

I only ever see that sass gettin worse 

Two-thousand-pound coal, too big for your purse

Now you sittin' fireside, presents on the other side

No labels got your name, gotta check the card right

Then you aint satiated, I’m still flying world wide

Then you gotta go and tell your dad and thwart that 

Main reason cause your gift-friends got to sport that 

Mommy say you ain't appreciate and take them gifts back 

All your fucking gifts going back on the gift rack

Nothing now for show and tell, what you think about that?

All in all your tinsel honey, uh

Yeah-yeah, I got you girly

Next year I’ll gift you hard

Ho, Christmas aganony

[Outro]

That winter night holding long and long, 'din long 

Now waiting for the birthday gifts and (cry)

And cry and cry

And cry and cry

And cry and cry

And live and learn

And live and learn

And gifting and gifting like I'm lonely, lonely, lonely

And gifting all I have

And gifting all

And gift

And gift

Download link: https://soundcloud.com/local-business-comedy/sets/kreezus

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Written by Joey Clift. 

Producer Jason Smith. Produced and Mixed by Alec Sherrie

Recorded at Seaward Studios and Starburns Industries. 

Vocals by Carl Tart, Ify Nwadiwe, James Ross.

[Verse 1: Kanye West]

Damn your bricks very rough

Covered up in soot n’ stuff

And I think I see a dead bird

Ho Ho Ho is what you heard

Gift Bags, Reindeer, jingle bells

presents, gifts, bows, coal, Kris Kringle bells

So many gifts, I need to crash

Empty bag, stockings full, gifts at last

Thank Claus almighty, they gifts at last

Silent as a mouse and I’m leavin' fast

You want a gift for your cat, didn’t even ask

Just kiddin', I brought him a toy, he’ll have a blast

Stuck in a chimney, all those hours lost

Eatin' Christmas cookies, all I need was milk as dippin’ sauce 

Fire place? Please turn the power off

Tub covered in soot when I turn the shower off

[Bridge: Assassin]

That's all Santa can do, say what? (Ho Ho, Ho Ho) 

That's all Santa can do

We deal with Santa ting

Just a Santa ting, a' fat man do

Santa thing, you a fat man thing

[Verse 2: Assassin]

I'm a Santa if you know say

Respect we know gifts, It’s Christmas day Try that 'pon December 25th

That's right, we talkin’ Santa’s sleigh

When we roll 'up 'pon your roof

Yeah badda we givin’ gifts, like a Toys R’ Us 

When we roll 'up 'pon your roof

Yeah badda we givin’ gifts, like a Toys R’ Us

And your roof’s covered in slush

Ho ho ho ho ho ho it’s Christmas day

[Hook: Kanye West and Justin Vernon]

That's right I'm in it,

(Talkin’ bout the Chimney)

I'm in it

(Chimney’s hard to climb)

That's right

(Yeah, It’s a chimney)

I'm in it,

(Singin’ bout that chimney)

That's right, I'm in it

(Don’t burn nothin’ in the chimney)

I'm in it

(Chimney is a Chimney)

Saint Nick’s got a ruby red nose,

But climbin’ chimney’s is hard on your clothes

[Verse 3: Kanye West]

Ho, picked up where we left off

Ho, turn that T.V. set off

Ho, you watching Christmas specials

Ho, you got lotsa tinsel

Ho, you love your toe with missiles

Ho, wrap a whole lotta gifts now

Ho, You know it’s Christmas time

Livin’ room’s bright, it’s Christmas light time

Red gifts with a white twine

Jingle bells at the right time

Open gifts like HOOOOOOOO!

[Hook 2: Assassin, Justin Vernon, and Kanye West] 

I’m in the Chimney and I can't get out

(That's all dem can do (Wiggling legs)

I’m in the Chimney and I can't get out

(Wiggling Legs)

(Wiggling Legs)

It’s a Santa ting

Just a Santa thing, a' fat man do Saint Nick’s got a ruby red nose

[Bridge: Justin Vernon]

Say you got a gift for me, for you

Hey, gifts and presents rule

Gift Giver

Gift Giver

Gift Giver

Ho, Ho

[Outro: Kanye West]

Givin’ lotsa gifts right now

Ho, Christmas tree full of lights now

Ho, got the cookies-and-the-milk life 

Ho, elf hammer and drill life

Ho, there ain’t shit for the bad kids 

Ho, they’ll have coal for a nightlight 

Ho, North pole like the klondike

Ho, cookies make me wanna take a bite 

Ho, Santa start a new movement 

Ho, Little drummer boy drummin

Ho, Droppin’ yuletide beats

Ho, pa rum pum pum pum pummin 

Ho, these gifts I am giftin

Ho, Rudolph’s nose is glowin

Ho, I be giftin’ soda streams-ees

Ho, Don’t need no gift reciept-ees

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Hold My Eggnog written by Stephen Perlstein. 

Producer Jason Smith. Produced and Mixed by Alec Sherrie

Recorded at Seaward Studios and Starburns Industries. 

Vocals by Carl Tart, James Ross, Nick Gligor.

[Intro: Justin Vernon]

I can hold my Egg Nog

But these elves can’t decorate trees 

Fat and Jolly now

On the north pole, headin south

I'm on to Indiana

I heard it's christmas now

[Hook: Chief Keef]

I can't handle no egg nog

But these elves can’t decorate trees

I can't control my reindeers

And my reindeers they can't control me 

You say you know me, my reindeer

But you really just know Frosty

[Verse 1: Kanye West]

Kids I'm out my food coma

Drinkin’ nog (or milk) on your sofa 

When I pull my sleigh over

Slightly scratch ya new Solar (Panel) 

Okay, I smashed ya new Solar (Panel) 

Shoulda bought a snow blower 

Thousand years I been chauffeur 

Gifts is why I came over

One more milk and I can own ya

One more keebler I can own ya

One cold night in December 

Knapsack got me floating

Feel like Meisterburger

Krampus had me dead

Might call Rudolph over

Kreezy’s still on your sofa

We the bad North Polers

Still ain't learn to be Santas

You hate me when it’s October

I hate the soot in your smoker 

Eating all a ya donut

Then elf Hermey came over

Pointy ears with no shoulders

Tell me that these gifts bogus

Elf you don't even know us 

Hermey, he's a poser 

Hermey, he's a poser 

Dentist is his Persona 

X-rays all in his folder

Elfs think he just bogus

Ho ho hos became ho-less 

When it's cold it's colder

And kid, I'm out my food coma

[Bridge: Justin Vernon] 

Crawling up your fire’s place 

Gifts all over the place

All I got was coal

Hoooo I wanna go home

[Hook: Chief Keef]

I can't handle no egg nog

But these elves can’t decorate trees

I can't control my reindeers

And my reindeers they can't control me 

You say you know me, my reindeer 

But you really just know Frosty

[Outro: Justin Vernon and Kanye West]

I heard you need a new ipad (a new gift)

I heard you need a new pack (a new gift)

I heard you need a new phone (a new gift)

I know your present ain't be home (a new gift)

[Bridge]

Crawling up your fire’s place

Gifts all over the place

All I got was coal

Hoooo I wanna go home

Download link: https://soundcloud.com/local-business-comedy/sets/kreezus

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New Sleighs written by Stephen Perlstein.

Producer Jason Smith. Produced and Mixed by Alec Sherrie

Recorded at Seaward Studios and Starburns Industries. 

Vocals by Carl Tart, James Ross, Nick Gligor, Stephen Perlstein

Download here: http://www.4shared.com/zip/Q8z7rR1Lba/Kreezus.html

[Verse 1]

Ms. Claus was raised in the era when

Clean snow was only rode by Jack Skellington

Riding snow you would have thought I had help

But they wasn't satisfied unless I shoveled snow myself 

You see it's broke toboggan racin’

That's that "Don't touch any of the snow"

And it's rich toboggan racin’

That's that "Come in, please buy more"

"What you want, new blades? Fur trim? A diamond rein? All you sleds want all the same things"

Used to only be trash lids, now everybody sleigh’n 

Spending everything on Skii Doo Thangs

New Sleighs

[Bridge]

You see there's wood ones and there's saucers 

But I'd rather be a blade than a shoveler

You see there's wood ones and there's saucers 

But I'd rather be a blade than a shoveler

[Verse 2]

I throw these Ski Doo keys

I ride my blade on the sleet

I know that we the new Sleighs 

I see the lights on the trees

I see the lights on the trees

I see the lights on the trees

I know that we the new Sleighs 

I see the lights on the trees 

They throwing snow at me 

Want me to stay and ski

Fuck you and your corporation 

Y'all sleddas can't control me

I know that we the new sleighs 

I know that we the new sleighs 

I'm 'bout to ride the fuck out 

I'm going Nicholas, Saint

I know that tinsel ain't free

You sleddas tinsel, ain't me 

Y'all throwing coupons at me 

You know that sleddas can't read 

Throw 'em some ski doo keys

Fuck it, christmas tree

I know that we the new sleighs

Y'all sledda can't fuck with me

Y'all sleddas can't fuck with Kring

Y'all sleddas can't fuck with Kring

I'll move my family out to Oslo

So you can't see where I ring

So go and grab the snowmen

So I can smash and throw them

See they'll confuse us with some scrooges 

Like the Ancient Roman

Meanwhile the DMV

Teamed up with the SKI-M-V

They tryna lock sleddas up

They tryna make new sleighs

See that's that privately owned mountain 

Get your snow today

They prolly all in the Hamptons

Braggin' 'bout what they made

Sled you and your Hampton house

I'll Sled your Hampton spouse

Sled on her Hampton blouse

Snow in her Hampton mouth

Y'all 'bout to throw snow up

I'm 'bout to ride snow down

I'm 'bout to melt snow down

Now what the fuck they gon' ski now?

[Outro: Kanye West & Frank Ocean]

I won't end this ride, not this time again

So long, so long, so long, you cannot come ride 

And I'm not riding, and I came loose

I came loose, yeah, I came loose

Cause I can't leave it to you

So let's get to ride, get to ride again

(To ride again, to ride)

hoo hoo ho hooooooo

[Kóbor János]

Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen 

But do you recall..

The most famous reindeer of them all?

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Producer Jason Smith. Produced and Mixed by Alec Sherrie

Recorded at Seaward Studios and Starburns Industries. 

Vocals by Carl Tart, James Ross

[Beanie man] 

(Silent night riff...)

[Intro] 

I am a Claus 

I am a Claus 

I am a Claus

[Hook]

I am a Claus 

Hurry up with my damn rudolph

Hurry up with them trains & dolls 

Get the Sleigh out the damn garage

I am a Claus

Even though I'm a Santa Claus

Your wish list in the hands of Claus 

So y'all better quit writin’ to Claus

[Verse 1]

Naughty or nice is so unlike you

Kissin' santa's ass is so unlike you

The only santa that’s not a white dude

So here's a few hating-ass children who'll fight you

If you were milk n cookies I wouldbite you

And I don't even wanna hear 'bout what children might do 

Old parents mentally still in high school

Since the white beard they never liked you

Red-ass jacket with a fucking knapsack

But everybody know you brought real gifts back

Gifts was unwrapped, man, we the Wrap Pack

Dasher Dancer Donner Sleighback

Rudolph Reinder, Red Nose shining

Monop' in this bitch again, Milton Bradley

Skip this house these kids be bratty

Until the day day stop calling me fatty

[Hook]

I am a Claus 

So hurry up with my damn rudolph In a family-ass residaunce

Hurry up with my damn egg nog!

I am a Claus 

I am a Claus 

I am a Claus 

HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

[Verse 2]

I just talked to Jesus

He said, "What up, Kreezus?" 

I said, "Climbing buildins, trying to gift these childrin" 

I know elves bout yay high 

Reindeer make dat sleigh fly 

Su casa, mi casa

I drink milk the mosta - HO!

I am a Claus 

I am a Claus 

I am a Claus

HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

[Outro: Justin Vernon]

Ain't no way I'm coming to town. I'm a Claus

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Producer Jason Smith. Produced and Mixed by Alec Sherrie

Recorded at Seaward Studios and Starburns Industries. 

Vocals by Carl Tart (Kanye West)

Download here: http://www.4shared.com/zip/Q8z7rR1Lba...

[Verse 1]

For my theme song

My red n fur jeans on

My tinsel so green on

Children are gettin’ their dreams on

I’ve got the wisdom

My naughty list so long

They see a fat man with a white beard riding a sleigh with bells that go ding dong 

Middle America’s presents

Are most of my big bag’s content

Flying my sleigh it’s an event

Fly this bitch on Christmas Evenin’

Passing out coal to the catholics

Filling up stockings of Baptists

Claiming I'm over-regifting

To the bad kids on my bad list

[Hook]

Billions of gifts, That I’ll lift

In my red vest, I’m so swift

24 hours, a long shift

24 BluRay: 's a hot gift

Rudolph we living in the moment 

Your nose glowing, red I know it 

I’m real excited cause it’s snowin’

Ho ho hoin'!

Ho ho hoin'!

[Bridge]

So leave out the cookies I’ll chug all that milk (down) 

Keep being nice I’ll give you a present (now)

build a gingerbread house (now)

stay quiet as a mouse (down)

If all you want is some coal in your fist

I’ll keep your name on my naughty list

[Hook]

Billions of gifts, That I’ll lift

In my red vest, I’m so swift

24 hours, a long shift

24 BluRay: 's a hot gift

Rudolph we living in the moment

Your nose glowing, red I know it 

I’m real excited cause it’s snowin’

Ho ho hoin'!

Ho ho hoin'!

[Verse 2]

Reindeer are some cool shit

Four legs and some hooves shit 

Fuck all that mule shit

Just celebrating some yule shit

I’m aware I’m kringle

Wrapping your presents

I’m aware I’m a Klaus

From the north pole, bitch

Got lots of coal, bitch

Reindeer are some cool shit

Flying like a balloon shit

Flying like a balloon shit

Come on rudolph eatchya corn 

Sooner or later you’re air born 

These reindeer delivering presents deliver, deliver your presents

[Hook]

Billions of gifts, That I’ll lift

In my red vest, I’m so swift

24 hours, a long shift

24 BluRay: 's a hot gift

Rudolph we living in the moment 

Your nose glowing, red I know it 

I’m real excited cause it’s snowin’

Ho ho hoin'! 

Ho ho hoin'!

[Bridge]

So leave out the cookies I’ll chug all that milk (down) 

Keep being nice I’ll give you a present (now)

build a gingerbread house (now)

stay quiet as a mouse (down)

If all you want is some coal in your fist

I’ll keep your name on my naughty list

[Outro]

Claus! Claus! Claus! Claus! Claus! Claus! Claus! Claus!

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